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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 22/02/2015 10:53

I can understand why you are so pissed off. I would be too.

It is not normal for a healthy adult to fall asleep only 12/13 hours after they have got up. Does he do any exercise? that can make a big difference to energy and the need to sleep. As he works in an office, does he get out during the day? I know, esp in Winter, if I work from 8.30 to 5.30 without leaving the office I feel awful and tired at the end of the day. I try to go for a 20 min walk at lunch time. MY Dh, who has a megga stress job, goes to the gym next to his office at lunch times, sometimes before and after work, that helps his stress levels and his energy.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/02/2015 10:55

OP, I think pretty much everyone agrees that he is should be sharing the household load 50:50. No question there.

However you yourself called the falling asleep "the real issue" and people are advising your DH needs to get himself to the doctor to get checked over to rule out medical issues.

If medical issues are ruled out and he doesn't step up, then kick his lazy arse to the kerb.

Everyone is just going round and round in circles!

But to me, it seems dangerous to berate him for something he may not be able to help. Luckily for me my DH knew I pulled my weight anyway, so I used to be tucked into bed and provided with tea, before we knew there was a health problem! So when I was diagnosed (not thyroid or CFS) with an illness there was no resentment or guilt. But the crucial difference was we both pulled our weight.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 22/02/2015 11:13

Wow a lot of posts.

Update: we have sat down and started to talk about this all this morning, and are going to create some kind of rota that will mean a fairer division in the chores/tasks that need doing.

Essentially there are a lot of things he needs to be proactive about and the sleeping thing has just tipped me over the edge.

For those of you that cannot understand why this bothers me, I think you need to appreciate that having a little nap is his way of wriggling out of everything. And no, when I wake him up, he is not receptive and just gets the hump with me for "nagging"

Yes he also does this at weekends. It's sporadic, I'd say it happens on average twice a week.

As others have kindly pointed out he is his own responsibility and if he feels he needs to see the GP then he can organise this. I have of course suggested this. I think we both know deep down its a behavioural thing. As I mentioned he has been doing this for years and years, he openly admits how much he loves his sleep but he knows he is taking the piss.

In terms of the possibility of sleep apnoea no he does not snore.

Nobody at all has picked up from my OP about having had a serious illness myself in recent years, necessitating major surgery. Of course DH had to step up then, but now he seems to have run out of steam.

I am very fortunate to be well now and my returning to full time work has been a major milestone. Of course we sat down and discussed this, but no, I did not ask his flippin permission!! Confused

Thanks for all the replies, sure has been an interesting read. I won't apologise for being "snippy", I've been severely hacked off and naturally do not agree with those of you that think he is entitled to opt out in this way.

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/02/2015 11:26

Thanks for update OP.

Assuming he is well with no underlying medical problem, do you worry that a rota will turn you into his mum? I just feel a grown adult shouldn't need a list of tasks to be "shown" what needs doing.

You sound like you might love him, but not like him at the moment. Assuming he is well, do you think it might be worth having a trial period making it clear you will separate if he doesn't pull his weight? I would be inclined to do this without a rota, why should have have to be told what to do? He should step up and be proactive, isn't this what you really want?

I know how stressful it can be having serious illnesses in the family. I think it either makes you or breaks you.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/02/2015 11:27

Oh, and "nagging" would annoy me too. It's always men saying it to women isn't it?

thatsucks · 22/02/2015 11:40

I'm glad you've talked - always a start. He really needs to listen to you on this and start pulling his weight more in general. Do hope things improve for you.

(ps you don't need to apologise for being 'snippy' but, for yourself, you should maybe acknowledge it. Yuck that sounds patronising, but I mean sometimes when enough people point something out about ourselves we should listen. I know you've been at the end of your tether, but you will get worse responses and reactions from people, possibly your dh too, if you are rude. And you have been on here.)

Stripyhoglets · 22/02/2015 11:52

If he is grumpy when he wakes that is not on, my DH falls asleep easily but always wakes up and gets on with what I need him to do without grumbling. He used to fall asleep putting kids to bed and it didn't bother me cos he did his fair share elsewhere. The fact that your DH hasn't been pulling his weight is probably why you have the rage about the sleeping. To be fair I can get so tired I drop off easily but will get stuff done before I sit down as I know it's a risk.

Scrumbled · 22/02/2015 11:53

My dp is a napper, so is one of my SIL's. Is a family joke that theyll start snoring on the sofa at 8pm, perfectly healthy adults. I would be very pissed off if my dp fellt he could get out of chores because he fell asleep.

If you do a rota, put down creating the rota and the associated thinking and planning as one of your jobs. Its a management task and is double the cost of kitchen cleaning.

Indantherene · 22/02/2015 12:03

Mine does exactly the same, and as you've said it's his way of "opting out" of what he doesn't want to do. Yes he'll put DD to bed but when he feels like it, or when he's finished watching a programme on TV he doesn't even like, so she's bouncing around the room at 9.30pm then refusing to get up for school.

TBH I wish I had left years ago. It is behavioural and they don't change, however much they promise. You haven't invested too many years in this waste of space yet - I would get out while you can, seriously.

Achooblessyou · 22/02/2015 12:03

Unbelievable! The issue is obviously abt him giving no support in household chores. What if op chose to do nothing and just nap when she felt like it?! The kids would be neglected!

I'd be absolutely livid and very resentful Angry

CoffeeTwo · 22/02/2015 12:16

When our DS was a baby and I'd returned to work, DH and I would both fall asleep putting him to bed on occasion and neither of us would mind. The other would do the necessary jobs and let the other sleep. It's such a tiring time. I guess the difference is that we both did this. How would your DH feel if you did this one night? Would he let you sleep and pick up the household jobs?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 12:25

Glad you are communicating OP, and no, I didn't miss the point about your illness but I think lots of others did Flowers for you and a definite right to be snippy in the circs!

popalot · 22/02/2015 12:27

YANBU. He's skiving.

The sad fact is that men know a woman will do it if no-one else will. And deep down, they all think it's our job to do the housework, no matter how many hours we work. Why they think this, I don't know. But they do.

It's great if you are with a man who wants to please people, because he'll do some housework to keep you happy (not because he should as it's his job too). But if you're with a man who has a more stubborn mindset and doesn't feel the need to please you, he won't 'help'. It's as simple as that. I sound terribly sexist, but years of experience living with men has taught me that. Might be how we bring them up....things they have watched on telly. I had a friend who's dad used to do the cleaning but shut the curtains so the neighbours couldn't see (back in the 60s) so there are always exceptions to the rule.

So, to stop you going mad, you need to get a cleaner. Get some meals that are quick to cook, or do a big batch at the weekend and freeze portions if you like to cook yourself. I'm sorry I can't say he'll sort himself out for you, because he might not. He might. He might not. That is his power over you and you know it. You just need to find ways of making it easier for yourself so you don't feel like a slave and stop you banging your head against a brick wall.

woollytights · 22/02/2015 12:49

Glad you managed to talk. If you look, what you've actually done is taken the advice of most of the people you've given a rude, nasty response to. Maybe worth acknowledging.

I also think as someone who has had your own health issues and had to rely on your husband for help previously, you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss his own health as his own shit to deal with. This isn't anything to do with sexism either by the way. As your husband has demonstrated in the past its both spouses responsibility to look out for each other when needed.

Good luck to both of you...

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/02/2015 13:36

popolat what a horrible sexist attitude. You really are talking complete bollocks.

iammargesimpson · 22/02/2015 13:52

Well said woolly tights!

Hope you get it sorted op

popalot · 22/02/2015 15:57

YesIdidMeanToBe....you're right, I generalised and that is never right. Just get stressed out at what has always in my experience been unequal arrangements, involving prompts or 'help' requests to do what I think should be equal. Sorry OP if I wasn't helpful. Probably was total bollocks. Written after my usual weekend morning clean. Bitter. Hope you find a way of sorting it out. Still stand by what I said about YANBU. He is being unfair in not helping. But I shan't theorise on why. I still think a cleaner might help.

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 16:24

I will never understand why posters on AIBU feel fully entitled to speak to the OP like someting they scraped off their shoe, only to pearl-clutch and huff prissily if the response is anything other than humble gratitude. Quite extraordinary levels of thin-skinned over-sensitivity on the one hand, and staggering lack of basic empathy on the other. Maybe don't dish what you could never in a million years take yourself, might be the lesson for anyone with an ounce of common sense.

thewavesofthesea · 22/02/2015 17:35

I do this sometimes Blush

It is usually after the kids are in bed and he wouldn't do any of the house work anyway or make the dinner :-) so we end up just not eating if I fall asleep! (I don't mind this, we just end up with a snack or something) I do feel bad for falling asleep all the time, but the truth is it is often because I am just exhausted. I work part time with two kids, but am also studying for an exam, and often part time in my job means some weeks I will work 50 hours; with evenings, nights etc.

Think the only reason it annoyed my husband was he wanted to spend time with me, not because he expected the housework done. He got worried that I wasn't well or thy I was a avoiding him. The illness was partially true but i wasn't avoiding him! But we only knew that after talking about it. I now try to keep myself awake and busy until at least 9pm, keeps my sleep patterns a bit more regular.

thewavesofthesea · 22/02/2015 17:37

(And we have a cleaner; I have accepted that he does minimal house work so that is the compromise! He does lots of other things though, does loads with the kids etc )

mytimewillcome · 22/02/2015 17:49

Well said sleeponeday (slightly ironic mn name!) and I didn't find the op particularly rude at all.

perpetua72 · 23/02/2015 07:14

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SugarPlumTree · 23/02/2015 07:33

I think replies would be different if this was posted on a different section of MN.

OP I get it. I am sometimes so utterly emotionally wrung out from long discussions with Health Professional. My Brother and other about my Mum's care (she has Dementia) plus working and dealing with a teen doing GCSE'S and a 11 year old who doesn't like his school that I am completely knackered in the evening and could just sit down and sleep. Which is weird as I never used to be able to sleep during the day.

However I don't do that as there are things that need doing and I don't think it is fair on DH and the DD'S to sit and snooze whilst tgey are dojng things arihnd me so I carry on until we are all finished doing what needs to be done. I do unfortunately nod off when DH and I are watching something later but try not to.

It really isn't fair that you are doing all the household tasks plus administration . Time to sit down for a chat with a pen and paper and break them down between you both.

Tanith · 23/02/2015 09:09

Actually, sleeponeday, I think your comments better describe the Op!

Posters were sympathetic. Some shared personal medical history because they thought the Op wanted an answer to the sleeping issue. They didn't deserve to have it contemptuously flung back in their faces.

Sure, she can be snippy and, if she feels that way, she doesn't have to acknowledge anything or apologise.
She shouldn't be surprised, though, if people get snippy with her in return, or simply decide to let her get on with it.

TheChickenSituation · 23/02/2015 17:25

Posters weren't sympathetic. Go back and have a look at the first page, which is what sadly set the tone of the thread.