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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 22/02/2015 09:21

Sleep is a luxury when you both work full time and have young children who don't reliably sleep through the night.
I get you OP. Your DH needs to do his fair share. I would love to have a cheeky kip when I get home but work needs doing. I would stop him going upstairs to do the bottle or just go upstairs to chat to him to prevent sleep setting in at the end of the bottle.

AuntieDee · 22/02/2015 09:26

Why don't you just wake him up? People doze off. I don't see why it has to be such a big deal. If you are unhappy that he doesn't cook tea/do chores - tell him. If you don't say anything he will assume that you are happy with how he is and won't see then need to do anything other than he already is. He's not a mindreader... Tell him now you are both working he needs to pull his weight and give him a list if needs be (selecting to jobs you despise doing of course...)

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 09:28

My ex did this OP so I feel your pain. This was amongst a load of other quite nasty behaviours towards me and is the reason he is now my ex....

I found doing everything for 2dc's on my own much easier after he was gone Wink The rage, you see, takes energy you can barely afford.

I'd give him a chance to put things right but quite quickly after that I'd ltb if things did not improve drastically.

The poster who said you'd get a different set of responses if he ws checking-out if family life to play x-box had it spot on.

And I think aibu is often sometimes inhabited by stepford-style matryrs. Ugh.

peggyundercrackers · 22/02/2015 09:28

I don't get the just because OP does the childcare and housework it doesn't mean her DH doesn't get tired? What's her doing these things got to do with how her DH feels? So he falls asleep, Big deal - lots of people do it, certainly not worth having an enormous row over. Maybe he zones out because he's fed up of you being snippy with him? You can't control what another adult does - they are an adult and get to do what they want to do.

As for the others saying give him jobs, erm.. Fuck you! I'm not your employee who you can order about - fuck off and try and control someone else.

Achooblessyou · 22/02/2015 09:28

You are both working full time but you got used to doing all the chores when you were part time, and it sounds like it's continued.

Have a conversation

You can't cope on your own now you are full time, can he do x y and z
If he can't whilst working ft, can he do a stint at part time ( you've done your bit)
If not, why don't you both go 80%?
If not, buy in help (cleaner, gardener, take washing to laundrette)

I didn't make it work - my misogynistic ex thought I was challenging his manhood by suggesting he went part time Shock.

Do you love this man enough to make it work? The extra housework is temporary - soon the kids will start helping (if you ask them to) . Well by soon I mean in 5ish years but it does fly by!

But at the moment you are facilitating his laziness. I suspect the hasn't the first idea of how much you do.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 09:30

So should she just ignore the dc and their needs peggy Confused

Leave the house to become a shit tip and just snooze alongside him until their lives implode?

Genuinely wondering wtf you are on about here...

maddening · 22/02/2015 09:34

Yanbu op - whether you are both working or one is working and the other doing childcare in the day (eg a parent of children who are not at school) you both stop at the same time - so when he gets back from work he picks up with the housework and childcare with you - it is part of being a partnership - he also chose to have dc and the work and responsibility that comes with them.

m0therofdragons · 22/02/2015 09:34

I often fall asleep putting dc to bed giving them cuddles. Dh comes and wakes me and I go downstairs and have our evening. Often we eat before dc are in bed so minimum activity in the evening as we are tired. We share housework but so minimal amount. I work pt but care for 2 pre schoolers and a 7yo. When I up my hours we will have a cleaner.
Talk to dh and work out a balance. Getting irritated by him being tired seems pointless.

maddening · 22/02/2015 09:38

Peggy it is equally controlling to leave all the housework to the op - lounging around while someone who you love is doing the same amount of work in the day and expecting them to pick up 100% of housework and childcare is treating the op like a skivvy - I doubt the op would mind the odd night but this man is acting like a teenager with a mother not a grown man who chose the responsibilities of dc.

maddening · 22/02/2015 09:40

And if she wakes him he acts like an arse

mytimewillcome · 22/02/2015 09:44

Peggyundercrackers she is an adult as well and she has decided that she is not going to put up with doing everything anymore. Are you saying that she can't do this?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/02/2015 09:51

OP I would be inclined to suggest there is something medical going on here.

I can attest to extreme tiredness, I am currently awaiting CFS diagnosis Confused

HOWEVER: I work 6 days a week, am a single parent and am responsible for doing all the chores in my house obviously I would love to have someone to share some of the work with!

It is possible to do your chores, then go to sleep. He needs to realise that he doesn't always come first, and that if you carry on doing everything yourself you will end up completely burned out, then he will have not choice but to take over!

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 09:56

You can't control what another adult does - they are an adult and get to do what they want to do.

She doesn't get to do what she wants to do! She's too busy carrying his lazy arse. If he hates housework that much, he needs to pay for a cleaner.

Hathall · 22/02/2015 09:57

Yanbu op!
Just have a frank chat about it without arguing and divide the evening chores. Take it in turns to put the baby to bed, cook and wash up every other day or just allocate chores. Whatever you both agree on.
It really is not fair on you and I would be livid.

skittycat · 22/02/2015 10:09

I can understand that you are frustrated with doing all the housework etc, and he very well may be a lazy git. BUT I would make him get tested for thyroid issues etc just in case there is an underlying cause.

My partner went through months of calling me lazy because I was spending a lot of hours asleep and it felt like I could barely function. I eventually went to a doctor after I fell asleep at 1pm on a car journey having only woken up initially at 10am after sleeping for 12 hours - I just couldnt keep myself awake. Diagnosed with an under active thyroid, i've been on medication for a year now and have only just started to feel 100% this last month.

I'm not saying he definitely is ill… but he very well might be.

Otherwise, yes, he's just a git.

PiranhaBrothers · 22/02/2015 10:10

Okay I've re-read the OP and realise that I got bogged down with the irritation about him falling asleep. I still stand by what I said about him getting checked over by a GP so you can rule out medical reasons for his laziness sleepiness. Once he, presumably, gets the all clear then there will be no excuse for him not pulling his weight.

It sounds like you have already sat down and been through this with him many times so he is fully aware of how you feel yet he has done nothing to change.

"We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough"

"and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane"

Stick by this. Have one last talk with him so it is crystal clear to him that you will split up if there isn't a significant change in the dynamics of your relationship. You said he has always been like this so, realistically, there is little chance of him changing. It sounds as though he does not really value your relationship so you need to decide whether the emotional drain of being with him is worth it.

Make proper plans for how you will cope if you split up - would you get to stay in the marital home, what benefits are available to you, how much maintenance would he be able to pay etc.

YANBU to want your partner to help in the home. I hope that you can sort this out one way or the other and that your life becomes better than it is now OP.

ISpeakJive · 22/02/2015 10:12

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thatsucks · 22/02/2015 10:27

OP I don't think your snappy posts have helped you get the support you legitimately need - YANBU but you have have been unnecessarily rude.

Anyway, I really get your resentment and frustration.

My cousin's husband is exactly the same. They nearly split up last summer over it. The only difference is that she's a SAHM.

Actually the main thing that bothers her is not the unequal distribution of household chores and childcare but because she feels they have no marriage!

He is asleep by 7pm every night (sofa) - where's the conversation, sharing your day's news, watching a box set together, talking about the kids, having sex?

She says when they are out with friends and he's the life and soul, awake till midnight she wants to kill him with a blunt instrument.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 10:29

I speak jive your post reeks of uncalled for nastiness.

Why? is your self esteem wrapped up in making others feel less worthy about themselves or are you just a arsewipe in general?

chopinbabe · 22/02/2015 10:30

You say that working part time was not for you and that you really enjoy your job.

This implies that you went back to full time as a choice, not because you had to do.

Did you discuss with your husband what this would mean for him with both of you working full time with two small children? Was there an opportunity for him to work part time? Was it a family decision or something that you decided on your own? Was he happy with it and did he understand all the implications?

If the answer to any of those points is, 'No' then I think you are being quite unreasonable in pushing this life change on him.

You sound snippy even in your own screen persona, so maybe he is fed up listening to you and prefers to go to the Land of Nod.

If you divorce him, then you will be doing it all and I should think, his life would be happier in many ways.

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 10:33

Jive, I don't know what your problem is, but can I suggest you take it to an appropriately qualified professional and stop spewing all over the internet? Because we really don't need to see you vent your anger issues in quite such high definition, tbh.

AuntieDee · 22/02/2015 10:39

OP - maybe you could get rid of your husband and cook meals, clean AND do the bedtime bottle/bed? At least then you would have to see him sleeping...

SlaggyIsland · 22/02/2015 10:44

Chopinbabe are you from the 1950s? You think women need their husbands permission to work?

Chewbecca · 22/02/2015 10:45

It is totally unreasonable to not split household chores evenly given you are both working full time, you've got to address this.

But I do find it really unreasonable to be so angry with someone for sleeping and being tired. I'd feel sorry for anyone who had a partner who got cross with them for falling asleep, regardless of male or female or which decade we live in.

chopinbabe · 22/02/2015 10:47

I don't think I said that.

I questioned if the OP's decision was a family one and that her husband and she would be happy with the change in lifestyle.

In the same way, I would expect her husband to discuss with her any changes they, as a family would undergo, if he decided to work part time or apply for a job on the rigs which would mean him working away for long stretches at a time.

is making family decisions something from the 1950's? Who knew!