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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
loveableshoulder · 21/02/2015 19:12

To those who say it's rude to fall asleep. I'm an evening sleeper and not embarrassed about it at all.

I regularly fall asleep on the sofa, in the Cubans. I have been known to fall asleep out to dinner, in a nightclub, at a gig. I have had yo stop driving at night nun, many times for deaf of falling asleep. When your eyes begin to close, I defy anyone to stop that feeling for long. It is a horrible feeling of inevitability. No choice in the matter.

Some nights I stay up late. I don't seem able to predict which night will be an early night and which a late one. It just happens that way.

So it might not always be about choice. In my experience, more focus bid nights have more to occupy and distract the mind so will be awake nights.

But he absolutely should be doing more around the house. Half of all the domestic shit.

iammargesimpson · 21/02/2015 19:14

Op, I don't blame you for being pissed off, I would be too in your situation but I think you're pissed off at the wrong people!! People are posting helpful replies and you haven't once said 'thanks for that' or that you would take any of the suggestions on board.

If you can get him to the gp to rule out any illness/condition, then he really has absolutely no excuse not to pull his weight; at least a trip to the doctor would rule that out and show him how concerned you are about him and the situation. Good luck.

PiranhaBrothers · 21/02/2015 19:17

OP - does your husband stay asleep all night after he drops off or does he wake up later and come downstairs? If hes sleeping from 7.45pm then I'd definitely say there's more to this than him just trying to avoid his 'family duties. Nobody should be that exhausted every night and not eating.

Is it every night or is it just now and then?

You say that the baby is in your bed every morning, is that because you have to do a night feed and are too tired to put him/her back in the cot? If so then get your husband to do his share of the night feeds.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:20

I used to fall asleep all the time. Utterly fatigued and exhausted most of the time. It was a running joke for years that I never finished a film with my DP as I'd fall asleep half an hour into it.

Turned out I was pre-diabetic and my body couldn't process carbs properly.

Young, active, seemingly healthy, good weight. It was discovered by accident.

It's not always just laziness or 'checking out of life'.

PotteringAlong · 21/02/2015 19:22

My DH often falls asleep after dinner. I just wake him up when it's time to put the dc to bed. It has been known for both him and I to fall asleep when putting the children to bed - it's dark, warm, rhythmic stories damn you gruffolo it's just the way it is. There must be more to it if you're going to divorce over this.

itstartsnow · 21/02/2015 19:22

I would be so pissed off as well

YANBU

Achooblessyou · 21/02/2015 19:30

Yanbu

When you have kids there are lots more jobs to do. You carry on doing them even when you are exhausted, because they need doing.

Trouble is in your case he doesn't have jobs to do because you are doing them - so he can relax and fall asleep.

My ex used to do this. He always had energy for the nice things in life and his hobbies.

I fall asleep when I sit down after all jobs finished - doesn't mean I'm ill.

foSho · 21/02/2015 19:31

I understand why you're annoyed. Sounds like you're doing everything around the home, despite now working full time too. I think you wouldn't get so angry about the falling asleep if he was pulling his weight.

I think you have to discuss him taking on some household chores to lighten the load. As others have said, he could cook dinner a few nights a week. At least that would be a start.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:35

I think there needs to be a strict trade-off on jobs. Could he do one bedtime and you the next? Strict division of general jobs. Does he do his own washing? You should definitely not be doing everything.

SlaggyIsland · 21/02/2015 19:38

I can't believe people are piling in on you OP. No wonder you are furious - you both work full time and you do all the household and childcare stuff on top of that. If anyone should be falling asleep with bloody exhaustion it's you!

Nonie241419 · 21/02/2015 19:40

Putting DC3 to bed sends me to sleep 5 nights out of 7. I can't help it, it just overwhelms me. I certainly don't do it to opt out of the rest of the evening. After a while, I resurface and get on with the night.

Donkey36 · 21/02/2015 19:41

My husband does this, we agave 3 DC aged almost 7, almost 4 and almost 4 months, he does this whenever he has our little one even during the day but have to say he has always been able to sleep anytime,anyplace, anywhere .... I on the other hand struggle with sleep so ahss always fallen to me to be the alert parent ! It pisses me off to varying degrees ... However I would second other previous posters I think possibly it is worth having a medical as he could have underlying health prob, if that's ruled out you have every right to feel he IBU ! Xx

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 19:42

I think your snipping at people on here is because those people are focusing on him falling asleep. It's missing the point. Are you really annoyed because you both work FT and you do the bulk of the household work or are you solely annoyed because he falls asleep?

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 19:42

aaah *you're snipping

hauntedhenry · 21/02/2015 19:44

I understand why you're annoyed, but I don't think its that unusual with a small baby. My dh often used to do this, and I would just wake him up for dinner. Likewise, I never saw more than 30 minutes of a film as I'd fall asleep on the sofa. We both worked full time, our babies didn't sleep well and the baby years were hard work. Our youngest is 2 now and things are much better, but it was very tiring.
Get a cleaner, wake dh up for dinner and try not to get wound up. Things will get better.

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 19:44

Yanbu. Good to see the sisterhood turned up to make you feel like a nasty selfish bitch for wanting SOME help from your dh with the family he helped you create!

I would: leave him to do dinner. If he fannies about you get a longer nap "doing bedtime" - let the other DC cry at him when dinner is late. If he makes nothing make toast for you and nobody else. Tell DC "dad is doing your dinner" cheerfully when they complain at you.

Have him put the washing on every other night AND get the baby dressed every morning. When it's your day to do washing only do your clothes and your eldest's clothes. So if he doesn't do his he has nothing to wear and cannot get the baby dressed.

Take turns doing the bathroom. When it's his turn and he hasn't done it invite your MIL round and tell her "you MUST admire the bathroom, your son cleaned it today!". Pretend to have forgotten he'd nor done it.

Etc. Etc.

I know a conversation might be a better idea, but mine us more fun.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:49

I think people may have got sidetracked by the sleep issue and not quite noticed that OP says she does absolutely everything. I know I did - I answered based on my experience that sleeping a lot isn't always just because one is lazy or useless. I tend to skim long posts and just didn't quite catch that it's about much more than just the sleeping.

He needs to man up.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/02/2015 19:51

Kitchen table how ridiculous you sound. You would really make yourself toast and leave your DC hungry to prove a point? Ffs.

OP, as I said up thread, he absolutely should be doing an equal share in the house but I would get him to get himself checked out medically re the falling asleep. I'm glad my DH was kinder than a lot of posters on here when I did this.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:52

I agree that you need to stop doing anything at all that benefits him. If that's the only way he'll learn then so be it. And if he persists in being useless you'll know that there is nothing more you can do, at which point you'll need to decide whether it's something you can live with.

YADNBU to have the rage.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:55

No it doesn't actually sound that ridiculous. He is their father, he can and should get his children's dinner when they need it.

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 19:57

But my suggestion would be to alternate days for meal prep/dinner. That way at least the children will get their meals promptly every second day until he realises he's being an idiot and gets himself together.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/02/2015 20:01

Of course he should be making their dinner, I have said repeatedly he should be doing his share ie 50%!

But first I would exclude medical reasons, then I would advise him if he didn't step up and do his share our marriage would be over, and if he didn't step up I would end the relationship. I wouldn't play passive agressive games leaving children to cry.

He needs to act like an adult, but she does too, unlike kitchentables advice.

perfectlybroken · 21/02/2015 20:09

I do sympathize OP, I have a husband who really needs his sleep, the problem is that my sympathy gets stretched when I have been up with a crying baby all night! You do sound REALLY angry though, like a bit more than one would expect considering what you've mentioned in the post, are their other things that make you think he doesn't care?
I think that it might be better to try and tactfully arrange things so that he doesn't get much opportunity to lie down. Arguing with a tired person, or in fact about sleep in general, seems doomed to failure in my experience.
For example my husband was 'unable' to get up with the kids when I'd had a hard night with the baby, so rather than argue I eventually just accepted that he would let me go back to bed for a bit later in the day (he works evenings- I realize this doesn't apply to you). It's easier just to work with what you've got really, unless it's a make or break issue for you.

Thisismyfirsttime · 21/02/2015 20:10

What does he do when you wake him up then, to put a different slant on it? DH regularly dozes off when he's on the sofa watching telly when dd is in bed or when he's putting her to sleep (understandable if he's tired, surely putting a baby to sleep involves quiet, dark surroundings!) but when I give him a nudge and say what needs to be getting on with he does it. What does he do when you wake him?

HolgerDanske · 21/02/2015 20:12

I envisaged it as more of a short, sharp shock. Obviously it couldn't go on and on..

I do agree with you, I don't think the situation is salvageable if he doesn't step up. I'm guessing it's unlikely to change. And I've just now noticed after another read of the OP, that Unhappybunny has already said enough is enough.

I'm sorry I missed that, Unhappybunny. I blame Saturday brain-fog.

No you're not being unreasonable. He's had lots of notice to change and he either can't or doesn't want to.

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