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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
littleleftie · 21/02/2015 17:56

Christ you are getting a hard time on this thread OP!!!

YANBU

Why should you do all the housework and childcare when you both work FT? How come he is the one that gets to have a nice snooze? When is it your turn?

I would plan at least one night a week where I went out to an evening class or something so that he had to look after the DC and you get a break.

Also, you need to split household chores 50/50. Tell him calmly over a cup of tea and ask him which tasks he would prefer, and come to an agreement.

If this doesn't work I would ask him exactly what he imagined he was bringing to the relationship.

AwfulBeryl · 21/02/2015 17:59

Op why are you being so tetchy ? I dont think any of the responses on here have been that bad at all.
Like pp have suggested it will be easy to swop jobs, you can put the baby to bed and he can cook dinner.
I used to do the pre bed feeds and dp would cook, I would quite often fall asleep and he would wake me up for my tea - and I was a sahm Shock he is a bit of a 1950s housewife though Wink
It is easy to drop off when you're sitting down feeding a baby, I used to do it all the time.

mrspremise · 21/02/2015 18:02

AIBU?

Not necessarily, but....

Waaah, you're all horrible!

Biscuit
Duckdeamon · 21/02/2015 18:03

The main issue here seems to be that since you returned to FT work he hasn't done his fair share of domestic work or admin. Yanbu to be pissed off If you have discussed what needs doing and how to split work between you and he hasn't agreed to do a fair share or agreed but isn't actually doing it.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 18:04

I have thought about asking him to do dinner and swap roles in the evenings, and have tried this before but he just tends to come in and Fanny about getting changed/watching TV and needs to be nagged... But yes worth considering trying this again.

Like many women I guess I just crack on with it all as it's easier than nagging.

The character assassination has been most enjoyable. Yes I'm tetchy, yes I'm pissed off. I did not post here out of boredom.

OP posts:
AwfulBeryl · 21/02/2015 18:06

And yes obviously he should be doing half the housework (sorry I skim read and missed that first time round)

EternalBeauPlate · 21/02/2015 18:06

Sounds like you are so annoyed because now you both work full time and you are doing 90%(?) of day to day stuff and he is the one falling asleep.

WineListPlease · 21/02/2015 18:08

This certainly isn't worth getting so angry about. Big rows aren't going to help.
I suspect that the timing of putting baby to sleep, is at a point when his body is feeling tired, and that just sends him off to sleep. He needs to be doing something different at that time, that will keep him awake.
You need to talk, not nag, and try to work out a fair split of things between you, that suit your body clocks.

DaffodilsAreMyFav · 21/02/2015 18:08

I don't blame you for being a bit tetchy OP. What you are putting up with would wreck my head.

AwfulBeryl · 21/02/2015 18:08

I don't think getting him to pull his weight is nagging, you shouldn't have to remind him, I hate that if a man was talking to a woman about something it would be communicating, if a woman dos it its nagging.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 18:09

It would piss me off too. I just hate the expectation (even from some mums posting here) that the house is really our responsibility even if we're working too and the dad can just drop everything without warning and we'll take the strain.

I would hope that if either partner was particularly tired the other would give them an evening off if they really needed it and asked but just going off to sleep (and it sounds deliberate since he does it specifically when he has stuff he's supposed to be doing and not other times) and just assuming that the wife will cover everything would drive me insane. What id she was especially tired that night too?

PiranhaBrothers · 21/02/2015 18:11

The character assassination has been most enjoyable

Where was that then, I must have missed it.

People have pointed out that you are being tetchy which you have also admitted. Can't see any character assassination tbh Confused

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 21/02/2015 18:11

OP I feel your pain.My DH also does this,he is also a wanker and its causing problems in our marriage.No idea what to do about if

grannytomine · 21/02/2015 18:12

I agree he needs to do more but falling asleep when you are settling a little one is so easy to do. To be honest if you speak to him in the tone you have used to some posters he might just be trying to avoid you. Sorry I know you are tired but you are a bit snappy.

Summerisle1 · 21/02/2015 18:14

Got to say that if you are as snappy and rude in real life then I'm not entirely surprised that your DH is grabbing a few zzzzzzzs.

No, it isn't helpful but heck, you do sound like hard work.

Duckdeamon · 21/02/2015 18:21

Of course the OP is angry, she is working FT and doing the vast majority of the domestic work and childcare and running the home and her DH is not doing even the things he's agreed to do an instead enjoying leisurely snoozes! Suggestions that she just shouldn't be angry about this are like 1950s advice columns!

Could it be a start to stop doing chores for him? Eg just cook what you fancy for yourself, leave his washing aside. Put his mess or dishes in a cardboard box. Please yourself more.

Sianilaa · 21/02/2015 18:22

OP, YADNBU and I'm not surprised you're annoyed.

The issue isn't the sleep.

The issue is that they both work FT and the OP does everything around the house while he dozes off and doesn't lift a finger. That's not acceptable really.

I think you pick a time when you're both awake and no small people around and bring up (a) your concerns about his health and perhaps if he is that tired, he should organise to go and see his GP and (b) that now you're working full time, things need to be split 50:50 and which chores did he want to be responsible for? Write a list/rota if needs be!

And don't bother nagging him - just don't do it yourself. So if it's his turn to cook dinner and he faffs/falls asleep/doesn't do it, then ask once and then sort yourself out and not him. If he can't or won't pull his weight you're not his skivvy.

Fairylea · 21/02/2015 18:25

I feel like I've walked into some 1950s time warp here. Both the op and her dh are working full time. They have a baby and a school age dc. When they come in from work the op is cooking dinner for everyone etc and looking after the school aged dc. The dh is giving the baby a bottle and going to sleep. On what planet is that remotely okay?!

bimandbam · 21/02/2015 18:27

Yanbu.

Wake the fucker up. Tell him he can sleep when everything is done and the kids are in bed. Like you.

Its a cop out of family life and he needs to do his share of everything.

Dragonfly71 · 21/02/2015 18:29

I would be pissed off too and have been in past when my DH dropped off early evening. He would then stay up later than me and then we would be "out of sync". It's much easier now our children are older and he works 4 days a week.
Your DH IS opting out by doing this and risking your marriage if he won't address the distress it is causing you and discuss it. But you talk about his general apathy....and the fact you have split before.
I don't think you have been snappy, just a bit scathing to some of the rather glib responses which is allowed on aibu. Stop being so sensitive everyone Wink

Mrsbird311 · 21/02/2015 18:32

My husband does this all the time,,if he sits on the sofa for more than ten mins he's asleep, I use it as an excuse to turn over and watch crap on the telly, give the lazy bugger a shove and wake him up

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/02/2015 18:41

Please tell him he should go to the GP and have bloods etc done. I did this and had no idea I was seriously ill, I thought I was just tired with the usual work and DC stuff. Putting DC to bed was the worst, quiet voices, dim room, it felt like the end of the day. I literally felt it was about 1am I was so exhausted. It wasn't malicious, I was exhausted. It should be checked out ASAP.

Re the housework, this should be split 50:50. Or as I keep saying on here, you should both have equal disposable income and equal free time. It's the only fair way. If he doesn't pull his weight in the house, this needs addressing but I would seriously advise him to get to the Gp sooner rather than later.

Still, equal free time and income is a recipe for a good relationship and even if he has a medical condition, this can still be achieved.

CatsClaus · 21/02/2015 18:59

i really don't know why you are getting such a drubbing OP....it's rude and selfish of your dh to prioritise a sneaky nap instead of being a functional family member

Tanith · 21/02/2015 19:01

I would get him to go to the doctor, just in case.

I was doing the same for years (falling asleep, I mean) and DH eventually insisted I go to the doctor when he heard me stop breathing one night. Turned out I had a sleep apnoea. My brother had also been diagnosed.

Now that we are being treated, I can't believe how different I feel. I hadn't realised how utterly exhausted I'd felt until I began getting a proper night's sleep.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/02/2015 19:02

I'm lucky my DH didn't think I was "rude and selfish" of course...

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