Tell me that this would piss you off too...

[Unhappybunny79]

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...?

Posters weren't sympathetic. Go back and have a look at the first page, which is what sadly set the tone of the thread

This

Actually, sleeponeday, I think your comments better describe the Op!

Actually, Tanith, I now doubt your ability to read!

It's the case that none - NONE - of her replies were that snippy. They were mildly irritated at the assumption that she was responsible for the wellbeing of a man who showed no concern for her own.

He's healthy. She has suffered serious illness. He is not pulling his weight at home despite both working full time, and the response is that she should do yet more wifework by hustling him off to the GP. A grown man who isn't bothering to do so himself.

When she shows mild irritation in very short sentences she is met with spite so extreme there have been deletions. And then people insist SHE is the one being rude.

AIBU is so fucked up.

Yes, a bonkers Stepford Wives first page.

OP, he's either unwell or a bit of a checking-out passive aggressive twat. If the latter, he'll drive you crazy and you will end up batshit.

I hope you are ok and that you do note the support now here.

Sleeponeday I am so glad that there are some sane posters on here.

Glad you've had a talk and agreed things with him, fingers crossed that it works out for you. I sound a bit doubtful because someone who genuinely believes it's right to share household responsibilities when you are both working, well, just gets on and does it. Doesn't have to be asked, doesn't complain about you nagging, doesn't need a rota. So I think you are going to have a bit of a fight on your hands to not end up doing it all again.

And I mean a fight with yourself. You (and other posters) seem to think this is normal for a man to expect the woman to do it all and that they are wonderful if they can be persuaded to 'help' a bit. This is only normal in some households. It is not normal or a general 'truth' about men in other households. If he is a lazy arse who thinks this is all womens' work, you don't have to agree with this and pick up the slack when he is being lazy. If you start doing that, then you'll be back at square one. Get angry. He's taking the utter piss out of you.

Chat he just be tired?
who gives a fuck if he is tired or not, there is work to be done he isn't doing it.
If he is tired get the work done and go to bed for proper sleep.

I also think the OP has been very poorly treated on this thread.

I'm glad you've had a chat with DH. Definitely don't start mopping up his if he doesn't do them.

I stopped doing DH's washing for a while. We both worked f/t, we had a DD who didn't sleep and I was bfing her. I don't think DH expected the washing to be done, he just didn't think about how dirty washing ended up clean, it was always me having to remember to do it. He ran out of pants in the end.

I totally get how annoying it is to feel like you're running the house and also working the same as your partner. DH and I used to do alternate bedtime/dinner, not on a strict rota but just to share it out (neither of us like cooking). I'd very clearly say what needed doing and by when, we'd then choose what we'd do based on preference.

Working full time and managing a family is knackering, no doubt. But it isn't on that he gets to check out whenever he feels like it, and you just have to pick up the slack. Which makes you even more exhausted.

DP and I do it like this:

After work and dinner are done, we have a list of jobs. They need doing every night in order to keep the house in order. We both appreciate a tidy house, but we are both a little lazy. I write the list (and am happy to do so, as I like the control) - then everyone chips in. Us and the children. People pick jobs from the list and we work together to get them all done. There will be standard things on the list - vacuum, dishwasher, cat food, fold washing and put a new load on. Each day I will add something extra as well, so maybe clean toilets, or steam clean floor, tidy understairs cupboard.

Nobody sits down until its all done, and once it is, we are all done, we all enjoy our time together and relax. The housework is a shitty job, nobody likes doing it, but we work together and get it all done in about 30 mins.

The OP has said that she believes his snoozing is a way of getting out of doing the chores. It's not genuine tiredness.

DP and I both crash out at the slightest excuse, we are both tired from work, many evenings there's one of us snoring on the sofa. But we also both share the household chores. Being tired is not an excuse for opting out and leaving it to someone else.