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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me that this would piss you off too...

211 replies

Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 16:36

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...? Hmm

OP posts:
Fairylea · 21/02/2015 17:17

I'd let him take over cooking the dinner and you put the baby to bed. Unless he wants to set fire to the house he will have to stay awake.

This would drive me mad too op. I have thyroid problems and a pituitary issue and I still manage to stay awake when I have to. Clearly he feels he doesn't have to. Well fuck that.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:21

Thank you Fairylea and Slice I thought I'd stumbled into a 1950s forum until now ... Hmm

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/02/2015 17:21

I get so exhausted after working full time that I often fall asleep early.

However, you two are a partnership and why should you have to do everything. You need to work out which jobs belong to which of you and stick to it. Otherwise, if you keep letting him get away with being a lazy sod, you are enabling the bad behaviour and you will keep getting more and more annoyed.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 21/02/2015 17:22

He might well have an underactive thyroid or other invisible health condition.

Cheers, your harsh and judgemental attitude makes me feel so bloody fantastic..I am so, so glad that my DH is not like you!

WipsGlitter · 21/02/2015 17:23

You sound very, very snippy in your replies.

The respective length of working day is irrelevant, some people just need more sleep / get tired more easily. Just wake him up when he nods off with the baby.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/02/2015 17:23

What time does he get home?

If you're both home at 6-ish then apart from
giving the baby the last feed all chores should be done by then.

He is not doing it to annoy you. My Dh used to do this and I was a right bitch about it - just like you it felt like a slight against me.

I was totally in the wrong.

We now do no chores after 6.30 - instead they get done on a weekend (and they're equal) - we're both too tired/lazy/would rather enjoy the evening than do them.

And he goes to bed earlier than me - 9.30 most nights. I'm more of an eleven o clock person.

Healthy adults don't just fall asleep unless they're tired enough - you must try and accept that he is tired enough to fall asleep. Just because he does less work than you, is more of a fucking woose, is less resilient than you doesn't make it deliberate. He can't be YOU Wink

Me, I'm like you - will plod on, do more, can do less sleep.

When we go out my DH has to drink diet coke to stay awake or he'd snooze off in the cinema.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 21/02/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:24

YeGods - if his attitude to me was not making me feel so shit I would not be posting.

Naturally I'm also glad I am not like your husband

OP posts:
Fairylea · 21/02/2015 17:25

The thing is even if someone has an underactive thyroid (as I do - on 200mg thyroxine a day and also have other issues and on long term daily antibiotics) it doesn't mean you fall asleep randomly. If you are then you need to get back to the gp sharply and adjust your meds. Generally if you have thyroid issues you might feel very crap and shattered but if you know you need to be awake then you make sure you're awake. Otherwise having a thyroid condition would mean people are not safe parents because they are in danger of falling asleep ! - which of course is not true.

diddl · 21/02/2015 17:27

So he cooks whilst you put baby to bed?

Sometimes you need to be doing something to keep awake!

I'm a grown woman & have gone to bed at 7.30 before.

When you need to sleep you do!

Feckeggblue · 21/02/2015 17:27

I have a friend who had the same thing and also found it highly irritating, whereas I have to say it wouldn't bother me and if I fancied a nap in the evening id hope, as an adult I could. That said, not on if childcare etc still needs doing

diddl · 21/02/2015 17:28

Sorry Fairy, missed your post saying the same thingBlush

ghostyslovesheep · 21/02/2015 17:29

for some one asking for help you are incredibly rude

anyway he's been like it for years it sounds like it's just how he is - I agree with waking him up for dinner and getting a health check to make sure he's not got an underlying issue

WD41 · 21/02/2015 17:31

If there are still things around the house that need doing, why can't you just wake him up? Seems quite simple to me.

As I said my DH falls asleep a lot but I wouldn't let him stay asleep if it meant I was doing everything. I'd just wake him up and he'd be fine with that. He's usually quite apologetic when he's fallen asleep early. Is your DH reasonable?

sliceofsoup · 21/02/2015 17:31

FFS. I hate the way MN turns into a bunch of armchair GPs giving their diagnosis.

The OP has said that he doesn't fall asleep if he is engaged. He is choosing to fall asleep to check out of family life.

OP do you wake him? What is his reaction if you wake him?

Do you ask him to do things? I know you shouldn't have to, but what would his reaction be if you did? I have to tell my DH what needs done. I shouldn't have to, but because he does it without complaint, I don't really mind.

Original poster
Unhappybunny79 · 21/02/2015 17:37

Obviously it's not acceptable to justify my OP. Looks like my DH would be a good catch for many of you...

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 21/02/2015 17:38

I went back to work last year after a few years off with the children. Re-training meant being at work during the day and college in the evening twice a week, and DH had a bit of a shock once he realised stuff wasn't going to appear and be magically done.

He's better now, and pulls his weight about the house. But only because I'm very blunt and call him out on it when he's being lazy. Also, when I went back to work I said to him either he began pulling his weight or he forked out for a cleaner twice a week. He's tight as a gnats chuff so the thought of spending money killed him right off.

Huge sympathy, I'd say give him a bit of a bollocking and make him to bedtime every night or cook tea. You're doing far too much.

Feckeggblue · 21/02/2015 17:44

I don't understand why you're being so chippy OP

Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:45

Most of us, after a day at work, would doze off in a dark, warm, quiet room.

Try it.

Yes, it may be a health problem and so on BUT assuming it is not, it's really irritating for the OP. I don't think anyone would do much more than roll their eyes at the odd case of a husband dozing off but every night is taking the piss!

PiranhaBrothers · 21/02/2015 17:45

You sound very, very snippy in your replies

Was thinking the same thing to be honest.

I had no idea you left home at the same time and he gets home a 'whole 20 minutes' later. Nothing was mentioned about that, just the fact he has a longer commute.

How does he react when you discuss these issues with him?

sosix · 21/02/2015 17:47

Op, your replies are really nasty. Hmm

PiranhaBrothers · 21/02/2015 17:47

Why don't you ask him to swap roles in the evening - he cooks something and you put the baby to bed? That way he will stay awake as he is being active and you get to doze off some downtime before eating.

WyrdByrd · 21/02/2015 17:55

Well, you're obviously really pissed off and not just with your DH by the sounds of it

Get him to make a GP apt and get checked out for underactive thyroid & anaemia and maybe a blood sugar check too. If you know for sure it's not physical then that's one excuse off the table.

As many others have posted I think YABU about the falling asleep - he can't do it to order just to wind you up, however...

...as you both work full time he really needs to get his finger out and take more responsibility for sharing household stuff.

TBH I think his lack of doing his share is probably at the root of this, rather than the dozing off per se.

mommy2ash · 21/02/2015 17:56

why are you sniping at everyone giving you replies? its not as if any of us can magically cure your situation only give suggestions.

divide the household tasks and aim to get most things done at the weekend. accept that when working full time there isn't much time to get things done during the week. if you are all out of the house till six in the evening there shouldn't be much to do except make dinner, tidy up from that and maybe put a wash on. take turns at who cooks.

if your husband is tired i think you need to just let him sleep. im not saying that because he is a man but because he is a human and if tired needs sleep. if he even slept through dinner he didn't do it to spite you he was genuinely tired. i wouldn't be happy if someone woke me when i was sleeping. what was it you wanted him to do?

talk to him about arranging a check up at the doctors just to rule anything out if he is overly tired. you haven't said what he does for work but if it isn't very taxing there may be another cause. someone else mentioned a thyroid condition. i have an under active thyroid and while i don't randomly fall asleep if i lie down i can just drift off so its worth checking out.

18yearsoftrying · 21/02/2015 17:56

OP

You do seem to gravitate on here towards the negative without even considering the positives of posts.

Could this be one of the issues?

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