Tell me that this would piss you off too...

[Unhappybunny79]

NC although not a regular poster I'm frankly embarrassed, here goes...

Bit of background;
Married 4 years two DC one a baby one in school

Had a rocky few years with serious illness in the family (including me) but muddled along

I have recently started a full time job for the first time in years; it's good money, what I wanted to do and I'm enjoying it

Had spent the past few years on maternity/working part time and decided this was not for me; felt like being at home with the DC had come to a natural end and finally built up my confidence to get a new job

DH also works full time, he has a 45 min commute by train (mine is 30 mins by car). Other than drop the baby to nursery I do all housework, cook all meals/packed lunches/order food shopping/book breakfast and after school clubs/household admin and also pick up both DC as he gets home 15 mins too late and will not ask boss to leave early even one day a week

Here is my real issue: he often uses "putting the baby to bed" I.e giving him his bed time bottle to fall asleep himself. He did just this at 7.45 yesterday evening. A grown man falling asleep at fucking quarter to eight. All the while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. The dinner did not get eaten. Blazing row ensued. This is mainly because he did the exact same thing to me last Saturday (valentines day (!) ) but this time on the couch. I see it as totally rude and as opting out of all responsibility and family life, he often does this when there's stuff to be done (ie take the dishes out to the kitchen/discuss whatever it is we need to etc) and he has form for this, in all the years we've been together he has always done it and he knows it drives me insane.

Our sex life is naturally lacking as a result, he moans about this despite me telling him it's impossible for me to shag a sleeping husband (hilarious isn't it) morning sex is a no no as baby often in bed

We have split up for a few months over this and his general apathy a few years ago, and now again I have told him enough is enough.

He has no illnesses, is a fit, healthy man in his mid thirties. No depression etc although I'm beginning to think he may be as I just cannot compute his general disregard for me. It's making me feel dreadful.

Before I get a flaming I want to stress that if on occasion he returned home declaring he'd had a bad day and just wanted to go to bed I would of course not begrudge him this, it's just the "I don't give a fuck about you" factor that gets me

So what now...?

Taken me a while to read through... But Bloody hell. Glad you are all here

I admit I haven't read it all.

OP there should be fair split of the housework etc

However yes lots of adults fall asleep early. I can rarely put lo to bed without also falling asleep even if I feel wide awake when I start off. Something about me reading aloud does it I would hate to listen to me reading I can slur, make words up talk about something unrelated. I rarely manage a bedtime without a doze luckily DH just comes and wakes me. Likewise if I read aloud in the day a snooze is likely to follow or if I am a passenger in a car or in a meeting after lunch. Just before anyone mentions it no no medical problems it is just as it is.

Anger at his laziness not his dropping off.

Holy pile on, Batman! OP, YADNU. Your DH is a grown man. If he's tired, he can have a lie down when he gets in. If he's ill, he can get himself to the doctor. But sneaking off to treat himself to a stealth nap while you're cooking his dinner really isn't on. And fully agree with PP that you'd better sort out a 50/50 split for the housework asap, or this will only get far, far worse. A lot of posters suggest a cleaning rota in these cases (you're all so clever and organised!), perhaps you could try that. You do sound tired and cross,btw, but under the circumstances I think that's PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED.

Thanks to all that've seen my point.

A cleaning rota in principle is a fab idea, I do wonder however how many of you really and truly gets their DH to actually do their share.

It's a shame I've had such a flaming, it's also a shame to find myself in the unhappy marriage I am posting about. What support.

Has he been checked for Sleep Apnea? If he's a big snorer, that would be a hint. DH had it and even though he was technically sleeping 8+ hours/night, he was always dead tired because he wasn't getting quality sleep.

My DH was (still is) an early to rise and bed guy. Up at 4 am, in bed by 8. We both worked full time (now retired). I got home probably an hour before him. Dinner was ready by 6 pm (I usually cooked) and he had his own share of the household duties, which he did either in the morning before he left for work or on the weekends. Sometimes it would drive me crazy to leave dirty dishes overnight, but if it was his turn to load/unload the dishwasher & he didn't do it before bedtime, he'd do it in the morning. Same with running laundry. I'd put wet washing in the dryer so it didn't sit overnight, but he'd fold it in the morning. We shared childcare routines. It does get easier as the children get older.

To tell you the truth, once I learned to 'let it go' if he didn't get his stuff done before he conked out, I rather enjoyed the time to myself between his bedtime and mine!

Every time wake him up and tell him what job he's doing.

You do x, whilst I do y.
Everytime. And not even if he's falling asleep, but from the minute he comes in. Redivide those tasks in two.

And do not use the 'for me' words.

So eg, when dinner is over, say

Are you making the lunches whilst I wash up, or do you want to wash up?
Or you can make the lunches whilst I wash up.
He can hardly say I'm not doing it.

Then when lunch making is nearly finished, find the next two tasks, so whilst I organise the clothes you can fold washing etc.
when you have decided it's the last task say 'you x, me y and then we can sit down together'

It works Everytime because if he tries to wriggle he looks like a twat.
If he says, I'll just watch x first, say yes I think I'll do that too, or pick something that lasts as long. That way he kows it's still to be done and everything else.

Or sit h down, tell him to man up or move out.

*Every time wake him up and tell him what job he's doing.
You do x, whilst I do y.
Everytime. And not even if he's falling asleep, but from the minute he comes in. Redivide those tasks in two. *

You'd last about two seconds trying that shit with me. I'm a grown adult, and if I want to sit and watch the end of a tv show before I wash up, then I damned well do. It's Sunday afternoon here, and I have every intention of having a nap, even though there is plenty of things to be done around here, but it's one of the privileges of being an adult. And I'd go mental if I had to do that with a partner, they are a partner, not my child or my employee. A serious discussion needs to be had between the OP and her partner, but it's a partnership, not a dictatorship. Doesn't anyone actually have conversations with their partners anymore?

See, this is why I'd never, in a million years, start a thread on here about something that was really getting me down in my relationship.

The last thing the OP needs is a load of people piling on with suggestions of ways to enable her lackluster DH.

They both work. She does all the shitwork on top of that. He is opting out. And people are giving her a hard time?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

And for what it's worth bunny, this wouldn't just 'piss me off', it'd drive me round the bend.

Yanbu. I'm sure you wouldn't mind him falling asleep if he had helped you get all the necessary jobs done beforehand. Or if it was a one-off, or of he usually pulled his weight at home. But he doesn't, and falling asleep regularly like this shows that he's not even grateful for what you do.

My DH falls asleep every night getting our toddler to sleep. He sets alarms on his phone to vibrate every 10 minutes to wake him up when he nods off so I am not left on my own all evening. Could that be an option?

They both work. She does all the shitwork on top of that. He is opting out. And people are giving her a hard time?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

This. Ignore the professional martyrs. Not judging them; if their kink is domestic masochism then fine, there has to be a reason that Fifty Shades of Shite is so popular, but personally I expect to be sharing the workload of a family two people created. Tell him you'll put the baby to bed and he can make the sodding dinner from now on.

The only proviso - does he snore a lot? No chance of sleep apnea?

I'd get this thread moved to Relationships, personally. Some replies on AIBU tend to be contrarily combative for the sheer hell of it these days, it seems.

My DH falls asleep all the time. It doesn't annoy me. But if he won't get up when I need him to...that makes me go fucking nuclear.

Gosh I couldn't read past the second page. So many people who think it is ok that you work full-time and do everything to do with the children and the housework as well.
As you said OP, welcome to the 1950s.

Honestly. AIBU is like a parallel universe sometimes, and it's hard to know if people are genuine (you'd hope not), or just trying to put the boot in (you'd hope not).

It doesn't seem to me like anyone is suggesting it's fine and she should let him sleep, more that he may be genuinely tired and not falling asleep on purpose, and that she should wake him.

People saying 'wake him when dinner is ready', and that their DH does this because he works full time, poor love (ergo: the OP should also put up with it, in spite of also working full time) are the sort of responses I'm referring to.

YANBU!

I agree with posters advising he gets checked out with the Gp just to rule anything sinister out and at least that way if there's no health problems causing it he truly has NO excuses.

Sounds to me like he's just being a lazy fecker copping out of his duties though. I'd definitely start ordering him to cook dinner and you feed the baby. Is it dinner for the older DC as well as you two? If so and he does fanny about rather than cracking on, doesn't it make DC nag at him? I know my DC are awful if dinner takes too long. Also if DC comes to you and asks about dinner just say "Go ask daddy, he's cooking it." But if it's just for you two don't accept take out as an option. Say "either you cook it or we have toast. Take aways are a waste of money." Also don't wash, iron or put away his clothes. May sound petty as fuck but he has to learn somehow.

I'd just let the house get into a bit of a state and if he complains just say "haven't had time, been at work and then busy with the DC. Feel free to do it though." He'll soon get the hint. Of course this is after sitting down and having a discussion about how it's making you feel, what needs to change etc but it sounds to me like he already knows, he's just being lazy!

YANBU. He has become accustomed to you doing everything so you are going to have to be very firm and clear about what you now expect of him.

What happens at weekends? Does he pull his weight?

To the poster who said that they are an adult and if they want to take a nap they will. That's fine if you are on your own but if you have a partner who is literally doing everything else including working and looking after their children then it's not ok. Ultimately your partner is another adult and why should they put up with it??

To the poster who said that they are an adult and if they want to take a nap they will. That's fine if you are on your own but if you have a partner who is literally doing everything else including working and looking after their children then it's not ok. Ultimately your partner is another adult and why should they put up with it??

I did say that the OP needs to have a conversation with her husband, there is no question about that. My response was to the poster who said that they would demand they start doing a job every time they sat down. The OP and her husband need to decide between themselves what will be done, but not necessarily when. EG if the partner takes on the responsibility of the laundry, then he can do it at night, in the morning or on the weekend. As long as it gets done. Demanding another adult get up and start doing a job every single time they sit down is ridiculous.

My dp could sleep anywhere and used to fall asleep regularly with our ds when you had to lay down with him.

However ! I knew this and would let him have 10mins and then go wake him up.

His reaction was to get up and carry on around the house getting tea ready blah blah blah, not opt out, not carry on sleeping and choose to spend the evening with me. Your dh is being a twat.

I honestly would go nuclear, he is letting himself go to sleep knowing that there is nothing you can do.

In fact if my dp has a free bit of time he has a cat nap, but I don't mind because he pulls his weight equally in our relationship.

He needs to pull his finger out op and support you

OP you sound bloody exhausted and I'm not surprised!

Does your husband stay up late at night generally(apart from when he nods of obviously)or wake a lot in the night?If he does he needs to sort out his sleep pattern that should stop him nodding of.

My DH nods off some evenings,but then he does do a lot for me and the children and he gets up in the night with our DD7,she's autistic and disabled and I can't manage the stairs anymore(disabled)so night waking usually falls to him the poor bugger.

He really needs to start pulling his weight,you are doing the Lions share of everything and he must know that.After all if you didn't do it it wouldn't get done would it!

Oh God I'm always nodding off. As soon as I sit down or stop I'm asleep. DP just wakes me up and I get back on with life again. I have a busy life, am up at 530 for work every day, your DH is probably tired too. Cut him some slack. As long as he wakes up and normal service is resumed I don't see the problem.