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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH and GF "claiming" dc as theirs

136 replies

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:24

DD has come back from her dad's with a Valentine card from her dad and his GF. Inside they have written "to our wonderful daughter" and both signed it.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? (Not the sending Valentine cards to your kids bit, I don't like it but I accept that some people feel the need to do this) DD is not "theirs"!
They have been together 2.5yrs, been living together six months. GF has no kids of her own and can't have any (nor could I btw so I do sympathise with her- my DD is adopted)
I think that this is unreasonable and confusing for DD who has LD (8yo) and just a bit weird.

OP posts:
jasper · 15/02/2015 15:08

I think it's sweet.

rookiemere · 15/02/2015 15:08

Yes but AmyElliotDunne regardless of how wonderful the GF is, she is not the DD's mother therefore the addressing of the card is not correct, and indeed seems deliberately designed to wind up the OP by being brought home with her.

OP YANBU but I cannot see that anything useful would be achieved by confronting them or firing off abusive texts. I'd just keep a very careful eye on the situation.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2015 15:08

It depends how the relationships all round are in general. Is the GF a nice person who the DD likes? Is the father reasonable? Or is there constant whining, squabbling and competitiveness?
Because this could be a kind of pissing-on-territory move, or it could have been meant as a gesture of affection that was poorly-worded but well-intentioned.

richthegreatcornholio · 15/02/2015 15:08

On the flip side I would be upset if either of my step parents didn't describe me as their son, just as I don't consider them to be any different to my parents. Obviously I'm a lot further down the line but remember OP that you can't have too much love. If the sentiment is genuine and she does genuinely care for your DD then that's a good thing. It's not a competition. It's likely that this woman will be in your DD's life for the long term and surely it would be wonderful if they developed a close and loving relationship?

projecting · 15/02/2015 15:09

Amy you are utterly on the wrong end of the stick.

Step parents can be wonderful step parents. To "win" they simply have to see the difference between being a parent and being a step parent.

If this woman can't appreciate the difference then she is not a wonderful step parent.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:09

Nah. It's massively wanky on several levels.
It's def not sweet.

jasper · 15/02/2015 15:09

odd, but sweet !

projecting · 15/02/2015 15:09

Sorry Calleigh, then please don't read my post as being directed at you Smile

Fanfeckintastic · 15/02/2015 15:10

I would freak the fuck out OP.

Probably not helpful but I'm just being honest.

projecting · 15/02/2015 15:12

It upsets me that so many posters can't see the problem with this.

To those posters - for your own safety do NOT get involved with either my exH or my children Smile

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:14

I'm with you Projecting.
It's not sweet. Not at all.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/02/2015 15:20

Sending a Valentine's card to your child is odd.

I am someone's stepchild and very much do see my step parent as being my parent equal worth to my biological parents. Neither of whom have ever been absent.

It probably does grate on my biological parent who "shares" the same role but, that's how things are. I know a few people who feel similarly to me.

PilchardPrincess · 15/02/2015 15:21

Don't think it's odd to give valentine's to children and stuff personally.

Do understand why you are not happy about the wording. There are loads of different ways they could have expressed that sentiment without putting "our daughter". Even "To a wonderful daughter" would have been better.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:22

Valentine's Day celebrates romantic love.

Sending a valentine to your child is odd .

Pickle131 · 15/02/2015 15:23

It's not the most sensitive, bearing in mind how you as the mother might feel But - and I say this as a mum of a 14 y/o with a step mother - the most important thing to me, and far far more important than any feelings I might have, is that my son feels loved by his stepmum. I had a partner at one time who just tolerated my son. And my son knew. This kind of step mum might well be a keeper!

That said, the fact that they aren't yet married would bother me. Because I want stability for my son and I wouldn't want this kind of message written in a card lightly.

So you're not being unreasonable in what you're feeling. But best to be kind to the gf because she could well be a permanent fixture in your child's life.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 15:24

Freaky.

Once again, I give thanks that ds's very kind and loving stepmum has great boundaries and a life of her own.

SinglePringle · 15/02/2015 15:25

My step dad thinks of me as his daughter and I think of him as my dad (& not step dad).

It's not wrong.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:29

If my dad had sent me a Valentine's card I would have been non plussed.

Wtf is that about?

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 15:30

Well, I'm American and in the US Valentine's Day is not just about romantic love so that part doesn't bother me.

As for the long-term GF, I am really happy that the mother of my step-children has never objected to my calling them my son and my daughter. In fact, I think she has appreciated my dedication to them as I have appreciated her willingness to share them with me.

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2015 15:30

Well even handwritten I don't see a problem.

DD calls both her dads, dad. She would be miffed and upset if he didn't say he had 3 kids when asked and to all intents and purposes she is 'our' child. We treat her exactly the same as the other 2 and if I were you I would be glad if someone not fulfilling the cliched wicked stepmother role in my child's life.

My life would have been far happier if I had had a stepmother who looked upon me as hers too.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:30

People

Valentine : husband wife partner girlfriend boyfriend amore.

Not - child mother father parent.

PilchardPrincess · 15/02/2015 15:32

My dad used to give valentine's cards to me and my brother, I never felt that it was because he wanted to be in a "romantic relationship" with us.

In our family it's about love, generally. So not odd.

If you have different traditions then that is fine.

JudgeRinderSays · 15/02/2015 15:36

You are overthinking this
Your child 'belongs' to your ex, but it would have seemed a bit unfriendly to send the card not from both of them, so how do you suggest they could have pluralised 'my'

grocklebox · 15/02/2015 15:37

Fucking hell I would have to be held back from killing the bitch.

I think your anger issues are a bigger problem to your children than any theoretical step parents. Hmm

RE the OP:Yeah, its weird. But on its own, not really a huge deal.

Ikilledlucybeale · 15/02/2015 15:38

I think this is potentially harmful, as DD is adopted. She has already lost one mother, and had to learn new parents, and be secure in that. A girlfriend coming along and undermining that could be very confusing. I think this would be weird if DD was a birth child, but positively damaging within the context of adoption. 2 1/2 years isn't very long.