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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH and GF "claiming" dc as theirs

136 replies

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:24

DD has come back from her dad's with a Valentine card from her dad and his GF. Inside they have written "to our wonderful daughter" and both signed it.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? (Not the sending Valentine cards to your kids bit, I don't like it but I accept that some people feel the need to do this) DD is not "theirs"!
They have been together 2.5yrs, been living together six months. GF has no kids of her own and can't have any (nor could I btw so I do sympathise with her- my DD is adopted)
I think that this is unreasonable and confusing for DD who has LD (8yo) and just a bit weird.

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 15/02/2015 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 15/02/2015 17:08

the card incident alone is nothing but the rest sounds like there is something tp be concerned about especially considering your dd is adopted.

I would keep detailed records and ensure that any and all communication between you and your exh is done on writing so that it can be proven

pictish · 15/02/2015 17:08

Agree with quietly keeping a diary of any incidents regarding their discrediting/diminishing you. Stash the card away with a date written down. Keep anything that shows them to be stirring or antagonising you. Do not respond in kind! Be ever polite and gracious.
Hopefully it won't come to needing any of it, but in doing so, at least you'll feel you're gathering evidence of your own. confident that you can only be viewed in a good light. x

GokTwo · 15/02/2015 17:17

I lived in America when I was younger and Valentine's Day wasn't just for romantic love at all. In fact I remember our teachers making us breakfast and giving out sweets all day. Anyway, I can understand your feelings op. I have a friend in a similar situation and it annoys her greatly.

jigsawlady · 15/02/2015 17:26

do you know whether exh or the stepmum wrote it?

if it was ex I can't see your issue, surely its just a matter of wanting to do 1 card rather than 2.

my mil sends joint xmas cards to me and dp and addresses them as son/jigsaw and signs mum/ mil name. that is very weird in my opinion. she definitely just gets a general mum xmas card say to mum signed from us both.

you dont really believe they think this will make your dd see herself as their daughter not yours, do you?

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 17:31

It's interesting to hear of a cultural difference I was not aware of, but, yes, I remember as a child in primary school in the States, we all exchanged Valentine's cards with everyone in the class and with the teacher. It's not limited to romantic love in the States. In fact, it is often referred to as "the holiday of love and friendship."

Ludways · 15/02/2015 17:43

We send cards to my step dd saying daughter. But it's signed Dad and Ludways, I've never thought anything of it, unless she signed herself as mum I really don't see the issue, it's only a card.

Ludways · 15/02/2015 17:44

I might add, these are never valentines cards.

sleeponeday · 15/02/2015 18:03

Agree on the diary front. Do you have any emails at all supporting whining about longer visits, calling contact a "duty" etc?

If they're going for joint custody - do you mean equal time? As in, 50/50 overnights? If so then the realisation they won't have to pay any child support in that set-up may factor. If you just mean a shared residence order that doesn't need to affect actual contact division or maintenance payable, though it would give the SM (if named on it) PR as long as the residence order endured.

That card would hurt any mother's feelings. Also agree that as she's adopted (and especially if your dd has any memory of her birth family) then it's potentially going to undermine her sense of security in you as her permanent parents, and as such CAFCASS may take a very dim view.

projecting · 15/02/2015 18:05

skylark I'm rofl Smile

Would you like to diagnose me with ASD while you're there? Seems the logical next step.... Smile

Pancakeday · 15/02/2015 18:07

OP may I ask if this is the same daughter that you have recently been discussing on the adoption board? If this is the case,then I would certainly be concerned about the card.

WannaBe · 15/02/2015 18:10

I think the posts from people who were stepchildren are the ones which are relevant. Because as much as we as adults don't like the idea of a child attaching to a mother figure, the opinion that is most important is the child's.

Given the unanimous opinion of stepchildren is that they consider stepparents to be just as much parents, as hard as it is, you need to let it go.

mummytippy · 15/02/2015 18:17

Your definitely need to be keeping an actual diary and communicating by email/in writing.

I see the card as being a sign of you are equally ours... which would upset me. You adopted you dd with your ex so she is yours and his.

You need to keep a close eye on things but remain polite and always focused on your daughters best interests. I can see this could confuse her and some ground rules need to be established.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 18:19

There's a massive range of step parent relationships.

I doubt someone with an absent dad and who lived full time with a loving step dad for 20 years would feel the same about their step parent as someone who has been occasionally seeing their dads new girlfriend for the last six months.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/02/2015 18:26

John - neither of my parents were absent, I said so in my post.

Given the op's update, it appears this is not merely about not liking this other woman's presence. So the situation is different for her than it is for some other posters who seem to have a frankly bonkers attitude to step parents.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 18:30

I didn't mean your post in particular, Ali :) I meant in general.
I think time makes a big difference in these things.
If Ds thought of all his dads girlfriends as his mother, he would have four mothers (that's inc me) by now- eek.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/02/2015 18:34

Fair enough, John. Time is a factor, I'd agree.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 19:39

Pancakeday - yes it is

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 15/02/2015 19:46

I think you should not mention the card, it is totally out of order and obviously trying to wind you up. Keep it with your diary though.

My DSS is adopted and I have never tried to be his mother, though when he was 3 and living on his own with his Dad, with little/only supervised contact with his adopted mother, I did naturally take a mothering role. I do have my own kids too, the same age as him.

As he got more and more contact with his AM, over the years, he became more and more distant to me. Which was fine, I knew he was making a bond with her and he felt guilty being close to me. She is a very odd woman, and now he won't even come in a room if I am there or speak to my kids. I think this has harmed him in his development and relationships.

You sound like a wonderful loving mother, so I am sure you will allow your daughter to develop relationships that benefit her. It is really hard finding the balance. Good luck with court if you have to go. They have to prove that you are unfit to parent, you have already been found fit and capable by the adoption people, so unless they have something solid they have no chance of custody.

Pancakeday · 15/02/2015 20:11

Rain, I hope you're ok. I followed your thread about the issues you've had with your daughter and think you handled things brilliantly. I hope you are getting some proper support from social services. Sending you all my best wishes

mummytippy · 15/02/2015 20:19

I agree with CalicoBlue

You need to not rise to this but document it with how you feel it could have confused you daughter and how it made you feel. Like I said before, as long as you have your daughters best interests at heart and remain dignified you will have a strong case. Good Luck x

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/02/2015 20:29

They obviously did it just to piss you off. No matter if your DD is confused, its all about control and point scoring.

Charlotte3333 · 15/02/2015 20:29

Not going to lie; if 5 days over Christmas was too much effort for EXH and his Partner, how the heck do they imagine they'll cope with shared custody?

I'd be riled by that, definitely. But I don't think I'd give out about it, just store it away to think about if ever DD was upset or concerned over her family situation. As for trying to discredit you as a parent, let them try. Keep your head high and be the best parent you can to your wonderful DD. That's all she needs.

Ilovenannyplum · 15/02/2015 20:44

YANBU - I would be livid

I'm also a stepmum and would never ever write that in a card to any of my step kids. When DP gets them birthday cards, they usually are 'son' cards but he just signs "love Dad and X"

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2015 20:57

So a bit more to the story then. I'd still not make a big deal of it, unless DD is upset or is questioning 'who is mum'. If you're expecting some big custody battle it's best to be as high on your dignity as possible.

Unless your DD was adopted at an older age, where she remembers being removed from her 'other' parent or was in foster care before coming to you, I don't think her being adopted makes a jot of difference in this situation. I'm adopted and I can assure you that a mum/dad/stepparent thing wouldn't have made me feel any more or less secure than a biological child would feel in the same situation. If she has SN, then maybe, but not just being adopted.