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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH and GF "claiming" dc as theirs

136 replies

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:24

DD has come back from her dad's with a Valentine card from her dad and his GF. Inside they have written "to our wonderful daughter" and both signed it.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? (Not the sending Valentine cards to your kids bit, I don't like it but I accept that some people feel the need to do this) DD is not "theirs"!
They have been together 2.5yrs, been living together six months. GF has no kids of her own and can't have any (nor could I btw so I do sympathise with her- my DD is adopted)
I think that this is unreasonable and confusing for DD who has LD (8yo) and just a bit weird.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:39

Nope. It's odd.

I adore my children, adore them. They have nowt to do with me and Valentine's.

MoanCollins · 15/02/2015 15:40

I have a friend who does this with her stepsons. She makes a big deal on facebook about them being 'her sons' and calls them and her own child 'our sons'. It's not nice, I really do not like it. Whether it's the father or the mother if they are still around and in their lives a new partner should not try and usurp their position. You can very much make a child feel like they are part of your family without trying to elbow into the position of a pre-existing parent.

It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and this is on the behalf of a woman I don't really know! (Friend's DSC mother). It's totally unnecessary and smacks of trouble making.

wheresthelight · 15/02/2015 15:45

Am on the fence here.

Dp always buys son/daughter cards at birthday and xmas for his older kids and signs them from dad & wheres so I guess it's no different.

is it really such a big deal? if your daughter is happy then is it worth rocking the boat?

rinabean · 15/02/2015 15:46

It's not about you, it's about your daughter. My stepparents are my parents, I am their daughter. Does your daughter have a problem with it? I mean fgs she's already adopted, I found being a STEP child with STEP parents all the time hard enough, you want to make sure everyone is firmly stamped BIO mother ADOPTIVE mother STEP mother, can she not just have parents like a normal kid? It's not about you. Why does she have to be a STEP child and an ADOPTED child, why can't she just be a child?

skylark2 · 15/02/2015 15:46

"Fucking hell I would have to be held back from killing the bitch."

Do you seriously think that being so immature and out of control that you'd be unable to prevent yourself attacking someone based on a greeting they wrote in a card is something to be proud of?

Either you need to grow up a lot, or you need to stop telling lies for attention. Actually the second also suggests that you need to grow up a lot.

rinabean · 15/02/2015 15:48

What should it say, "to my fake daughter, because you're not my real daughter, because this isn't a real family, you don't have a real family, and as you don't come from a real family you're not a real person. Don't get any funny ideas!!!!!"

Would that warm your heart as her mom?? Get a grip

pictish · 15/02/2015 15:48

I think it smacks of troublemaking too. Sly, manipulative troublemaking.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:50

OR maybe just don't send a valentine card to a child?

pictish · 15/02/2015 15:51

I definitely wouldn't give rise to it either way.

FightOrFlight · 15/02/2015 15:52

Yes its odd to write that in a card and have the gf sign it. I wouldn't have been very impressed either. Do you think it was your ex-H's idea and his gf felt obliged to go along with it?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 15:53

Dear xxxx

The most wonderful girl in the world

Have a lovely day

Love dad and Sheila

Or

To darling xxx

So proud of you

Love dad and Sheila

  • snot hard is it?
Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2015 15:54

Why nasty and manipulative? Do most adults you know behave like that or are you just incredibly cynical?

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2015 15:55

And as for 'claiming' DD??

Really, I would think that entailed sticking a flag in her or something with more pomp and circumstance.

JillyR2015 · 15/02/2015 15:55

As a matter of English and of accuracy I am very against this. It is like families where friends are called "Auntie Jean". Even as a child if I heard of families doing that I disliked it - I like things to be correct rather than wrong and misleading.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 15:56

Also, they've been together 2.5 years and have lived together for 6 months; I think "partner" is the term here, not "girlfriend."

bamboostalks · 15/02/2015 15:57

Valentine's Day celebrates erotic love not filial love. How weird to send a card to your children? Eh? When has this started?

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 15:58

Some of the attitudes on this thread are so sad. I remember the first time I heard my stepmother refer to me as her daughter. It made me feel wonderful, and in no way lessened my bond with my mother.

wheresthelight · 15/02/2015 15:59

then you would hate me in rl jilly as my friends are my family and dd is taught to call adult friends aunty and uncle unless they specifically ask us not to as it is respectful. it is how I was brought up and I choose to continue it.

yellowdaisies · 15/02/2015 16:00

I don't refer to my DSD as my "fake DD" I just call her by her name Hmm

Ikilledlucybeale · 15/02/2015 16:01

Depending on when the OP's DD was adopted, she may remember her first mother. Then, attaching to a new mother, a forever mother, and father, learning that she is their daughter now. Then a new woman comes along and calls her 'daughter', after living with her dad for just six months. We're not talking about a secure, settled birth child, who is content in her relationships and attachment, and all love is good, etc. We're talking about a child who has early trauma, has been parted from her mother once, and had another mother take over. I think it shows a lack of understanding on the part of the girlfriend. An adopted child could take this sort of thing much more to heart than a settled, attached from birth to one mother, child. OP, YANBU, but perhaps it's just ignorance, rather than malice. Does she appreciate how confusing this could be for DD?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/02/2015 16:01

I would hate for my children to have a step mother and it would anger me to see a card like that.

I will be my children's only mother, and I will never accept another women claiming my kids as her own.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2015 16:03

I don't have experience with this specific situation, but wouldn't it be better to look at it as 'actions speak louder than words'?

Do they try to cut you out of your DD's life? Do they downplay your role/importance in her life or try to put stepmum equal to or in a higher position than you? Do they tell DD that you are not her mother or that she doesn't have to listen to you? Do they respect you as an equal parent/authority to her dad?

Just a little word, 'our', really isn't that important in and of itself as long as the 'actions' of daily living reflect the respect you deserve and the position you hold as her mother. Of course, if it's upset or confused DD then it needs to be resolved.

pictish · 15/02/2015 16:04

Incredibly cynical I'm afraid. It's not something I celebrate about myself, but there it is. I'm always happy to be proved wrong because I'm also an optimist, but regrettably that doesn't happen much.

"To a wonderful daughter" would have been the obvious wording to use, if they had even a shred of sensitivity.
Hand writing "To our wonderful daughter* is pointed and wilfully provocative.
I'd bet my last tenner the intent was to antagonise, whoever's bright idea it was.

giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks · 15/02/2015 16:05

There is enough love for you all to love her. There are bigger problems you could have with your exh gf than that she loves your dd too much.

pictish · 15/02/2015 16:06

Which is why I would to give a toot about it if I were the OP.