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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH and GF "claiming" dc as theirs

136 replies

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:24

DD has come back from her dad's with a Valentine card from her dad and his GF. Inside they have written "to our wonderful daughter" and both signed it.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? (Not the sending Valentine cards to your kids bit, I don't like it but I accept that some people feel the need to do this) DD is not "theirs"!
They have been together 2.5yrs, been living together six months. GF has no kids of her own and can't have any (nor could I btw so I do sympathise with her- my DD is adopted)
I think that this is unreasonable and confusing for DD who has LD (8yo) and just a bit weird.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 14:26

Valentine's card to DC are odd so I'm just seeing this as odd + odder.

Nolim · 15/02/2015 14:28

It is odd to give valentines cards to dc. Is your dd confused?

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:28

I can sympathise with you, I really can.

However, I do think if you are going to send a valentines card to your child (!) the way they have done it is quite sweet, really. I can understand it feeling a bit Confused for you though.

wreckingball · 15/02/2015 14:29

Certainly odd, not sure there's much you can do about it without having a row though.
Maybe you could mention that it confuses your DD about who her Mother is, if indeed it does.

StrawberryMojito · 15/02/2015 14:31

Yes a bit strange but as a one off, I wouldn't worry too much, especially as it looks like gf is a permanent fixture/in a step mum role. If it does confuse your daughter it would be worth mentioning to your ex.

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2015 14:32

Blimey DH been in DDs life for 11 years now and we still fail to find cards for any occasion which don't say to mummy's daughter and daddy's step daughter or to my half sister maybe from DS.

Maybe you could come up with a line if cards which say things like the above or 'from Daddy and his latest squeeze'.

CliveCussler · 15/02/2015 14:33

I can see what you mean. But I imagine it would have been a bit cumbersome to write

"To my wonderful daughter, love dad. And to my wonderful stepdaughter, love step mum"

I wouldn't read to much into it unless it has confused your dd.

OllyBJolly · 15/02/2015 14:35

I know a lot of parents send valentines to their DCs - I also think it's bloody weird but hey ho, nothing to do with me.

Re the daughter bit, I actually think that's quite nice. It's lovely to think they think of her in that way. If she's long term, then the GF will have a mother type role - hopefully.

rosepetalsoup · 15/02/2015 14:35

Is it weird to get your toddler to help make teen DSC a valentine's card? I hope not (I did this).

But yeah, she's not "their" daughter!! Totes unreasonable (of them), but good overall that the stepmother loves her.

ImBatDog · 15/02/2015 14:35

yabu.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:36

Madame - "to our wonderful daughter" was handwritten, it wasn't printed on the card.

Why not simply write "to xxxxxx" if they have to send her a valentine card?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/02/2015 14:36

madame

They have written that line in its not preprinted

projecting · 15/02/2015 14:37

I would be up like a bonfire night rocket about this.

Awful. Very rude and confusing for your dd.

I'd send a text making it very clear that she is not a mummy and she does not have a daughter.

Angry
rosepetalsoup · 15/02/2015 14:37

Was it in your DH's writing? If so just wishful thinking/rosy family specs on his part?

I am a stepmum (of sorts) and know if I participated in this I would be slated by DSC's mum!!

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:37

My DP has a DD, so I have a DSD too and I would not write or claim such a thing.

OP posts:
rosepetalsoup · 15/02/2015 14:38

(Also I know it would upset DSD. In short, as a SM, no way would I do this!!)

yellowdaisies · 15/02/2015 14:39

It's odd to send a valentine to a child. It's an odd way to sign a card. And it's either odd or possibly a bit shit a stirring to let her take it back to her mum's signed like that.

I have DSC and would always sign a card with my name. "To our lovely [Dd's name]" would have been perfectly OK if they feel the need to add to it

But probably best to ignore it.

UncleT · 15/02/2015 14:41

Of course Clive, because that's the only thing they could possibly have written in the card, right? Envy

YANBU - girlfriend of a couple of years is most definitely NOT her mother and you should stamp on this nonsense right now. Nip it right in the bud, it's not on.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2015 14:41

My 4 yr old dd made my 3 year old ds a valentines card because i told her it is a day to tell people you love them, and she loves her brother. There are different types of love. Make the day what you want.

I dont see op's frustration though.

projecting · 15/02/2015 14:45

Don't see it?! Are you mad?!

To be a single parent, to have raised your child alone, to have been the only one there with them when they are ill, or upset, to have sat and done homework, taught shoelaces, and teeth brushing.....

And then have some Johnny come lately fucktoy to claim your child as their own? Swan in and claim all your hard work for themselves when all they've done is fucked your exH?

Fucking hell I would have to be held back from killing the bitch.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2015 14:47

Ok thats really weird. I am certain i typed i DO see op's frustration.

Ilovemybedbaby · 15/02/2015 14:57

I'm also a step mum, I would never write this on a card!

AmyElliotDunne · 15/02/2015 14:59

projecting you sound very bitter. Who's to say the Op has raised her dd alone and that the girl's dad (& indeed his gf) hasn't helped with homework, shoelaces etc.

I would presume from the fact that they've been together for 2.5 years and that the GF is included in the loving gesture of sending dd a card, that the dad and gf think a lot of dd and would happily be involved as often as possible with both of those things. Would you think it was out of order for a grandparent to call her 'ours' or mine despite not having been present during every sniffle.

Step parents really can't win, they are vilified for wanting to be part of the DCs' lives in one breath and then if they don't love them enough or get involved enough they are criticised too.

omletta · 15/02/2015 15:04

I certainly consider my step children to be 'our children', to not do so would be to treat them as outsiders to 'our' family - this said, their mother would consider them to be 'our' children too, and I certainly wouldn't ever write it in a card - there's no need. Smacks to me of trying to wind the other parent up!?

pictish · 15/02/2015 15:07

I'm pretty laid back and prone to laughing off most arseholery, but admittedly this one would stick in my craw.
I don't know what you can do about it though. You could set them/her straight I suppose, but they'd probably put you down as being jealous and petty. From their perspective they are being loving and presenting a united front. I can't see them conceding to your point of view.

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