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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

ExH and GF "claiming" dc as theirs

136 replies

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 14:24

DD has come back from her dad's with a Valentine card from her dad and his GF. Inside they have written "to our wonderful daughter" and both signed it.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? (Not the sending Valentine cards to your kids bit, I don't like it but I accept that some people feel the need to do this) DD is not "theirs"!
They have been together 2.5yrs, been living together six months. GF has no kids of her own and can't have any (nor could I btw so I do sympathise with her- my DD is adopted)
I think that this is unreasonable and confusing for DD who has LD (8yo) and just a bit weird.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 15/02/2015 16:06

I'd say something, I wouldn't be able to help it. But to be honest my ex, as much of a twat as he is would never allow this because he wouldn't be able to stand it if the situation were reversed.

pictish · 15/02/2015 16:06

refuse to

MajorasMask · 15/02/2015 16:08

I think sending Valentines cards to friends/family is more a US thing, it's not exclusively romantic there like it is here. My dad sent me a Valentine one year but I was a teenager and it was way more cringey, just made me think he thought I was lonely!

I agree the wording should have ideally been "Dear XXX, We love you so much, from Dad and Partner" but what's done is done. Stepfamilies can be weird and complex. Mum broke up with her long time DP and doesn't see him now but I call him my stepdad and go for a pint with him and ask about his family. Dad back with his XW, writes cards from them both now but she was horrid to me during my teenage years so i've gone low/no contact. It's a minefield but I honestly don't think this particular card was written with malicious intent, it's just awkward.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/02/2015 16:08

Piper the thing is, when parents separate and have other partners, it isn't about what you will accept, but what your child accepts.

Ikilledlucybeale · 15/02/2015 16:09

In adoption, there can be problems when other people try and 'love your DD too much'. These children need therapeutic parenting, and I wonder if the girlfriend is just unaware of this need, and needs reminding. Her dad should remember this from all the adoption prep, but perhaps he needs reminding, too. Children don't 'grow out' of being adopted, and love can't sort everything out.

Her mum is her mum, and especially in the context of adoption, and LDs, I think the OP is not being unreasonable.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 16:09

Agree with across, watch and wait.

It would be an unusual woman to move in with a man and after 6 months of - what? - weekend visits decide that the child is her own daughter.

Chaseface · 15/02/2015 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowdaisies · 15/02/2015 16:11

scone I do sometimes refer to my DSD as my daughter if we're out in public together and I'm acting in that role. But that's quite different from writing it in a card and sending it back to the child's mother. And doubly confusing for a child with SN who's adopted to start with.

MajorasMask · 15/02/2015 16:11

Oops sorry, I didn't read the post properly and missed the adoption/LD mention. Definitely makes the balance even more difficult and I understand your worry about the confusion with families now.

Chaseface · 15/02/2015 16:13

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks · 15/02/2015 16:14

It sounds like their was absolutely no harm meant. If dd is struggling with understanding then can have a calm chat about wording due to circumstances.

richthegreatcornholio · 15/02/2015 16:15

Reading this thread just makes me realise how lucky I have been that both my parents and step parents were/are mature and rational people who clearly thought the most important person was me. Hence I have 4 wonderful parents who I love equally and have no issues with me loving my step parents. Just for the record I was also adopted but as a baby and have had no contact with my biological parents.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/02/2015 16:17

A question op, is the message itself written in your ex's handwriting? His girlfriend may well have just signed it without reading. I know I don't read the messages in cards my husband has bought and asked me to sign.

This is perhaps something you need to discuss with him rather than the girlfriend.

LittleOwl11 · 15/02/2015 16:21

YANBU. I agree that it's inappropriate and, even if well intentioned, shows a lack of consideration for you and proper boundaries. You're right to get upset, the key is just to not let it become a huge upsetting drama as it doesn't have to be.

I think you should say something to your ex partner. We teach people how to treat us. They may not always like it but does set things right. It's okay and you're allowed to set healthy boundaries with people. If anything healthy boundaries create better relationships so it's a positive thing to set them.

It doesn't have to be a big confrontation or a row. I think maybe just mention when you next see him or in a message if more comfortable something like this:

I'm certain that it was written with love and only the best of intentions and it's really not a big deal, but I noticed your Valentine's card to DD inadvertently suggested your partner is DD's mum. I'm quite sensitive about this and I feel it's confusing for our DD being adopted and already having more than one "mum" in some ways. I would really appreciate your sensitivity about this and finding a good solution. I was thinking there are other lovely ways to sign off cards etc that would work great eg love Dad and (Jane). Thanks so much and lots of love.

Obviously in your own words. But this can be done in a non confrontational way, the key is to prevent getting sidetracked into pointless and unwinnable arguments about their intentions and motives. Just focus on the facts and what needs to be different.

If they genuinely meant no harm, they will likely respond constructively. If they react angrily and defensively, then you will have flushed them and their bad intentions out into the open and can know what you're dealing with and to be on guard in future.

Good luck and hope this helps.

wreckingball · 15/02/2015 16:23

Just a reply to Jilly, I still call a close family friend 'Auntie Jean', I suppose we did it back then because they were too close to be 'Mrs so and so' but we didn't get to call them by their first names back then.
It really doesn't bother me one iota and actually think it's quite nice, my DC call her Auntie Jean too.
Most of the others we called Auntie and Uncle are elderly or have died, you don't hear it much anymore.
The Valentine card is different, I would have written (but wouldn't send a VC to a kid) Dad and Sheila, as someone else said upthread.

needaholidaynow · 15/02/2015 16:26

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YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 16:28

Thanks for all your replies.

Sorry to drip feed but I wanted to know if IWBU purely based on this incident. I think that this has been deliberately done to stir things up and upset me.

Background
ExH and GF/DP have recently gone from reluctantly performing their contact "duties" (that is how they have seen it - they considered having dd for five days over Xmas as an "extended period" and moaned about it, and recently went on a three week holiday and didn't give a fuck about upsetting dd by not seeing her) to suddenly trying to discredit me, claiming that I am a bad mother (they can't give any specific examples of why or how) and taking me to court for shared custody.

OP posts:
FringeDivision · 15/02/2015 16:33

I'm with projecting on this. A gf of 2.5 years has no business referring to the child as hers, when the mother of that child is alive and well and actively bringing her up. Cheeky bitch! The exh has a fucking nerve - nice bit of rewriting history to edit out the actual mother of his child.

Gf isn't even a stepmother at this point...

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 16:34

Well, it's not purely based on this incident. I don't appreciate being drawn into threads where I have comments to make based on my own experience and then discover that they are rendered almost completely irrelevant based on further information.

YouAreMyRain · 15/02/2015 16:36

Apologies scone. I just wanted to see if my judgement was being clouded by other factors or wether this incident WU by itself.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/02/2015 16:38

Whatever you do, don't notably react to this poke in the ribs. It is important that you retain your dignity.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 16:46

OK, I understand, OP. And I agree with pictish. They are probably trying to get to to react. Good luck. Flowers

MajorasMask · 15/02/2015 16:54

Ah - if they're trying to get a rise out of you then complaining about the card would probably do it, really. Try and be super nice about it instead maybe, say you're so happy that DD has two families to feel close to and keep a big cheery grin on your face Grin

ConfusedInBath · 15/02/2015 17:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2015 17:03

YY, agree with others. Don't react.

Keep a diary of all incidents, just in case.