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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/01/2015 17:34

Yabu....

You had ordered it anyway ....and as you say it's the same guests just a joint celebration.

Ask her what she will bring instead....

Enjoy the party

Older · 14/01/2015 17:35

Are you happy to subsidise her generally? If the answer is yes because you feel she needs that support then say nothing.

If you feel no, then you can say the cake cost £50, what would she like to do about going halves or would she prefer to sort her own?

RaisingMen · 14/01/2015 17:35

YANBU. I'd ask her to split the cost.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 14/01/2015 17:36

Are you close enough to your sister that you could just ask her what she will be contributing to a joint party?

Or say ok, I've got the cake, that was £50, you do the sandwiches and some nibbles...

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:37

I'm usually happy to help her out, I have a lot in the past.
Her dh actually earns more than mine does and it annoys me having to cough up so he an continue to cough up money because he is selfish.

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 14/01/2015 17:37

I agree, say you're doing the cake, what is she bringing. If she's stuck for cash I'd feel a bit bad about asking her for it.

AlorsMeh · 14/01/2015 17:38

You can afford to drop £50 on a cake for a 2 year old
You would have bought the cake anyway
She isn't bringing loads of her friends round to eat the cake thus depriving you and your family
She is married to an arsehole and probably has a miserable time as a result of that.

On balance I would just pay for the cake and forget about it.

lem73 · 14/01/2015 17:38

She asked to do a joint party she should pay her fair share. However you ordered the cake before she asked and it is expensive. I would pay for the cake myself but be specific about what she brings school she makes a decent contribution.

notagainffffffffs · 14/01/2015 17:39

How are you with your BIL? Can you message him and say something about him picking up party food etc? Or get him to pre order it on pay day?

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:39

I will ask her what she's pig to bring so I don't duplicate but I'm pretty sure I will be rice cakes.
She rarely has enough money for petrol and I know birthdays just after Xmas are a tough financial time for her.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 17:40

Well if you're contributing a £50 cake, I would say that all other food is down to her!

Do you think that she has asked for a joint party in the hope that you'll pay for it all?

OTheHugeManatee · 14/01/2015 17:40

I think YWNBU to discuss with your sister what she wants to do about the cake. Explain that you ordered it before you agreed to a joint party, that it cost £50 and does she want to go halves so it's the cake for both DC? Alternatively does she want to bring a different cake for her DS?

If she says she can't afford to go twos on the cake but can she share it for free then perhaps it's time to have a conversation about where all their money is going and whether that's really OK.

That might seem a bit harsh, but if she's expecting everyone to bail her out all the time because her DH drinks their income, she is effectively expecting you all to help her in enabling his addiction.

BadtzMaru · 14/01/2015 17:41

I'd let this one go, you were getting the cake anyway and it will be enough for the amount of people there. If you know she can't afford it don't make an issue of it.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:42

I can afford £50 on a cake for a two year old because me and dh spend very little on ourselves, save and don't drink like fish.
However it's not my sisters fault her husband does this.
The issue I have is for the past 10 years the whole family have had to constantly help my sister out because of HIM and I feel that considering they earn more than us they should be able to chip in. Maybe just a little bit, but I don't think she could comfortably hand over £10 for the cake.
It's her partner I have the issue with effectively handing money over to, not my sister or my nephews.

OP posts:
Eastwickwitch · 14/01/2015 17:45

I'd let it go this time but don't set a precedence, the cousins might be sharing a party for years to come.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2015 17:45

If they earn more than you then yes of course they should contribute something....they should anyway.

Sounds like you have an issue with her partner. She shouldn't free load though.

Artandco · 14/01/2015 17:45

I think no. You had already ordered the cake regardless

Also it's not the 3 year olds fault their father drinks money down the drain! So I think it would be nice for them this once surely? Try and get sister to contribute 1/2 towards all other food and prep though

inlectorecumbit · 14/01/2015 17:46

No l wouldn't let this go as it could set a precedent for future parties. After all they are cousins and their birthdays will always be 3 days apart.
I would ask your sister what she is going to provide for the party as you have bought a £50 cake, perhaps some party food or squash etc. Just don't let her pay nothing and give her DH more money to piss up the wall

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:47

I honestly can't work out where their money goes.
I love my sister dearly but I kid you not she has not payed for anything apart from the clothes in her house. Everything else has been bought by relatives or donated.
It does annoy me that as a poster has pointed out it enables my BIL to drink like a fish and take very little financial responsibility for his family.
If they just didn't have the money because they were on a lower income I wouldn't care but we are hardly rolling in it.
Perhaps I should let this one go for my nephews sake, if he loves ice age I don't want to deprive him of a cake I was buying anyway but it's just one thing after another..

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 14/01/2015 17:49

YANBU for not wanting to subsidise his addiction.

SaucyJack · 14/01/2015 17:50

YWBU to ask for half the money for the cake IMO,but not the party food.

It's a ridiculous waste of money lot to spend on a cake by anybody's standards, and I think it would be unfair to expect her to pay for half of it as it was bought without asking her if she was OK to spend that amount on one cake.

It's not as if it'll cost you any more now it's a joint party.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 14/01/2015 17:50

is your sister happy? it doesnt sound like a happy life to have.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 14/01/2015 17:50

I think I'd go along the lines of "I'll sort the cake, you're doing the party games!"

Celestria · 14/01/2015 17:50

I'd let it go. He's your nephew anyways.

Greywackejones · 14/01/2015 17:51

Yanbu.

You chose a cake for your dd. Sorry but I don't see why that should be shared. Why can't she get one for a tenner in tesco for her child? Or hell, make one?

I think she's being babied by you all, and occasionally that grates on you. It's manipulative. I get why your huffy.

And fully expect you will do what you always do, suck it up and do it anyway. Coz that's just what happens in families. Aggravating but I'd pick your battles carefully.

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