To ask my sister to pay half?

[Kab13]

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP, just looking at things from a slightly different perspective...
Has anyone asking your BIL (your sister's husband) to pay for anything/contribute to his child's party/stop drinking/stop coking/stop spending, etc.?
If your sister is in his thrall, what would be the repercussions of going to the source of the problem?
I'm not even sure whether it should be a controversial discussion, i.e. 'stop doing drugs/drinking', or whether it can be 'hey BIL can I have £25 towards OUR kids' joint party please'?

I was initially in the 'suck it up' camp and just have the joint party without any discussion of cost etc.... Now I'm not so sure?

Your sister is in denial, your mum and other sister are continuing to enable this horrible situation and unless someone takes a stand nothing is ever going to change

I'd at the very least be asking what sis what she plans to contribute. I would also be having words with mum and sister about their roles in all this.

Tough love sounds like the best approach here.... sadly.

YAB a bit U

You picked the cake and the theme of the cake, you set the budget so to ask her to contribute to the cost of a cake (which to many of us would be excessively expensive) without having any input seems a bit much.

As long as she contributes to the party being a success, organises games activities and/or bring some food, then I think that would be fair enough.

I agree with Pops - why is the BIL not being brought into things? He may not be a blood relative, but he is a by marriage member of the wider family, and maybe it's time people stopped putting up with his behaviour. So be tough with him about alcohol when it is at your event or house, let him know what you think about his family asking for financial help because he wastes their money, how unhappy you are about the effects of his behaviour on sis and DN, etc?

THIS time, let it go. But, that 3 days is always going to be there, so long as the children are being celebrated at a family do, she will ALWAYS wedge herself in there.

You might be able to discuss alternating who hosts each year, until they are old enough to invite their friends and classmates instead (presumably, the cousin would still be a friend and be invited) . Even if she agrees, she may let you down at the last minute though. But if it works, fabulous.

Or you could just suck it up, and accept that you will end up doing the family do for yours, and unofficially hers, forever. Stable extended family are gold to kids with unstable parents. In future, keep it low key, low £, basically, a weekend family get together with cake. Do it for your kids cousin, at least until it becomes apparent they are or aren't friends in their own right.

The most important thing is that you bothy enjoy the party and your DC's enjoy it too. Just get two sets of candles, let your DD do her blowing out first, then repeat for your sis DS. Sounds like there are a lot of issues going on here, make sure you can look back on the party without bitterness, even though it may well seem a tad unfair now. Take the attitude that your sister is lucky to have a generous and thoughtful sister.

Op, why did your mum give the money you lent her to your bil for a car?
What did you say? How will it be repaid?
The way I see it you've got bigger issues as a family than this childrens party!
Ywbu to ask for money for cake at this late stage. You should have told her to provide her own cake immediately.
Ywnbu to stop joint parties in future.
I also agree with pp who said don't provide alcohol. It is essentially a children's party at YOUR home. Also ask her what she can make and bring to the party.
As a family you have certainly enabled them and it will take time to change the status quo. I pity your nephew for having them as parents and am glad you are there for him.

sister I don't know if she have it all to him. She basically bought him a new car as he crashed his and wrote it off and was relying on my sister to drive him back and forth in between her working and looking after the kids and apparently she's got enough on her plate, which to be fair she has.
This happens every time mum has money, someone else needs it.

I think the best thing to do is to carry on with the joint party with you dd and dn, so you dn is not disappointed. Whether you sister contributes or not.

And then STOP giving anything money/time to you family. They don't deserve it, they don't thank you for it because you have been doing it for so long it is now a habit, if they need something they come to you.

They are never going to sort out their own lives while you are picking up their slack.

As nice as you sister is she has CHOSEN to stay with her husband with all that he has done to her and their children, that the choice she as made so that's the one she gets to live with. I'm not saying if at some point she chooses to leave him that you don't help her, but for now stop.

Am I the only one who wants to punch BIL in the face, shake Dsis by the shoulders and scoop up that poor little boy and take him to Disneyland?

OP, give your nephew a lovely party (complete with rowdy friends and his own bloody cake). Then sit both BIL and your sister down and let them know that you won't be subsidising their lives and their combined shitty parenting anu more, whether it's directly like the Great Birthday Gatecrash or indirectly through your mum/nephew/mailman/whatever.

Ten years is enough isn't it?

OP you're not in the West of Scotland are you? I make cakes and I could make one for your nephew.

Tinkerball- unfortunately not. We're the south west! What a lovely idea though, thank you x

Dutch are you as assertive in real life.
If so lucky you.....You sound great.
I missed out on the assertive gene.

hollyisalovelyname Not half as often as I'd like to be. It's easy to be brave on the internet isn't it.

But in situations like this - yes. It's easier for me to have a really uncomfortable conversation complete with ugly confrontation than it is to lose days of sleep stewing over injustice.

Hi kab firstly I spent £50 on a cake for my DD 14 years ago! That's what you pay for a special cake your child will love and its worth every penny,don't feel guilty about that just because others think its a waste of money.

As regards to your sister,as others have said asking £25 for half of the cake cost won't go down well. As reasonable as it is really....half the cost of a lovely cake for a JOINT party.

But I wouldn't, I would however say I really didn't expect doing the joint party thing and the extra kids,adults ect. So you'll need to bring sandwiches,crisps,buns,fruit skewers and drinks.

Say ill be providing other food too like quiches and salad for the adults.

I got stung last year with the suggestion of a joint party....I've never been so embarrassed or angry.The other party didn't bring anything, no food drinks or even a card for my DD.

They drank 3 bottles of wine that I'd bought so all the adults could have a little toast after we had all eaten, when one guest said "top me up Auntie" I said no sorry it's all gone. My face was burning I was so annoyed it was a child's party not a piss up....he then announced he was going to the shop for more alcohol....great I thought until he returned with one can of Fosters for himself.

His adult friends ate all the food and just generally took the Piss allowing kids to play football in the house and bring scooters in and stuff.

All totally not my nephews fault but its made my very wary of doing anyone a favour again. I'm not saying your DSis is like this but sounds like your brother in law is.

Just be very clear they need to contribute or it's not really joint is it?

Is them gate crashing yours.

Sorry if I've missed some info but if some of your nephew's friends will be going to the party then she definitely needs to contribute in some way. You need to ask her what she's bringing, with no beating about the bush. It's not expensive to make a few plates of party food.

Kab13 aw that's a shame, I could have created something! Have a lovely party anyway

First of all, I don't think £50 is extravagant for a homemade and designed cake with figures. It takes time and skill, and will almost definitely taste a lot nicer than a generic supermarket one.

Secondly, stand up to your sister and BIL, do not continue to roll over and let them walk all over you, it's a bit pathetic. Sorry.

Thirdly, if you think she couldn't afford to spend a tenner on a supermarket cake, where do you think she can rustle up the funds to buy and make party food?

Op, you sound very kindhearted but at some point that has blended into you being used.
Have the party magnamoniously, it's a kind gesture for your nephew. Before the party though, you make it clear to your sister and brother in law that they should be contributing towards their sons birthday party, and if they aren't, why they aren't in a position to do so. And you wait for an answer. You are NOT a charity,

When's the party op?

Hope it works out OP

Well ?

Grr. I wish the OP would tell us what happened.

Just found this thread. I don't think spending £50 on a handmade/hand decorated Cake is bad. If that's what you chose to spend your Money on, then that is your choice. We only have 1 DS, and for His 1st Bday last Year His Cake cost £45 (If memory serves me correctly) and this Year it's £60! Trust me, this will not be happening once we have any more! But we only have the one atm, so I don't see the problem, aslong as you can afford it.
But, back to the Party - It was a while ago - So what happened??