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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 14/01/2015 17:52

His addiction and their family issues sound pretty severe actually, from your subsequent posts.

Whatever you decide to do about the cake and the party, I think you and the rest of your family need to discuss whether you are willing to carry on like this. It might be that what she actually needs is to be supported to leave him.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/01/2015 17:53

Don't ask her to buy a cake for her own DS.

If she doesn't have much spare cash, it won't be as nice as yours and it will be embarrassing for her to have to take it home untouched.

I would ask her to make a contribution by bringing some food or drink as others have suggested.

SoupDragon · 14/01/2015 17:54

Forget the cake - you were paying for that anyway. Can you give your sister some specific jobs to do or things to bring rather than asking her what she plans on doing?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 14/01/2015 17:55

You would have had the cake cost regardless so I don't think you can ask for half now as she had no say in the price or design.

wanttosqueezeyou · 14/01/2015 17:55

When we've shared parties we've always done a cake and sang happy birthday for each child.

I'd suggest that. Then you can put her name on it.

Then shared cost and responsibiity for everything else.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:56

I don't think she is happy, but I think she loves him and stays with him for other various reasons.
I've expressed many a time to my mother that we may well be the reason he is able to treat my sister and nephews so poorly and drink their money away but she just can't stand watching my sister live in poverty Not being able to afford petrol, curtains and proper food for herself.
I will probably suck it up again for my nephews sake and not order a cake next year before asking if she want a joint party again and if she does buy a cheap one from tescos.
Free birthday parties for my nephew each year- god I envy my sister sometimes !

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/01/2015 17:56

Well she's obviously asked for a shared party because she doesn't have the money for her own. That's Sad, obviously. And I get why you feel you are enabling a horrible situation to keep on going.

A stand will need to be made at some point - however, IF you can afford it, I don't think this is the place. Why should your nephew suffer?

I do think you will have to show some tough love at some point though. Just not on this.

Aladyinsane · 14/01/2015 17:57

This is a very complex situation! I think you should pay for cake, and ask her to contribute X, Y and Z. It would be petty to do anything else. However, I think once the party is over and things are settled, you need to have a heart to heart. Tell her you've noticed that she never has any money. If he's financially abusive then she needs to be told that and maybe encouraged to do something about it. It can't be a very happy situation to be in.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:58

Suburban- I agree. I don't want my nephew to be disappointed without sounding nasty the specially made one is probably going to be nicer than they can afford (I know it sounds awful)

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 17:58

£50 for a cake-bloody hell! £12 from Tesco is the most I ever spend!

I wouldn't have agreed to a joint party without sorting out a few details first. Text her now though and say you've got the cake-can she bring enough sandwiches and crisps for everyone plus some drink and you'll do sausage rolls etc. I don't think it's fair to expect her to contribute to such an overpriced cake.

If she says no-say, 'Oh right, maybe you should arrange your own party then'

Tell her you've bought your own cake and obviously she'll need to bring her own.

justbatteringon · 14/01/2015 18:00

I think you should pay for the cake let it go on this occasion, but sit down with your sister and have a serious discussion with her about her partner and the way he spends their money and how this will effect their child and their household.

It's not healthy for children to grow up around alcoholism.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:01

Yes £50 is a lot. I know. We have spoilt dd this year as I've returned to work and can't make and I've she cake to save my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:02

My sister would be A) devastated if I brought up VERY NICELY about their financial situation and B) very angry and come up with lots of excuses for her dh.
Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:03

that should read *an Ice she cake to save my life

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 18:03

What other food were you thinking of?

If a "traditional" kids party, surely she can afford a loaf of bread, some fillings & some jelly & ice cream for example.

When your daughter is at school, she might want separate parties anyway, so i'm not sure that it's viable longterm to keep subsidising her re parties.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:03

Fucking autocorrect.
You know why I mean Blush

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 14/01/2015 18:05

If you can afford to spend waste £50 on a cake aDC will be too young to remember you cam afford to cut your sister some slack.

If she is married to an alcoholic maybe you should be offering her some support rather than judging/blaming her?

Quitelikely · 14/01/2015 18:06

Well IMO you are all enabling his behaviour!

Stop doing that and your sister will be forced to face up to reality.

BackforGood · 14/01/2015 18:07

YABU to ask for half.
No way would I spend 50 on a cake - if you choose to do so, then you are doing so anyway, that's not her decision.

I might, however, ask her in December, what she wants to do about birthdays for January 2016, and then you can plan what you are doing according to the one with the lower budget, if you want to do it together, or you can deide to each do your own thing, but you can't really charge someone 25 for half a cake that most people would see as an OTT expense as she didn't choose to use that kind of money.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/01/2015 18:07

Why don't you 'give' the party to her child instead of a gift? Obviously it will cost a lot more than you would have spent but as long as you don't spend more due to her child and guests that could work.
Or work put how much extra her child will add to the budget and ask your sis to contribute that, making half the cake your present to the child.

Littlef00t · 14/01/2015 18:09

Doesnt sound like any cash would be forthcoming, but I'd perhaps ask for £x as a donation to the food and cake, and provide everything.

I can see you paying for joint parties for the rest of time btw.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/01/2015 18:09

If this were my sister and nephew I wouldn't think twice about swallowing the costs. They have t actually increased for you and you say your sister is skint.
Do you normally get on and help each other out as a family? If so, I wouldn't say anything.

BMW6 · 14/01/2015 18:10

Sit down with her to work out what food and drinks will be provided at the party - then split 50/50 on all the food EXCEPT the cake (as you were getting it anyway before it became a joint party).

I think that way she won't be able to put upon you (hopefully)......

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:10

I cut my sister sooooooooo much slack. Honestly. Don't even get me started.
I'm not judging her at all, and yes half is too much but a contribution to HER child's birthday party &a cake would be nice.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 14/01/2015 18:11

I wouldn't do the joint party.

Sounds like it could end in tears, hurt feelings and resentment.