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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 14/01/2015 19:39

"There's no reason why the Op can't treat her dd to a nice cake if she wants to"

Yes of course she can. It's her money, she was happy to spend it regardless and good luck to her with the party.

But that doesn't make it reasonable to expect her sister to pay half without any prior consultation of choosing such an expensive cake.

I actually think the "D"H's alcoholism is a bit of a red herring here. Comparing this to my own family (where joint parties are common), nobody would expect family members to hand over a large amount of cash if they'd gone completely bloody mental decided to splash out on something above the usual expected family tea party budget.

To me it would be like turning up to Sunday dinner at the MIL's with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot instead of the usual Blossom Hill and asking them for money towards it.

Asking her to provide half the party food is perfectly fine tho.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 19:39

If I were in your shoes, I think I would show my sister DD's cake in advance (text her a photo if you can't actually show her) and that you're really excited about it and seeing DD's face on the day and ask your sister what cake she's got/getting for her son? Might that shock her into getting one for her son so she isn't shown up on the day?

Hopefully-she'll get him one (and some of the shop bought ones are great). If she does actually turns up without one, you'll have to make it for both of them, but don't make that clear in advance. Then on the day, you can say to your sister 'well, Is suppose there's no alternative; they'll have to share DD's cake today, but please don't do this to me again'. Then her son is none the wiser, but she knows exactly how you feel about it.

It really isn't your responsibility to fund a joint party every year and no, your DD shouldn't have to have a cheap cake if you don't want her to.

aprilanne · 14/01/2015 19:41

just let them share both children will love it and
your sister will appreciate who loves her when she wakens up to her hubby

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:41

I messaged her saying I've got a cake, would she like to bring another or share. But she hasn't replied. I didn't mention about money though, I feel bad but think she's probably not replied because she's thinking about if she can afford it, but she might just be busy.
I'm sure she and my nephew will make rice cakes, my sister isn't a great baker. Although she does still have our cake tin she borrowed past year for her ds's cake because she couldn't afford to buy one. (Yes I'm being petty) Grin

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 19:44

Your sister sounds like she has a horrible life Sad A cheating, alcoholic, drug taking husband instead of the happy family that you have. I can't imagine what it must be like for your nephew to be growing up in that household.

She doesn't sound like a bad person - weak perhaps, but not bad.

I can understand why this is bugging you but I don't think the time to tackle these issues is when it comes to a child's birthday celebration. Leave that for another day.

Ask her to provide some sandwiches, snacks, jelly etc. as has been suggested. Hopefully she will be able to find enough cash to do this.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:44

Okay- I bought the cake BEFORE my sister asked to do a joint party.
By then it had been paid for, I gathered my sister couldn't afford a party. What am I meant to say? Sorry, no joint party- the cake I've ordered is way out your budget and you can afford to pay for half?
I'm actually being generous here, promise.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 19:44

Why didn't you mention her bringing some food?

diddl · 14/01/2015 19:45

How many extra guests does it being a joint party mean for you?

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:46

I was planning on asking about the food when she replied

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/01/2015 19:46

It does all sound a little petty now to be honest....I can understand you feeling a little annoyed but two cakes seems a bit daft especially after the "nephew will love that" comment....

Maybe let this year go but don't kind of set the precedent for future parties.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 19:47

Sadly, I think if you don't say anything-you'll be in the same frustrated situation next year and she'll just expect you to host and pay for a joint party and also fork out for an expensive cake :(

Onceuponatimetherewas · 14/01/2015 19:49

YABU - a normal party cake from Tesco's costs £10. If you want to be petty, ask her to contribute £5 towards the cake, on the assumption that she would have bought a normal cake. And to contribute half the food (not half of the cost of the expensive food that you want to buy, unless that is agreed in advance). Much nicer not to be petty - lovely special cake is your treat, she buys half the food, preferably agreeing with her what she will buy and what you will buy, and not expecting her to buy really expensive stuff.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 19:49

I was planning on asking about the food when she replied

Fair enough. I hope she at least offers to bring sandwiches (surely she can make those?), make drinks and clear away afterwards-do you think she will?

I just don't think it's fair for you to have to fork out for everything for this when their household earns the same (or was it more?) than yours.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/01/2015 19:52

I think I would go with it this year but speak to her after the party about how you're feeling. The cake is a bit of a red herring- yes other posters going on about it being too expensive is irrelevant and annoying but I think you know you can't ask her for half when you know how skint she is. Yet it would be really annoying for your DD to share after you've picked it especially. Hopefully she might want her son to have his own cake and get a cheap one. But you def need to speak to her in person about this and your concerns for her. She sounds in a desperate situation.

Tinkerball · 14/01/2015 19:54

Do you normally get on and help each other out as a family? If so, I wouldn't say anything

Did you miss the posts Kitchen with OP explaining she always bails her sister out financially, along with the rest of the family?

OP nothing is going to change - you and your family will never change anymore than your sister will. She plays you all and you keep enabling them. Im not being harsh but you are doing more harm, in the guise of thinking you are helping, in the long run than good. But its your choice, carry on and continue to feel your resentment increasing - or have a talk with her, thats a start.

And as for the posters saying OP is unreasonable for spending £50 on a cake she didnt ask about that! £50 for a personal cake is average, I make cakes as a hobby and generally only charge people the cost of ingredients, which for a basic 2 tier cake decorated in something personal, including cake board and box can be £30-£40.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2015 19:56

Just say no to sharing the party if you feel hard done by. It is annoying when people always try to get a subsidy. Tell her no.

Tinkerball · 14/01/2015 19:56

YABU - a normal party cake from Tesco's costs £10

A prime example Hmm

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:00

once if I wanted to be petty I would have told her I'm not sharing my child's birthday party at all.
I've already said several times I'm not going to ask her to pay half.
I wasn't petty when I gave her partner my brand new bike for free to travel to work, looked after her kids when her dad took them down the pub when my sister was at work, when i looked after her kids when she went away with work because their father wouldn't , when I gave her a pair of brand new straighteners, clothes, nice makeup, shoes, coats etc because she never has any money for herself.
I love her dearly but I'm sick of forking out effectively for her husbands mistakes and I wouldn't. Have ordered the cake if I had known she wanted a joint party.
Mumsnet always has a way of making me feel like a terrible person :L

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 20:00

OP, from what you've said, it does seem about time a stand was taken within the family to stop enabling this disfunctional set up to continue. That by constaintly taking away the harshest concquences of your BILs behaviour, you are allowing your BIL to get away with it and your DSis to lie to herself it's not actually that bad, when if she left him and had maintenance, she might well have a much better life, and more importantly DN would have a much better life.

However - your DN's 3rd birthday is not the time to make the stand. Accept you are paying for the party as if it was just your DD's and gifting a nice party to your DN who otherwise wouldn't get it. Then agree that this is it, no more lending money, stuff, no more papering over the cracks to stop your Dsis from having to face what her life is really like.

But do that after the party, give your DN a nice day and hopefully your dsis will realise by next year this can't go on...

Only1scoop · 14/01/2015 20:02

Ok Op this is about far more than a joint party cake.

Let the party go and then next time something crops up make a stand. Don't become a Martyr.

Floggingmolly · 14/01/2015 20:03

He's 6, and he isn't having any friends of his own at "his" party?? Sad. It won't actually make any difference to anyone but him to call it a joint party, surely? Your 2 year old won't have a clue; and he isn't bringing any guests...
If this is the best his parents can do for him, let him share the cake, poor little sod.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/01/2015 20:04

I would still talk to her after. You can't stop the rest of the family helping her but you can offer her support & maybe some tough love x

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:05

I will just accept it and enjoy watching my nephew enjoy his special day alongside his cousin and other family.
I will enjoy seeing him enjoy it.
I won't however enjoy watching his father float around my house, drinking cider, smoking, eating all the food he hasn't payed for and lap up all the family fun.
Hey ho.
I have stopped helping my sister out a fair bit but my mum and other sister haven't, they aren't strong enough and don't want the kids to suffer. My mum has just bought BIL a new car as he wrote his off, with money I have my mum because she was broke herself Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:07

flogging he may well have his own friends come too, I said he's more than welcome

OP posts:
NancyRaygun · 14/01/2015 20:07

You had already ordered the cake right? So, you are no worse off and you can share the cake. I think it would be mean not to and would negate all the obviously caring things you do for her.

I would definitely say that she must contribute to the rest - stuff like "you do the games" is perfect as it is essentially free (apart from prizes) and she'll know you expect her to be 'present' at this party and not just palming her son off.

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