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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 14/01/2015 20:09

MaryW is right on this one, OP, let the party go, make it nice for the kids, but some time soon sit your sis down and have a proper chat about how the family will always support her but that you are all fed up with enabling her husband to be a tosser.

TracyBarlow · 14/01/2015 20:09

Look, the cake is already ordered and if you think she can't afford it then I wouldn't push the issue.

What I would do, is draw up list of party food with about 20 items on it ie plae of ham sandwiches, breadsticks, jelly etc then ask her to pick which 10 she is bringing. I think that would be fair enough and realistically it's only going to cost her about £20 max. That's reasonable for a child's birthday party.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2015 20:10

Didn't realise he was 6 ....thought he was another tiny.

TracyBarlow · 14/01/2015 20:10

Oh, and if he's a drinker, I'd also ask her which of the booze she wants to bring.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 20:12

Do you have a 6 year old or is your DD your eldest?

I would say that you probably can't just let your nephew invite friends and expect the party to run smoothly with no planning!

You'll need games/space for them/things for them to do/loads of food and they'll want big bits of (your DD's) cake to eat, then take home and also party bags! They will also largely dominate the party as more than one 6 year old can be quite loud (I have one right now-I speak from experience). If you've got older kids, then ignore all that because you know if already :)

I presume your sister will organise all this though?

diddl · 14/01/2015 20:12

Oh that is just disgusting!
You have effectively bought your BIL a carShock
That is things getting majorly out of hand.
I suppose he has to be there?
Will the food be for adults also or can you tell him to stop being a pig as it's for the kids?

buddhasbelly · 14/01/2015 20:13

I've tried to see if someone else has pointed this out, so sorry if i've missed this but when people have suggested the "I've got the cake, can you sort the rest of the food?" I'd be a bit weary about doing this 1) she may have issues in affording this and yes responsibility should be with the parent to do this however would you want the 2 dc and their friends having little food and/or other parents commenting that there wasn't much of a spread (I get it's children's birthday party we're talking about here! 2) If she didn't get much and/or not stuff you would want, is it either going to mean you're doing a last minute dash to the shops for more (thus showing her up) or you getting miffed about that on top of the ice age cake.

buddhasbelly · 14/01/2015 20:15

and yes to TracyBarlow get a list sorted between yourselves that you can both agree on if that's the route you go down

PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:17

I'm sorry but you BIL wouldn't be entering my house if that is how he behaves and I'm not sure I would be welcoming your sister either. Why do you even still talk to these people?

Do not give your mother any more money. In fact if I was you I would be asking her for the money you lent her back she obviously didn't need it. Are you the family mug or doormat?

MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 20:17

oh didn't realise the DN was 6. That's so sad, no friends at 'his party'.

Let this go, then speak to your mum and other sister. You might have to sit down sister in question and tell her it stops.

PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:19

Of course DN can't have friends at the party. It's not his party he is just tagging along to his cousins because his parents can't be arsed to do a party for him.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:19

I have 1 dd who is 2. And I think my nephew will bring his 2 closest friends- I just assumed it would be the 2 he sees all the time. Don't think my sister would rock up at my house with an army of kids....I hope Confused

OP posts:
PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:20

Why is he bringing friends to a family party?

FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 20:20

I feel there is possibly some displaced anger going on. It's your BIL that is the cheating, alcoholic waste of space not your sister. She just has the misfortune of being in love with him.

Domestic abuse is about more than getting a black eye from your partner. It's about emotional and financial control, making you feel isolated and worthless. I think we all appreciate how hard it is for victims of domestic abuse to leave their partners even though it's incredibly frustrating for us to see. I think perhaps your sister falls into this category and just can't imagine how she can change her miserable life so just accepts it's her lot in life. Would she agree to talk to someone from Women's Refuge or a similar organisation? Family intervention rarely works as they have too much emotional investment in the situation.

It doesn't sound to me like your sister is deliberately taking advantage of you, she just wants a decent party for her son but cannot provide it herself.

I hope the party goes well, and I hope your sister finds the strength to leave him and make a better life for her and your DN. In the meantime your sister and mother will continue to support her in any way they can - financially or otherwise - because that's what families do for each other.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:22

diddl I will probably do some adult food, a quiche or something with salad and breads. It's usually what we do for birthdays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:24

He's bringing friends because I think my dd will have her 2 toddler friends round and I want him to feel like he's having a joint party rather than...tagging along to his cousins

OP posts:
PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:25

Why?

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:26

powder I don't think I'm a doormat, in fact everyone thinks I'm a stroppy cow but I tend to bend over backwards for those I love even if I do come across as blunt etc.
I just wanted to help mum out as she wasn't eating properly and I hated seeing it. She will go with out to give her children things, always has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:27

Why what?
Because it's his birthday party too, because I love him and want him to feel special, because it's not his fault his dads a prat, because I'm ...a nice person who just spends too much money on cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:28

My sisters too stubborn to help. If I mentioned woman's helplines etc think she would slap me.

OP posts:
PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:29

A stroppy cow wouldn't give money to her mother and then sit by why this was handed over to a useless layabout.
A stroppy cow wouldn't enable your sister and BIL's lifestyle.
You are.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:30

Well that's not what everyone else sees. The good stuff tends to go unnoticed :L

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 14/01/2015 20:32

Did the OP say the bil overindulged in drink and drugs ?
To the detriment of his wife and dc.
And your mother gave him a new car. There's more than a £50 birthday cake involved so.
Jesus wept.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/01/2015 20:32

I did tinkerbell Blush but Kab clarified again for me.

PowderMum · 14/01/2015 20:33

So why all the hand wringing on here, you obviously had every intention of funding the whole birthday party. Did you just want to justify spending £50 on a cake?

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