To ask my sister to pay half?

[Kab13]

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

roll well presumably she will split the figures up, and will probably end up doing that anyway rather than see her nephew without one and her DD having all three. I sense that the OP wouldnt do that to a small child, neither would I but I am a soft touch too.

I certainly wouldnt be serving a drop of booze though, seeing him having to drink a cup of tea instead of swilling a can cider I had paid for would make me feel better. If he bought some then I would assume it was a gift "Oh thank you, how kind! Would you like tea or coffee?"

Kab, I was in much the same situation as your DSis; I was married to an alcoholic, who drank all my wages (he rarely worked), and nearly everything we had was handed down from family. I stayed with him mostly because I loved him - or at least I loved the person he was before he became addicted - but also because everyone seemed to be so supportive of him, so I thought I was the odd one out thinking he was being an abusive twat. Turns out my family and friends thought they were being supportive to me by not criticising him - and perhaps in my addled state, thinking I was responsible for his drinking, I would have agreed with them.

If we'd talked to each other honestly, I think I would have been rid of him much earlier, and he wouldn't have been able to blight my DC's lives to the extent he did. I know that having that conversation is hard, and I agree that she'll possibly bite your head off, but that's because she no doubt blames herself for his drinking, and for all the problems it causes to her, your DN and the wider family. By all means stop the financial support - buying him a car is beyond ridiculous - but try to make sure that she has the emotional support she needs to see that she can get out of this situation.

And also - if you want to spend £50 on a cake, fair play to you. Your child, your money, your decision.

I understand about you not wanting to hurt your Nephew, but what would have happened if you had said no ...?

You know she can't afford £25 for a cake, you chose the theme and you had already ordered it. I think in the circumstances you should definitely pay for it.
As for the rest, as its a joint party then you should discuss and agree who will provide what and not let her get away with token rice cakes.

Sounds like it's not really about the cake - more about the family dynamic.

I can only offer you this op.
I have an old friend who is constantly skint. She chose to be a sahm (she has professional quals) and her DH works for himself doing something where the money is erratic - but the DH has money for trips and gadgets.

I used to feel very sorry for her and the kids. I would take them out, pay for trips, lunch, dinner, cinema etc... It became expected. Not just by the DH, but by my friend.
I didn't notice this for a long time till it was pointed out to me. I gradually withdrew 'services'. Got wise to the hang dog looks/"oh are you having that x,y,z. Oh, I'll just get the kids poo wrapped in brown paper inferior whatever".

I used to feel guilty but not anymore. My friend has the power to change things for herself - but she chooses not to. She has others to prop her up and she has no problem using them. I suspect they feel how I used to - guilty and bad about the kids missing out.

You can choose to withdraw your services - doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd probably let the birthday party slide this year but make it the last thing that does slide.

Did I understand your first post correctly - your DM automatically assumed your DN would like the cake - as in you would be sharing? You can gently correct those kind of sharing/propping up assumptions as and when they arise.

Sorry thread has moved way beyond where I'd read up too.

Poor poor little boy . He is the real victim here, not your sister. I get so angry when mothers put their men before their own child's needs.

Please try and make this birthday special for this poor kid, maybe ask him to invite one or two friends so it's not too lord of the flies! Maybe ask to have his name iced on the cake along with your dd's? For example " happy birthday sophie and josh". After this party, no more helping her, unless she finds the courage to leave this loser.

I'm sorry, but I have very little sympathy for women that put men before their own flesh and blood.

Bogeyface I have just seen your reply to my post:

So blatantly showing the nephew that his cousin has a much nicer cake, on his birthday? Nice!

As I say I have been to loads of joint parties, always separate cakes, sometimes one is nicer than the other in my view. I have been to twins' parties (we know a lot of twins) where I have thought one twin's cake was much nicer but the kids don't care. IME the kids go to Tesco or ASDA and choose the cake THEY want and they are really excited about it. Homemade or not does not register on their radar.

Its not the poor childs fault he has as spineless mother and a feckless father. And I take it you didnt read where the OP said that the sister wouldnt have £10 to spend on a cake? Why no I didn't. But in that case, why the hell is the OP posting asking the question whether she is BU asking her sister to pay £25 as half of a £50 cake, if she knows she hasn't even got £10? Why even start a thread in the first place if you know your sister hasn't got the money full stop?

What a cruel and nasty thing to suggest. I honestly don't think so, and was genuinely surprised that you did! I don't think the DCs will notice for a second. It was just a suggestion that she get her sister to provide her own cake so she doesn't have to share hers and pointing out that I have never seen a shared cake at a joint birthday party. (Although in the interests of honesty I think one of the sets of twins might have had a joint one for the first time this year). I am pretty certain I have been to a joint party where one DC has had a homemade extravaganza of a cake and the other one has had a shop-ought one and no one has batted an eyelid.

As I say, if I had realised that the thread had moved on from "AIBU to want my sister to pay £25 towards the cost of a birthday cake she wants to share " and changed to "AIBU to resent that my totally penniless sister wants to get her poor child a birthday party by gate-crashing mine" then I would have given a slightly different answer, and I apologise for not noticing. But it is a peculiar drip-feed.

Arre you going to divide the Ice Age figures beyween the two children, OP?

balloon
""AIBU to resent that my totally penniless sister wants to get her poor child a birthday party by gate-crashing mine" then I would have given a slightly different answer, and I apologise for not noticing. But it is a peculiar drip-feed."
Tad harsh?
I'm not "drip feeding" and I don't resent my dear sister! Or my nephew! I resent having to cough up for her fathers selfish behaviour and IF MY BIL DIDNT DRINK CIDER FOR 1 5 days HE COULD CONTRIBUTE THE £25 FOR HIS SONS BIRTHDAY.
It's not about my sister being penniless, it's about me basically enabling him and asking if it would be unreasonable to ASK my sister of she could pay half or at least contribute to her sons birthday.
what a nasty selfish bitch I am

For 5 days.*
In fact I'm pretty sure he spends that in 2 days!

Rollon- it's inevitable that my nephew will go home with them. I don't really care if I'm honest, he's welcome to them.
It's just about seeing some sort of contribution from my sister and feel that I would want to contribute to a special cake for my dd.
but she hasn't got the money, so will probably end up with free kids party every year or my mum forking out.

Honestly OP, I would give up at this point. There are sharks starting to circle sensing blood. I would just hide the thread and let them fight amongst themselves. They feel they have the moral high ground and are perched on it looking down. am distracted by the picture of this mixed metaphor of sharks on the moral high ground looking down

lulu unfortunately I think you're right. It is very strange though

it's inevitable that my nephew will go home with them. I don't really care if I'm honest, he's welcome to them

Really? Maybe I am a bit of a bitch, but if I spent 30 quid on 3 figures for my DC's cake (because presumably I had chosen those figures as my DC was really into them and would love them), I would whisk them away after the cake cutting and give them to my DC later.

I would not be happy that someone else had taken all of them home with them (family or not).

Kab sorry that was not to have a pop at you, it was to counter what bogey said to me: "Its not the poor childs fault he has as spineless mother and a feckless father. And I take it you didnt read where the OP said that the sister wouldnt have £10 to spend on a cake?"

I was trying to say that I hadn't interpreted the thread as being trying to deny a poor wee child a birthday/cake party when I posted, probably because I hadn't[and still haven't] read all of it. I was reacting to what Bogey said you had said rather than what you had actually said, IYSWIM. I wasn't sneering at you, but I can see why it looked like that - I didn't think of how it would come across to you when I wrote it. Many apologies

Note to self: RTFT

Kab I think you sound lovely and this is obviously a very difficult situation for your whole family.

The cake sounds lovely I don't think in this situation you should ask for the money and I hope your dd and dn enjoy it

In the future I would just refuse to do joint parties/bail my sister out and make it clear it's because of her dh. She will bitch and whine and defend him but it might get through to her eventually if you don't back down. So rubbish you are being put in this situation

Just wanted to post in support of you OP. My sister's DH is the same. Earns a decent salary but refuses to stick to a budget that might restrict his partying. We don't subsidise as much as you as they put everything on maxed out credit cards, but they miss out on a lot. It's so hard seeing her so stressed about money.

With regard to the party I used to have joint parties with my sis and we always had our own cakes, and I would want that for my own child. I know it's a bit late for this year as you've given the option to share the cake but I in response to her wanting to do a joint party I would have said sure, DD is having an ice age cake, what will you get for DN?
Kids don't know how much cakes cost, and as long as his is different it can't really be compared like for like.
Sounds like you're stuck with it for this year but going forward, is sharing a party really going to be an option? I can see the 4 year age gap and their interests becoming more pronounced as they get older.
By all means I would help my sister and her kids out wherever possible but I wouldn't be happy compromising my DDs birthday. I would even consider getting DN his own cake, (although maybe not a £50 one)

So in answer to your question about asking her to pay half no I wouldn't because I would want DD to have her own cake. Hope you have a good day in the end.

I think TartinaTiara's post is illuminating and provides another perspective on your sister's position.

Your posts suggest that she is 100% in control of and happy with her position in this abusive relationship. Other posters seem to think the same:

In the end she has made a choice to stay with this abusive man.

Her husband is her own choice, it's not like she can't get out,

It's almost as though she deserves what she gets. In reality the dynamics in these relationships are far more complex and harder to break out of. Your sister may be trapped in a cycle of fear, obligation and guilt and not really be seeing the wood for the trees.

I used to feel guilty but not anymore. My friend has the power to change things for herself - but she chooses not to. She has others to prop her up and she has no problem using them. I suspect they feel how I used to - guilty and bad about the kids missing out.

You can choose to withdraw your services - doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd probably let the birthday party slide this year but make it the last thing that does slide.

+1.

OP, it's a tough one, sounds like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you say anything to your sister about bringing something, I'm guessing she will run to your mum, and you will be the 'bad guy', who wouldn't do everything for the party, and scuppered her plan to provide rice cakes. And your mother will end up doing stuff, instead.
Your sister is used to the 'poor me' role, and it sounds like everyone else has lost sight of the reason why she doesn't have stuff, apart from hand me downs etc. I would be very annoyed also at your mother handing money to your BIL, that you had given to her.

FWIW, I don't think you need to justify to anyone here or elsewhere, what you spent on your DD's cake. And I'd be removing the figures, at the cake cutting, and taking them home.

For this year, I'd let it be, ask her for sandwiches or something, maybe, but as the poster above described it, 'withdraw your services' after that.

She doesn't deserve it at all.
But am I and other family members really helping her situation by continually picking up his mess and fixing things for my sister?
I doubt it.
But her sons birthday isn't the right time to start putting my foot down so will just suck it up.
We've watched my sister in this rubbish relationship for 10 years now, there's no quick or easy fix. If she wants to be with him that is ultimately her choice.

No, there is no quick fix. Her relationship with the husband does sound toxic and you just need to visit the relationships board here to see the terrible dynamics at play in this type of relationship, in particular the difficulty women have in leaving men like this. It can take years.

Maybe you need to talk to the rest of your family about how you can better help your sister. Maybe that is cutting financial support so that you aren't providing a buffer between her and the consequences of her husband's awful behaviour.

I have read the thread and I think you are an amazing sister and aunt.

I do feel that on this occasion that you can't ask for cash for the cake itself as you already had it made (and I think it sounds amazing!!). I do however think you can ask for a contribution for the food.

As it is at your house are you going to allow alcohol? Is there any NEED for there to have alcohol there at a child's party? If you don't want your BIL drinking then as it is YOUR home - maybe you can stipulate that to your sister.

I also do NOT think your nephew should take home the figures. That is TOTALLY unfair on your daughter and she is now being affected by her Uncles drinking. However in this case you CAN do something about it to protect her and what is rightfully her's.

I do feel (hope) that by asking your sister for a contribution coupled with the no alcohol decision (which the BIL won't like) may trigger something in her to make her realise that she is letting her child down. Afterall it is not normal to HAVE to drink at a child's party and if he can't get through an afternoon with out it then that should really be ringing alarm bells for your sister.

It is a good starting point for a later conversation too.

Well you aren't helping her in the long run, but I can see how tempting it is to help, & especially where her kids are concerned.

The thing is, for as long as they are bailed out, the drinking/overspending isn't an issue for either of them.

(I think that you should keep the figures for your child)

It will be nicer for OP's sis if she does contribute to the party - by making food (doesn't have to be expensive), arranging games, etc. Will feel more like her DS's party then, not just latching on to another child's party. I would just approach her on the basis that this is a shared party, we do half of the work each, but I will throw in this lovely cake as a special treat for the whole family. I would probably let DN take one of the figurines - a bit nasty not to. And then after maybe a month I would have a proper chat with her, and explain that in future won't be bailing her out, as feel that she needs to sort out the problems with her DH. And I would not allow alcohol at the party - this suggests to sis's DH that having alcohol at this kind of children's party is totally normal, he is normal, etc.