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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
Notnaice · 14/01/2015 20:33

I'd talk to you dm about the money. I'd have to say "that money was to help you out. I wouldn't have given it to you if I'd known you would give it to bil. I feel a bit upset about it"
I'd be pretty upset about that.

I think it is nice you are helping your nephew to have a nice day.

FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 20:36

My sisters too stubborn to help. If I mentioned woman's helplines etc think she would slap me

What a shame Sad

I would suggest that after the party you tell her that you will no longer help her financially, give her gifts etc. but that you will be there for her emotionally.

You can't stop your Mum and sister continuing to enable the situation but you can take a step back yourself. It's obviously making you feel angry and will eventually poison your relationship with your sister. Remove yourself from that toxic cycle. As long as your DN doesn't suffer then the adults can be left to take care of themselves.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

BTW I'd fecking love an Ice Age cake for my birthday (and I'm 50!). Good choice OP Grin

Mummy1106 · 14/01/2015 20:37

No, you are not being unreasonable but it sounds like you are in a loose/loose situation. I really feel for you. Some posts are so unsympathetic, lots of anger around.
Enjoy the party, take the cake and bite your lip but I wouldnt agree on joint birthday again. X

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 20:38

Yes I was feeling just so guilty about spending my own £50 of hard earned cash on a cake. So I consulted mumsnet on aibu because I assumed everyone on here would tell me how reasonable that was and not to feel bad. Yes , that's why I posted.
Thanks powder for getting to the bottom of my subconscious need for approval on how much to spend on a cake.
No, I wasn't planning on paying for it all, but obviously I'm taking what people are saying on board and realise £25 is too much for my sister, I'm taking the advise :)

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 14/01/2015 21:03

I feel sorry for you, your damned if you do, damned if you don't. I personally don't think the cake is that expensive, it's not about the cost of it it's the fact she wants to share it but isn't willing to pay for it. It's obvious your sister only asked for a joint party because she can't afford it and knows you will have nice stuff - that in itself is quite sad HOWEVER for me this would be the straw that broke the camels back.

You and your family need to stop enabling this behaviour - she needs to take responsibility for her own life and her own children and what she does with them. If she's skint then that's it, if her kids go without thats sad but it's her fault not yours - don't let anyone try and guilt you into thinking it's your fault. I get the feeling it wouldnt be half as bad if she recognised the situation she was in and was trying to do something about it but it doesn't sound like she is.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 21:09

It sounds like she just assumes you'll all sort it for her.

It sounds like she needs to wake up and see the impact her DH is having on her and her child so you all need to take a step back. Difficult, I know but you're making it worse for her in the long run.

Will she get her son a present?

What has she done about his previous parties?

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 21:11

she will definitely get him a present.
She's thrown a party at a local hall last year but all the other years my mum has done it because she's been living with her

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 21:14

Ok. Has she been living with with your mum and her DH and her DS for years but now isn't? Or did her DH live separately?

Does he manage to hold down a decent job despite being an alcoholic?

hollyisalovelyname · 14/01/2015 21:15

Kab please don't feel bad.
You sound really nice, just put into a lousy position by your dsis.
You are entitled to spend your hard earned money on a custom made cake for your dd.
Those posters giving you grief should remember that a baker of custom made cakes has to ensure they price their work to include ingredients, their time and labour costs.
It sounds lovely.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 21:19

rollon she has been sort of living with mum with dh and dds on and off for the past 10 years. Basically since she met her dh. They move out, can't afford it and move back but have got a council house now.
Her dh holds down a good job, yes. He earns well above minimum wage, he earns more than my dh who works for a private bank earning good money. We pay out far more than they do monthly and still seem to be better off somehow despite earning less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 21:20

holly thank you Flowers

OP posts:
hanban89 · 14/01/2015 21:28

I think since the cake was already ordered I would let that one go, but discuss the rest of the party prep and go half on everything else. Since she wanted a joint party, it's really not fair for her to expect you to do the rest of the snacks etc. it adds up when you start buying balloons and kids napkins!

Nibledbyducks · 14/01/2015 21:42

Why not ask BIL what he will be bringing to his son and neice's party? why is it all up to your sister to sort it? I would be a texting him too!

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 21:50

We pay out far more than they do monthly and still seem to be better off somehow despite earning less.

Drug habits are expensive :(

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 21:52

Those posters giving you grief should remember that a baker of custom made cakes has to ensure they price their work to include ingredients, their time and labour costs.

YY to this. If the OP had come on saying "I want a custom cake for my DD but the baker says it will cost £50! AIBU to expect her to be able to make for at least half that, its only eggs flour and sugar after all?!" she would have been flambéd!

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 21:53

flambéed even!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 14/01/2015 21:54

As lsong as the family help your sister they are encouraging this behaviour/situation to continue. Your sister needs to address the problems with her husband.

Have the party, pay for the cake and then call time on financial help to her.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 22:02

bogeyface the baker said the ice age figures cost her £10 each!!! So it's technically £20 for the cake, labour and ingredients and dd gets £30 worth of ice age toys to keep Grin
Tried to find them online for cakes myself but couldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 22:04

£30 on ice age figures... What a waste of money

OP posts:
rockybalboa · 14/01/2015 22:09

Just tell her it cost £50 and can she let you have £25 for her half. Then she can decide whether to pay up or get her own. With the rest of the food make a list and split it so you buy half each.

sliceofsoup · 14/01/2015 22:11

The more you post OP the clearer it becomes that you are not having a "joint" birthday party. Your sister is gatecrashing your DDs party because she cannot and will not do what she needs to do to give her son a party.

I thought he was a similar age to your DD. But hes 6. 6!!!! My eldest is 6 in two weeks and there is no way she would be ok with sharing a cake with a 2 year old cousin. at that cousins house. My 6 year old would absolutely pick up on it if DH and I walked in empty handed.

I feel very sorry for your nephew, your DD and you.

And just an aside, locally to me there are loads of cake decorators who are all doing a roaring trade. I decorate cakes for family and people are constantly telling me to do it for profit, but I simply would not be able to compete with the amount of others out there. But as they all seem to be doing so well, I really don't think that buying a handmade cake at £50 is unusual or crazy at all. In fact, round here it seems to be The Thing To Do.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 22:11

But why would you think of charging your sister half the price when £30 of it was figures your DD will get to keep?!

SaucyJack · 14/01/2015 22:12

Couldn't you have stuck some of the free Maccy D's toys on top of a Tesco Value sponge?

Sorry if we've been picking on you OP. It's not that awful. I only cried for, like, two minutes max at the thought of a 50 quid birthday cake Wink

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 14/01/2015 22:20

Spend what you like on cake, £50 sounds about right for what you've ordered. Generic personalised cakes are around £40 in M&S.

If your dsis knew how much the cake was before she asked for a joint party, I think it's totally ok to ask for half the money and to split the cost of the food. I probably wouldn't serve booze at a toddlers party but if you do then they should at least bring what they drink ( they should buy half).

I say this because I have that type of relationship with my siblings. One of my siblings is tight but I'd still ask. Wink

Tricky situation and not one that is easily solved, especially during a party. It sounds like your are bending over backwards for your dsis and dn. I'm sure your dn will appreciate it. Thanks

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 14/01/2015 22:24

I agree slice. DC don't need to have a party every year. A joint party in my family would mean the work and cost would be split. That the OP was spending the money, time and effort is hardly the point. Dsis is taking advantage.

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