Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 14/01/2015 18:40

Just give her s list of stuff to bring and stress that you are going halves with party food etc. stop enabling her dick if a dh, and her.

mamadoc · 14/01/2015 18:45

I get why you are pissed off but this is not the one to take a stand over.

It's your Dnephew's birthday. It won't upset your DD at 2 years old to share in fact it will probably be nicer. It's not costing you any extra to do a really nice thing for him if not for your sister.

I would suck this one up and then afterwards have a think about where you want to draw the line on bailing her out.

In the end she has made a choice to stay with this abusive man. You want to be there for her if she ever feels she can leave him but show that you are not supporting his actions and not prepared to always be baling them out of the consequences.

Hard to walk that line with children involved though. I would not be able to see them suffer for their parents actions if I could help.

orangepudding · 14/01/2015 18:46

I would forget about the cake as your sister your sister had no say in choosing it or setting a price limit. I would however ask her to supply either the food or drinks and you will supply the other. I suspect however other family members will supply whatever she's supposed to bring!

diddl · 14/01/2015 18:49

" I suspect however other family members will supply whatever she's supposed to bring!"

Well if OP is hosting so that her nephew gets a party, there's no reason other relatives shouldn't also chip in, I guess.

i agree that chalking this one up to it being for the nephew is the way to go.

mikado1 · 14/01/2015 18:51

YABU spending 50 on a cake!!!!!!

YANBU expecting sis to contribute to party-ask her to pick up a few bits-give a list if necessary.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/01/2015 18:53

Can you ask her to make some biscuits or something so at least she's contributing something to the party?
I agree with Back - next year ask her in advance what she wants to do for birthdays. If it's going to cause grief and you all seem close then maybe this year you could let it slide?
Her husband sounds like really hard work Sad

QTPie · 14/01/2015 19:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:05

I presume they will blow candles out together. we usually end up lighting the candles about 6 times so all the kids have a go at blowing them out for some reason!
My nephew will be 6, so he's older anyway but I don't think he would mind. Bless him Sad

OP posts:
VivienneRuns · 14/01/2015 19:07

Her husband is her own choice, it's not like she can't get out, there's no incentive for her to while everybody in the family enables her indulgement of him. If there was nobody to sponge off and she had to live with the financial consequences of his irresponsible behaviour she would have left him already. Some people need to hit the bottom before sense kicks in.

I don't think Yabu although it's not your nephews fault he has such idiotic parents.

diddl · 14/01/2015 19:09

If your nephew is four years older, how such longer will he want a party with his younger cousin and family as opposed to a party with friends?

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:12

Diddl- he had his own last year and enjoyed it. I can only imagine they can't afford it this year.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 19:13

If your nephew is four years older, how such longer will he want a party with his younger cousin and family as opposed to a party with friends?

As long as he knows that it is the only party he is likely to get I suspect :(

Still, as long as his dad gets to party with his booze and cocaine, I suppose thats all that matters. Angry

Cabrinha · 14/01/2015 19:15

I think it's fair to ask her to go halves on everything EXCEPT the cake. You can't expect that when it's a really expensive cake that she had no choice about.

XiCi · 14/01/2015 19:15

FFS, why is everyone so hung up on the price of the cake, the OP didn't ask whether she was Bu for spending £50 on a cake.
As another poster said £50 is a pretty standard price for a hand decorated cake. Fair enough if you just want to buy one for a tenner from tesco but it no way compares to a home made, professionally decorated cake in a theme that your dd/ds loves. There's no reason why the Op can't treat her dd to a nice cake if she wants to

diddl · 14/01/2015 19:19

So if they did it last year, who paid and what has changed so that they can't this year I wonder?
Well it might just be a one off then.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:21

My sister was living at my mums house with her dh and the kids last year. They weren't paying much rent so had more money I assume.

OP posts:
kwerty · 14/01/2015 19:24

I would share the cake, but tell her that in order not to duplicate food, she should make some sandwiches and provide crisps, satsumas and a bottle of squash - and her famous crispy cakes of course!

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 19:25

There's no reason why the Op can't treat her dd to a nice cake if she wants to

Fine, but her whole post was a 'I don't know what to do about the price of the cake'.

People are getting 'hung up' on that as it's what the OP is taking about!

dustarr73 · 14/01/2015 19:27

If she wants to have a joint party she has to part with some readies.Its not the ops problem if the sister wont put her own child first.
Dont be guilt tripping the op,so she bought a £50 cake that doesnt give the sister carte blanche to keep taking without a thought to anyone but her husband.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:27

I don't remember asking If I was being unreasonable spending £50 on a cake.
People think iabu to ask for my sister to pay for half of a stupidly over priced, waste of money cake
So guess that's why they feel the need to say £50 is too much/asking for £25 is too much

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 19:30

Also if my sister (as lovely as she is) wand a joint party every year does this mean my dd has to have a cheap cake (plenty of children do have cheap cakes I'm not saying it's a horrendous thing to subject your child to) because my sister can't pay for half of a homemade Disney/Pixar cake?
If my sister brings her ds his own cake this year should I hide her ice age cake in the cupboard and get a £12 tesco one so my nephew doesn't feel left out?
genuine concern.
They either share the ice age cake or they both have a cheap one I couldn't do that to my nephew

OP posts:
Mouldypineapple · 14/01/2015 19:34

Have you actually had any sort of conversation with your sister about this? What are her thoughts?

I wouldn't ask her to share cake costs as it is a very expensive one. However there can be no real reason for her not to provide some cheaper items as others have said. Sandwiches, crisps, choc fingers. Even if her budget is £5-10 she should be able to get quite a lot for that really.

dustarr73 · 14/01/2015 19:34

Id let the party go this year but from next year no way.And dont hide the ice cake it mightnt be fair on your nephew but you have to think of your own child in all this.

Mouldypineapple · 14/01/2015 19:35

You nephew might like to make some cakes too, that is cheap and fun, make him more involved. Perhaps him and his Mum could plan some games too.
Are there many children or is it mostly adults?

PowderMum · 14/01/2015 19:37

I think you need to get over what you can't do to your nephew and take a stand against your sister, or the whole family can sit by and let her walk all over you by saying she has no money. It is just an excuse to get you to oay for everything, can't you see you are being taken for mugs.
If there is money coming into the house then there is money for the birthday party. If as a family they chose not to spend it on your nephew yes it is hard but maybe this is what needs to happen. They need to be seen in a bad light. Your family need to say no to your sister and stop pampering her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread