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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my sister to pay half?

224 replies

Kab13 · 14/01/2015 17:31

My dd turns 2 in feb so me and dh ordered her a ice age cake to be made for her (we tried to make our own last year and it was a disaster !) since ordering the cake my sister has asked if we can do a joint birthday party for my dd and her ds as they are only 3 days apart, I am up for this and seems to make sense.
But now as petty as it may sound I don't know what to do about the cake, is cost us £50 Blush and when I mentioned what cake we had got my dm said "oh, my nephew will love that".
Maybe I'm being really unfair but I know my sister, she will bring some chocolate rice cakes with her and nothing else. She is broke a lot because her dh drinks like a fish and spends there money on all sorts of rubbish so I'm happy to provide most the food but the cake as well.
Should I just cough up, I know she won't have the money and I wouldn't have ordered the cake if I knew we would be doing a joint party as I know she can't afford it.
I sort of assumed she would bring another for her ds but it seems pointless in a way as there will only be family there and the cake we ordered is more than enough.
I feel petty writing this but everyone always gives my sister (as lovely as she is) everything for free as her stupid dh just pisses there money up the wall!
I guess id have to pay for the cake and good anyway if we did a party just for dd but I thought that's why joint birthdays were convenient as they cost half the price and people don't have to go to two kids parties in one week...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:11

I could give the cake as a present- but I can't help but my nephew would be a bit disappointed on half a cake he would've got in the first place as a present.
Maybe I'm wrong though/ I see your point.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 18:14

"If you can afford to spend waste £50 on a cake aDC will be too young to remember you cam afford to cut your sister some slack."

That's not the point at all, is it?

The husband's spending all the money on drink will never be addressed when they are constantly being bailed out!

Perhaps OP you should have said no to the joint party, & when your sister realised that a party couldn't be afforded it might have knocked some sense into her!

YonicSleighdriver · 14/01/2015 18:14

What do you think she'd've got if it wasn't joint? A £10 one from Tesco? Probably.

If she has more time than you, then her making sandwiches, making up jugs of squash etc might be a fair contribution.

rollonthesummer · 14/01/2015 18:14

Forget about the cake-that was a very expensive choice of yours.

Concentrate on the food and making sure you don't get into the habit of funding a joint party for both of them forevermore!

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:15

notthekitchen we are the type of family to help each other out a lot- well if I'm totally honest the whole family help my sister out a lot we rarely get much back but she has no time or money to do so thanks to her total wanker of a husband.

OP posts:
Lunastarfish · 14/01/2015 18:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable but asking for money just isn't worth the Hassel you'll get. She'll just say you were ordering it anyway. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you've bought the cake, what is she bringing?

HappyAgainOneDay · 14/01/2015 18:18

This episode apart, why does the family (and perhaps friends) always bail them out, give them things, pay for things when the husband / partner spends all their money on drink or otherwise on himself? That is enabling things to continue.

The OP's sister has learned to rely on others and not have to pay them back. What will this teach their children?

As for this coming party, I would ask the sister if she could bring a, b, c and d. I wouldn't ask her to bring 'something' because it would amount to not enough.

Original poster
Kab13 · 14/01/2015 18:18

diddl my sister will never realise her issues come from her dhs selfishness.
She will never leave him.
She had children with him after her cheated on her, had a baby with another woman, hid the fact he had got another woman pregnant and spent the rest of their relationship at the pub and taking coke...
I wish I could make her see but don't want to push her away, she's also very stubborn and will push her towards him and away from her family if we mention the slightest negative thing about him

OP posts:
aprilanne · 14/01/2015 18:18

her husband is an idiot .not her fault and to be honest if i was getting the cake and food anyway what diffrence does it make its just family coming ..being a loving sister is more important that the price of a party .well in my opinion

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/01/2015 18:19

You could just go for very gendered parties from next year - glittery pink princess cake, etc. They might not be as keen to share then?

sykadelic · 14/01/2015 18:23

If absolutely everyone there would have attended anyway you're not really out any money but I do totally get being pissed off that she shares in the "glory" (for want of a better word)... The only thing making it "joint" though would be people knowing to bring presents for her DS as well.

However, if her husbands family are coming, or any friends, then that would be different and she definitely needs to share the costs. I'd be wary of not asking her to pay because the excuse "I don't want her DS to be disappointed" may mean you'll end up doing joint parties every year.

I would tell her that you don't want to set a precedent of sharing parties, different identities and all that, so don't think it's a good idea to share the party, but perhaps you could share the weekend, or the day. Morning at her's, arvo at his, or Saturday at yours, Sunday at hers. Depending on whether family members need to travel/stay the night.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/01/2015 18:24

I' m with the HugeManatee poster.
You and your family are enabling a man who wastes family money on drink to the point where his little boy won't have a birthday cake.
Your sister needs to grow a pair and you need to tell her ( and your mum) but best not to do it before the party fir the little boy's sake.
Stop being enablers.
I'm sorry that sounds harsh but your sister can't keep putting her hand out. It's not fair on you.

DraggingDownDownDown · 14/01/2015 18:24

well - maybe your sister will have a "wake up call" moment if you don't subsidise her for this party as it will be her letting her own child down by sticking with the father.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/01/2015 18:25

Host a nice party and shame your BIL into hosting next years joint party by getting the family make lots of jokey comments?

Seriously - birthday parties come with lots of clearing up and hassle. If your sister doesn't pull her weight with that then I'd leave it as a one off and make your excuses next year citing lots of nursery friends or similar.

Poor stupid woman. She needs her head read and he needs a kick in the backside.

XiCi · 14/01/2015 18:26

Agree with everything aprilanne said.
The cake is a non issue, you were buying this already for dd and I presume will just be shared around family. You would look incredibly petty asking for half the cost of this.
From what you've said it sounds like your sister is in an incredibly difficult situation. Id just concentrate on being there for her and forget about cake and bits of party food.

diddl · 14/01/2015 18:27

"diddl my sister will never realise her issues come from her dhs selfishness."

How can she not though?

If they are short of money, where does she think that it is going?

Notnaice · 14/01/2015 18:27

You have the money, she can contribute in other ways. Ask her to make the sandwiches and any other time consuming food. Then you've both contributed but in different ways.

See this as your part in making a nice day for your nephew that he wouldn't otherwise have.

BalloonSlayer · 14/01/2015 18:28

I've never been to a joint birthday party where there haven't been two cakes!

Can't you just have a big "DD's name" iced on yours so she has to get another one for her DS?

SoonToBeSix · 14/01/2015 18:29

Yabu £25 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a cake for a two year old never mind £50 and two cakes would be silly.

diddl · 14/01/2015 18:30

It's not about the party though, is it?

It's about the sister constantly being bailed out so that she doesn't have to face up to what an irresponsible twat her husband is.

sliceofsoup · 14/01/2015 18:31

£50 for a handmade hand decorated cake is about standard really.

I can see how frustrating this is for you OP. But you are actually doing the right thing by sucking it up, because you are right, any other way and she will just pull away.

It is grating to see other people get so much help when you have to struggle on. We have a similar person in my family and it gets really annoying at times when everyone mucks in to help them through a situation that they have caused or let continue, while we struggle on by ourselves.

But the one person I feel sorry for here is your nephew. He has absolutely no control over his life. I think he will be delighted to have a party and half a cake, that it sounds like he wouldn't get otherwise.

I wouldn't underestimate how much your sister realises how much you do for her, and she is probably jealous of you, for having a lovely DH who puts his children and wife first. That is something that money can't buy.

I'm not sure that asking for a contribution to the cake will actually get you anywhere, but I think you know that.

You are not being at all unreasonable to be annoyed about it though.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/01/2015 18:31

If you had said no to a joint party how would your dsis have reacted?
Bringing just rice cakes to your own child's party is taking the p*.
She needs to cop herself on. If she wants a party, she should get the money needed from the child's father. You say he earns more than you and your partner OP.
The 'poor me' act lets her off the hook.

LuluJakey1 · 14/01/2015 18:33

I do think she should expect to contribute to the party.

Could you say 'Right, how are we going to split this between us. I have had a cake made for DD because I made such a mess of last year's and I don't mind DN sharing that. What else do we need? ' Then make a list and split it between you.

You are enabling her husband to drink and so is she.

AppleAndBlackberry · 14/01/2015 18:37

By the time your DD gets to 4 or 5 she will want to have her friends there and a joint party won't really make sense unless they're at the same school, so I think I would just let it go this year. Maybe if she suggests one next year you could ask her to host? If you are upset about DD having to share the cake then you need to ask her to bring their own cake, I'm sure that would be perfectly reasonable.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 18:40

Can't you just have a big "DD's name" iced on yours so she has to get another one for her DS?
So blatantly showing the nephew that his cousin has a much nicer cake, on his birthday? Nice!

Its not the poor childs fault he has as spineless mother and a feckless father. And I take it you didnt read where the OP said that the sister wouldnt have £10 to spend on a cake?

What a cruel and nasty thing to suggest.

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