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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to return these baby clothes? (someone "gave" them to me)

181 replies

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:18

So an old friend gave me a massive amount of baby clothes (all the way from birth to 1 year) and was very OTT when she gifted them. She made a big song and dance about how she's washed them / put them in order and how happy she was to help us out etc..

She has now discovered that another friend [not someone I know] is also having a girl a few months after me so has messaged to ask that I send the clothes back after so she can "give" them to her friend.

AIBU to just send the whole lot back now? I will need to get her to come and collect them as we don't have a car at the moment.

I will of course be tactful and don't want to seem ungrateful in any way but keeping these clothes separate from my own will be a huge hassle (I have a relative expecting a girl and want to give her my baby clothes!)

OP posts:

Waltonswatcher · 29/12/2014 13:21

Give them back now . With a nice card explaining you've been gifted others .
I hate anything like this- a simple
'pass any back that survive' type message would have been enough from her . Now you'll be worried about every stain .

Sirzy · 29/12/2014 13:21

Why not tell her the truth. Tell her you have promised your clothes to someone you know and then give your friend the choice to either pick up the clothes now before they are used or say you will happily (if you are happy to do so of course!) bag some of your clothes up when finished with for this friend too but of course you can't guarantee it will be all the same clothes she gave you.

however · 29/12/2014 13:23

If you sent the entire stash back to me, I'd assume I'd offended you in some way. Has she offended you?

I think it's a bit odd that she's asked you for them for her friend after you're done with them, but, you know, it's not particularly outrageous, is it?

schokolade · 29/12/2014 13:25

Don't really see the issue. Go through her bag or box of clothes and put a mark on the label with permanent marker. Unless you're drowning in baby clothes don't underestimate how much money those clothes, and others down the track, can save you in both money and time.

FluffyRedSocks · 29/12/2014 13:26

I've been through the hassle of this, and tbh, it's just not worth it!
We had to try and remember everything we were given, some didn't survive and she was very angry (nothing too branded, just Tesco/ Primark/ matalan stuff!)
If anyone offered me clothes in the future I wouldn't accept them if they wanted them back..

trilbydoll · 29/12/2014 13:28

It is a nightmare being loaned baby stuff rather than given. Have you had your baby? Could you give them back saying you got so many presents you don't have space? Or keep ones that you definitely won't forget are hers and return more generic ones that could get muddled up?

Jodie1982 · 29/12/2014 13:28

I'd give em back. I'd be worried about the baby making any stains on them, baby milk n poo is a bugger to get out.

schokolade · 29/12/2014 13:29

Well if she'd be annoyed if some didn't survive that's different. Would she, do you think?

dottytablecloth · 29/12/2014 13:30

YANBU

You don't give someone a gift with conditions attached.

I'd probably either not use them as it'll be a gaff trying to remember what you have to 'return' or just give the whole lot back to her.

schokolade · 29/12/2014 13:31

Are baby clothes really cheap in the uk? Just struggling a bit to see how people can easily turn them down for the sake of labeling them. They're really expensive here in Switzerland.

LadyMaryofDownton · 29/12/2014 13:31

How long have you had them? have they been used much? My SIL & her friends pass along everything to each other then back & fourth again & again & I mean everything even the cots & prams. I think it's a great idea.

Does she mean after you have used them ie your baby will be six months give her back the 0-3 maths & so on. Or give everything back now without some of it being used.

Diamondsareagirls · 29/12/2014 13:31

I have had this and I understand what you mean about the hassle of keeping track of them all and them not getting mixed in with others. It is a pain when you have to give them back again.
I wouldn't give them back now as it will just offend her and she was being nice. Put them to one side and don't use them if you don't need them. That way you can just hand them all back when she asks for them. Perhaps mix them up a bit so it looks like you've used them :)

Balderdabble · 29/12/2014 13:32

A friend gave me a ton of baby clothes and I went through and put a little dot on the label so I could find them when done. She did give them to me, with no specific message of returning them but I would never have presumed that she wouldn't want them back. It saved us an absolute fortune and I'm very grateful for them. But I absolutely expected to return them without her specifically requesting it. And only a couple of vests didn't survive

Saki5000 · 29/12/2014 13:33

It is annoying of her to "give"them to you and then to decide it is a loan. I wouldn't want to borrow baby clothes as many of them won't survive. It's not worth the hassle. I would just keep them in the bag and give them back to her in a couple of months/when you next see her. She probably won't realise that you haven't used them.

cingolimama · 29/12/2014 13:36

Oh FFSm I hate these people who "give" stuff (with huge song and dance) only to want it back so they can "give" it to someone else. This is all about them wanting to be seen to be generous.

I think OP that you should just return it as tactfully as you can - something along the lines of "I've been inundated with kind offers of clothes. I really appreciate your lovely lot, but as you've got another friend expecting a girl and you want to pass these on, why not just give these straight to her, as I've now got more than I can ever use. But thank you so much for thinking of us, blah blah blah..."

PrettyLittleMitty · 29/12/2014 13:36

I would give it all back now. Too much hassle keeping them seperate from everything else and you will fret over every stain. Politely tell her thanks but you have had other friends/family also give you lots of clothes and you would rather these go to someone that needs them.

Original poster

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:38

Yep I guess I could dot the labels but still it's a hassle to have to keep an eye on them.

With DS I just used to pack up the clothes he's outgrown and ship them off to my folks (for my younger nephew when he was big enough for them)

When friend messaged me to say she wanted the clothes back [I am paraphrasing she wasn't rude or anything] I messaged her back immediately and said they were still boxed up and she was welcome to collect them and pass them on to her other friend now. I then got several messages saying "oh no, please keep them" / "they will save you so much money" / "don't worry if I don't get them all back"...

I have so much on that keeping track of some baby clothes is just a bit of a hassle to be honest.

She is an old friend but not someone I am massively close to so she did go to a lot of time and effort for me? And as I say she dropped them round etc..

OP posts:

ChunkyPickle · 29/12/2014 13:42

Do people really expect everything back pristine?

Our family pass the clothes around, and I've always assumed it's on a pass on or back anything that survives principle - occasionally saying that I particularly love that t-shirt so try not to lose that one.

Is she even likely to remember everything?

ASunnyTiger · 29/12/2014 13:42

It might not be possible to give them back in time for her friend anyway, babies grow at different rates. My 3 month old is currently in 6-9, soon to be upgraded to 9-12. My daughter was the other end of the scale and always 3 months behind her actual age group. If she has a fast growing baby or you a smaller one and there's only a few month gap between them then their child could easily overtake your's.

Original poster

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:44

Friend also said "you can give them back to me as baby out-grows them"

WTF? It went from being a gift to return as soon as you can?

I think I am just going to keep them all packed up, ask my folks to store them and give them back in a few months when her friend is due.

OP posts:

ASunnyTiger · 29/12/2014 13:49

Given that you don't have a car and she wants you to give them back in batches to keep up with the other baby's growth it's just sounding like a major hassle to me.

afterthought · 29/12/2014 14:00

I think I would just bag them up in size batches now and pass them back at the appropriate moment. It will be too much hassle keeping track and worrying about stuff getting ruined.

toomuchtooold · 29/12/2014 14:03

schokolade baby clothes are cheaper in the UK but only because everything is (because of the exchange rate) - we've recently arrived in CH and bought winter clothes for our toddlers and the prices seemed quite reasonable compared to everything else!

OP, YANBU and like you I think I would just return them when the new baby is due (or hang onto them till your baby's supposed to have outgrown them).

I honestly do not know why people do this. TBH after 5 years TTC, recurrent MC and IVF I really just wanted to enjoy buying baby stuff for my girls. Plus with twins in the house it was total chaos and we thought we were doing well just keeping straight their different sized clothes, and remembering who to feed and change! It was murder keeping the stuff straight after it became clear (a couple of months after it was given) that we were supposed to be returning it. Why do people think baby clothes are so valuable? You can pick up bundles of clothes for babies (right up to 12 months) on ebay for almost nothing.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 14:06

It never occurred to me that the stuff passed on to me, which was already a mixture of sources , or the stuff I passed on was on loan.

She sounds as if she wants to be seen as generous by as many people as possible.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 14:08

I'd give it all back now. Not worth the hassle and why store stuff you will never use?

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