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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return these baby clothes? (someone "gave" them to me)

181 replies

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:18

So an old friend gave me a massive amount of baby clothes (all the way from birth to 1 year) and was very OTT when she gifted them. She made a big song and dance about how she's washed them / put them in order and how happy she was to help us out etc..

She has now discovered that another friend [not someone I know] is also having a girl a few months after me so has messaged to ask that I send the clothes back after so she can "give" them to her friend.

AIBU to just send the whole lot back now? I will need to get her to come and collect them as we don't have a car at the moment.

I will of course be tactful and don't want to seem ungrateful in any way but keeping these clothes separate from my own will be a huge hassle (I have a relative expecting a girl and want to give her my baby clothes!)

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 15:28
Blush
SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2014 15:32

When I had DS I got given bags of clothes from about 4 different people. When he got too big for them I passed them on to whoever got PG next, with the only restrictions being time of year (eg warm newborn clothes for people with winter babies, lightweight summer clothes for summer borns etc) and anything ragingly gendered got passed on to appropriate gender. Some of the stuff I got was lovely vintage Mothercare that had clearly done a whole generation or more of babies - I felt a bit guilty that a couple of the babygros did fall to bits in my care but at the same time they'd obviously had a lot of use.
It's wierd to give instructions about baby clothes you have given to someone.

unclerory · 29/12/2014 15:48

YABU, why do you need them after you've finished with them, they might as well go to someone else?

I alway give stuff back when we've been given it, can't be arse having someone else's baby clothes in the house. Very gratefully received and used but I'd rather hand it back than keep on to it when I don't need it any longer. I've not found it hard to separate out someone else's clothes when I'm sorting out the clothes, bemused that people think it's such hard work to put clothes in two boxes rather one box when your child has outgrown them?

Of course, having found other people's hand me downs useful I always hand on my own clothes as well and say 'return when you finish, you don't want to have an attic full of my old clothes when you don't need them'. I don't expect things back in pristine condition, these are kids clothes after all, but I do intend to sell some of the good stuff (Boden mainly that still looks pristine after both my DDs and my niece have worn them) at some point.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 16:07

No one is suggesting she hoards second hand baby clothes. I'm sure like almost everyone else apart from the donor OP would pass them on to someone who could use them or to a charity shop.

If the donor was someone who could use them , then fair enough. If not why on earth would anyone want baby clothes back?

ILovePud · 29/12/2014 16:08

YANBU I think your friend's reaction says it all. You've done the right thing and she's been rude, she should have made it clear at the outset if it was a loan and then you could have politely declined at that point. Enjoy your baby Flowers.

BalloonSlayer · 29/12/2014 16:12

Oh now she's been shitty I'd probably text back with something like: "So sorry but I just don't feel up to the pressure of keeping clothes that are already second hand in good enough condition to be handed on to a third person. Best if you give them straight to her. Many apologies for messing you around, I must have misunderstood, I thought you had given them to me not lent them to me. xxx"

notonyourninny · 29/12/2014 16:15

Fgs really? Just use a fabric pen on the ones she gave you, pass any that survive back.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 16:17

I always hand on my own clothes as well and say 'return when you finish, you don't want to have an attic full of my old clothes when you don't need them

Unless you were actually pregnant when you handed them over. I'd think that a very odd thing to say.

Kaekae · 29/12/2014 16:17

Madness, won't they be all faded and very worn by the time she gifts them and they are worn for the third time?!

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 16:49

Just to clarify I'm not wanting to keep anyone's baby clothes. However I really don't want the hassle of having to keep a few items separate. I can appreciate that this comes across as ungrateful but the reality is I'll have a lot going on and don't want any additional responsibility - that is what these gifted clothes have now become. Gifts are meant to make a person feel good? Not burdened which is how I now feel.

I have messaged again and said I'll arrange a taxi as to not put friend out any more than I already have and to let me know when works for her.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 29/12/2014 16:56

DC3 is wearing a jumper today that wasn't new when DC1 wore it, let alone DC2. I'm buggered if I can remember who handed it down, though.

On the other hand I do remember who passed down his current coat, which both her DC wore and both my older DC.

I've only passed on clothes I'm happy not to see again. That meant not passing on until after my last baby, and I know what pp means about feeling guilty about stuff sitting in a loft when someone else could be using it. The only exception is slings which I've lent out with explicit need for return. I have one currently lent out which really I'd quite like back because I know she's finished with it and I don't want it lost or forgotten.

On the other hand I LOVE seeing friends' babies in our handmedowns. I get the joy of them all over again. The general rule is "pass it forward" whether to another baby or a charity shop or a shelter.

We live in a naice area so people are passing on as much for environmental reasons as for thrift. Itdes sasave a lot of money, though.

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2014 17:01

I think you should point out to her that you were under the impression that the clothes were a gift rather than a loan, and whirl you very much appreciated a gift, a loan is a responsibility you don't want.

It's the truth, and it would do her good to realise that she's not as generous as she likes to make out.

ASunnyTiger · 29/12/2014 17:06

I agree with Woo, though understand you might not want the hassle. To me once a gift has been given its stops being your's, if you want to retain some control over what happens to it you should say so from the start. There was no need for her to be shitty.

FryOneFatManic · 29/12/2014 17:07

TBH, it really does sound like the friend is wanting to appear to lots of people as generous.

I'd be cross if I was given what I thought was a gift of baby clothes, only to find out later that they were only lent. Makes me wonder if the friend will expect the other friend to also return the clothes. Hope she makes it more clear if she does.

Our family had the system that clothes got passed on as various cousins got pregnant. No expectation of clothes being returned, and as inevitably happened, some clothes wore out and were replaced, and the replacements got included when clothes got passed on. Eventually the clothes passed out of the family and on to other people, but as the point was that we wanted people to get use of the clothes, we didn't want them back.

When DD was born, one item was a pair of dungarees in good condition that were already 10 years old.

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 18:31

I think it just sounds like the friend was trying to HELP two people. I still can't see why that is so bad...

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/12/2014 18:46

OP YANBU. You will have enough to do and think about with a new baby in the house without the extra hassle of "keeping good" some items of baby clothes.

I have given DS's decent clothes away. They are gifts, not loans and I wouldn't dream of asking for them back. I think it's a bit cheeky TBH. If they are loaned, then it is up to the person lending them out to be clear about this upfront and understand if the offer of a loan is refused.

Royalsighness · 29/12/2014 18:55

I gave my sister a beautiful cradle, mint condition car seat, sheets, lovely clothes, baby bath seat thing I gave her all of the things I loved the most (apart from the sentimental things) because I wanted her to get as much joy out of them as they gave me.

I found out about 6 weeks later that I'm pregnant Grin but won't be expecting any of the stuff back as it was a gift and it still is! I chose to give it her and don't expect her to have to be extra careful with it, kids poo, break stuff and things get damaged. She's being a bit optimistic thinking baby clothes will survive through 3 babies (unless they are those really nice ones you save for best)

Bulbasaur · 29/12/2014 18:56

You'd think someone that just had a baby would understand things like diaper blow outs, food stains, and general wear and tear. Salvaging clothes isn't always possible. Just because my baby didn't have massive diarrhea one night doesn't mean another baby won't. I would be shocked if clothes could make it through two babies to be in good enough condition for a third.

I gave away some of DD's baby clothes, and would never ask for them back. Though, I do want to see some pics of her in some of DD's outfits for selfish nostalgia. Wink Though, I would never tell her that. They're hers to do with as she pleases.

I'd never find it worth my time to care be able to keep them separate or figure out what clothes came from where. It's a hassle. Your friend shouldn't have even asked for them back.

schokolade · 29/12/2014 19:14

I'm very surprised by this thread. I have a ten month old daughter. We were loaned lots of clothes by DHs cousin. I was so grateful. They saved us lots of money and all the effort if traipsing round the shops trying clothes on a baby. Sending them back was easy compared to that!!

expatinscotland · 29/12/2014 19:16

Because she gave the OP the clothes, ocelot, then came back and said it was a loan. If she had said they were on loan at the OP would have declined as she does not want a loan.

DoJo · 29/12/2014 19:18

ocelot41 I don't think anyone is disagreeing with the friend's intentions, but by wanting to help two people, she has unwittingly involved the OP in 'helping' the second friend as well.

noonoos78 · 29/12/2014 19:22

YANBU OP

my Sil did this to me - I had pfdaughter, she sent over a black bag full of (grey bobbly) clothes for my lo.
i then text to say thank you, and did she want me to sent it to charity shop or something when finished (she is not having more)
she went ape about her 'loan' and asked for each item back as i was finished with it.
SOD THAT - i bagged it up that day and sent it back with my bro when he visited....he hid them in the loft and doubt they've seen the light of day again.
She didn't talk to me for a month as i had offended her!!!!

people are funny about baby clothes....

on the other hand my other sil passes on all her clothes for my pfdaughter and when i tentatively asked if she wanted them back (gorgeous pristine stuff) she laughed and said no way - pass them on to anyone who will make use of them :) preferably local refuge or similar.

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 19:24

not sure what the problem is.
we do this all the time between DSILs & friends, most things go back to lender.
baby clothes don't get that much wear and tear, some things like fleece babygrows have made quite a few rounds now and still in good condition.

obviously anything stained or broken gets binned.

we have 7 kids (6 boys 1 girl) most baby clothes I bought for DS1 are now being used for DS6.

I don't see why you couldn't use then return the clothes OP, it's a perfectly fine thing to do. just put a dot on the labels with a permanent marker.

but if you feel you'd rather not worry about damages/staines because your friend might be a bitch about that later I recommend you return them asap.

good luck

merlehaggard · 29/12/2014 19:30

ocelot I'm sure your friends don't think you did anything wrong though. My sister in law did the same to me - seemed to first give clothes but then started asking for them back as me son outgrew them, for a neighbour. I knew exactly what I had bought and could very easily separate it from the clothes she had lent me when I returned them. It was no hassle and was happy with it all.

To be honest though, if the OP is not, I think I would just thank the friend, explain and hand them back. Or put into aged bags and return a bit at a time.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 19:31

They saved us ... all the effort if traipsing round the shops trying clothes on a baby. Sending them back was easy compared to that!!

Why on earth were you trying clothes on a baby ?

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