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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return these baby clothes? (someone "gave" them to me)

181 replies

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:18

So an old friend gave me a massive amount of baby clothes (all the way from birth to 1 year) and was very OTT when she gifted them. She made a big song and dance about how she's washed them / put them in order and how happy she was to help us out etc..

She has now discovered that another friend [not someone I know] is also having a girl a few months after me so has messaged to ask that I send the clothes back after so she can "give" them to her friend.

AIBU to just send the whole lot back now? I will need to get her to come and collect them as we don't have a car at the moment.

I will of course be tactful and don't want to seem ungrateful in any way but keeping these clothes separate from my own will be a huge hassle (I have a relative expecting a girl and want to give her my baby clothes!)

OP posts:
CecilyP · 29/12/2014 22:02

If the woman in Reading was extremely poor and desperate for these baby clothes, OP's friend should have been relieved that OP was handing them back straight away so that Reading woman would have them as soon as she needs them, rather than having to wait till OP has finished with them. Friend would be coming round to collect them and giving to Reading friend herself, rather than having a fit of pique and demanding OP post the items to Reading to someone that she doesn't actually know.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 29/12/2014 22:03

if your friend was so keen to help this other woman out, maybe she is in real trouble? But the friend was keen to help the op out but the op isn't in real trouble and is fine without these clothes so there is no reason to believe that the other woman needs them either. This is about the friend wanting to appear as lady bountiful, her shitty attitude now is because the op isn't falling over her in grateful thanks because the clothes are more of a hassle to the op than a help.

Lending clothes to people is fine if you are upfront about it giving them a chance to say thanks but no thanks. Like others we have clothes which just go round from baby to baby, when one person finishes with them they are passed on to the most suitable person. No one worries about getting things back.

Saki5000 · 29/12/2014 22:06

ocelot41 I think OP did offer to send the clothes back to her friend. The friend however has decided that OP should send them on to a person some distance away which isn't reasonable. I don't think it is reasonable to give someone clothes and then at a later stage tell them that they must give them back. Many people (myself included) don't want to borrow things.

debbriana · 29/12/2014 22:09

The haste that came with it, if it were me and money was not too tight I would give the whole lot back. People like her I would not accept things from them without making sure that they will come back for them. That is the strangest thing I have ever had. What a disrespectful person

BalloonSlayer · 29/12/2014 22:17

"No, sorry, I can't do that. You need to arrange to collect them. I must say I am confused - when did giving me a load of clothes suddenly turn into only lending them to me for 4 months and then expecting me to transport them to Reading? I do not wish to sound grabby but you made a massive deal about GIVING me these things. It's fine if you now only want to lend them but I do not wish to borrow them - I have other people giving me baby clothes who don't want them back, you must realise that it's far too much hassle to remember that babygro a is the one someone gave me but babygro b is the one that was only lent and has to be set aside and posted to Reading. At the end of the day they are only second hand baby clothes, not the crown jewels."

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 22:19

OK, I get it that you are having a misunderstanding here and that you are annoyed. That happens between friends sometimes - they wind each other up. Sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose if things have got too heated.

But if you like this person enough to call her a friend, why not call and talk to her about it when you have both calmed down? I guess what I am getting at is that there may be all sorts of circumstances around this that you don't yet know about. So maybe you could get to the point where you could understand her POV, and she yours.

Why jump to the conclusion that your friend is some kind of a narcissist without giving her the chance to explain herself? Or maybe just say 'Oops sorry, guess I was being a bit thoughtless/nippy/whatever'.

I thought that's what friends did?Confused At any rate, I can't see any call for the kind of character assassinations going on on this thread and if your friend is a MNetter and has read this, she is going to be desperately hurt.

Please do no more tonight, sleep on it, talk properly with her tomorrow and see if you can make amends.

HolgerDanske · 29/12/2014 22:23

No need to make amends...

All the OP is saying is that it will be too much hassle and stress to try to keep on top of this, so she'd rather hand the whole lot back now and that way everyone's happy.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 29/12/2014 22:39

What Balloon said

HolgerDanske · 29/12/2014 23:02

Uhm yes now that I have read the bit that I missed earlier - that on top of turning a gift into a loan, which is annoying but not entirely unreasonable, I guess, OP's 'friend' is expecting her to pay to send the clothing on to the third party - I, too, agree with what Balloon said!

GlitterBelle · 29/12/2014 23:14

Not that you should have to, but you could try somewhere like My Hermes which sometimes lets you send a parcel for around £3-4 pounds.

But she's being very awkward.

EstRusMum · 30/12/2014 01:24

Some posters here are being really ridiculous. Clothes were GIVEN to OP. And later asked back. And it wouldn't be a problem, if OP herself wouldn't have someone to give clothes to. Sister, I believe (sorry, cannot remember after 5 pages of responces) ? So instead of passing the whole lot to a sister, she would have to sort the clothes constantly to keep them separated.
And now this "good samaritan" friend also wants OP to send clothes to Reading. Clothes that OP haven't used. Is that a scheme to save a fortune in delivery?

I was given most of the clothes by my SIL. I know she would never ask them back. Also, if no-one I know will need them after me, I will give them to charity that will make sure that they would go to a family in need.
I myself would never think of asking back baby clothes even if I need them.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/12/2014 02:09

It's definitely the whole business of having to take separate, special care of this particular set of baby clothes which were not originally specified as 'on loan' rather than simply passed on. Unless you want the stuff back for your own next DC (and are actually hoping to have another DC within a year or so) it's a bit weird to be pissy about used baby gear. All the used stuff I was given was passed to me with only the vaguest of unspoken understandings that I would recirculate it to the next person I knew - or knew of - who was having a baby, and that was what I did: some of it came from people I didn't actually know eg my mum's friend's neighbour's daughter who wanted to clear out the baby clothes she had no more use for. Some of the stuff I was given was still brand new, and I passed it on unworn as it was summer newborn stuff and DS was born at the end of September, and then an acquaintance of mine had a baby in the July of the following year; the friend who had given me one bag of clothes was happy to hear that DS had worn a couple of the warm babygrows she passed on because her DS ( 6 months older than mine) had been the wrong size in the wrong season to wear them.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2014 02:16

Give them all back and say you were given some others as well.

Baby clothes are a sensitive issue! I gave away some of dd's clothes and instantly regretted two outfits which I would so love to be given back!

And I recognise how awful that is!

Be polite to her, she meant to be nice to you but really it is much easier for you to have clothes from others with no string attached, you do not need to explain this, you can just smile and give them back when she collects them.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2014 02:20

Oh sorry, there are 5 pages of this I only saw the start!

Ericaequites · 30/12/2014 03:03

These are baby clothes bought in shops, not family heirlooms. Frankly, I couldn't be bothered being so precious that the clothes have to come back on schedule. Babies poop and puke on things. Clothes get ruined. A gift means you let go of control over the object involved.
I'd just make and buy a limited wardrobe, as I have a washer and dryer. Life is too short to sort and store clothes by donor.

sykadelic · 30/12/2014 04:01

Loaning clothes with an expectation of getting them back is weird. If you want something back, don't loan it.

MN teaches me so many things...

  1. Loan clothes to people to save them money
  2. Borrow clothes from people but ask them if there's an provisos so you make sure you don't breach the rules in some way
  3. Some people will take advantage of you giving them stuff and on-sell rather than on-gifting (as is the spirit of giving).
  4. If you want the clothes/items back YOU put a label in/on them

My DH's relative was given an expensive lift chair. She didn't need it and rather than re-gift it, she decided to sell it instead and I thought that was utter bull. She was given an item in good faith, she shouldn't profit from someone elses kindness. IMO it should always be offered back and sold if they don't want it back.

CheerfulYank · 30/12/2014 04:14

YABU since she said she didn't expect all of them back. A friend of mine gave me lots of her DD's clothes and marked her DD's initial on the tag. Friend was going to have another DC at some point and said she would welcome back any that survived, but not to worry or take any special care with them. She ended up having a boy and said to either keep them for my DC or send them to the charity shop.

Asking you to get them to Reading is not on, though.

musicalendorphins2 · 30/12/2014 04:17

OP, don't send them to the friends friend. Just send them back to the friend who gave them to you.

favouritewasteoftime · 30/12/2014 05:40

I think your friend was very kind to lend you the clothes. If someone did that for me I would be delighted. Your friend has said that it doesn't matter if not all the items are returned.

AliceLidl · 30/12/2014 07:43

"YABU since she said she didn't expect all of them back."

"I think your friend was very kind to lend you the clothes."

But she didn't originally lend the clothes to the OP, she gave them to the OP. So she shouldn't expect any of them back or be offering them to anybody else.

You just can't give something to somebody and then a few weeks or months later get in touch and say "actually, that gift I gave you, I've changed my mind and decided I want to give it to somebody else as well so we'll call it a loan now."

It's just really rude to expect a gift, or parts of a gift, to be returned to you once you have given it away.

You either make it clear at the start that you are loaning something or you accept that you have given it away and it's not yours anymore.

cardamomginger · 30/12/2014 07:50

What a hassle.

Courier using MyHermes. Very reasonable. Should probably only cost £5 or so.

BumGravy · 30/12/2014 08:03

Someone did this too me but waited until I had already started using the clothes to tell me.
I didn't mind as I was just pleased I had been given 4 bags of pretty baby clothes to use.
I just returned what I could remember were the right clothes and gave her a gift voucher to replace any I hadn't given back/weren't in perfect condition and some of the nicer things I had bought myself I thought she might want too.
It still saved me money, which I appreciated.

TheLastThneed · 30/12/2014 08:15

When DD was born I still had my memory so I could remember what Dsis had loaned me (absolutely tonnes) and what cam in a bundle from friends.

I'd have absolutely no hope now!

It saved us an absolute fortune, so it may be worth putting a dot on the labels as suggested. She's got to expect that some things will get damaged though.

bigbluestars · 30/12/2014 08:21

I agree with the others- you can't turn a gift into a loan.

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 30/12/2014 08:58

Spoke to my "friend" last night (sadly now I think I have to use the term friend in inverted commas!! Shock)

I rang, started off by apologising and explaining how I never intended to cause any trouble but due to having a lot on and thinking the clothes will be much more useful to her other friend I just think it's easier to return them now, but I appreciate her help etc.... I was met with a very icy "I know - we had a whatsapp conversation about this earlier"

I then explained that I had no way of getting all the stuff to Reading and that as the intention had been for me to return it to her when I was finished anyway could we just stick to that? Which she flatly refused, said she doesn't have the space to store and wont be able to get to friend in Reading for 'the next few months'.

She then asked why I accepted the clothes and I explained that I thought they were a gift (she said they were but they were to be returned when I was finished) and by this point I actually started to get quite upset. It's very clear that I am expected to send these clothes on myself.

To my eternal shame I started crying on the phone, explaining I am 37 weeks pregnant and still have a week left at work. I have a toddler, I have just moved house, I am basically very busy and just cannot get these clothes to Reading. My "friend" suggested I use a courier. I don't want to use a fucking courier. I want to finish work next week and have a bloody break. I know it's not that much of a hardship to have a courier pick the stuff up etc but I never wanted any of this

Ended up in friend calling me an ungrateful bitch and hanging up on me.

She did later text me the name and number of her friend and told me to sort it out with her.

I am livid today, hopping mad actually. I cannot believe it's escalated to this point?

I did message the other friend and we've had a bit of a convo, her hubby will be in London the weekend after next and he is happy to collect all the stuff. I did mention the shit I've had with mutual friend and advised her to accept the clothes but also expect to have them demanded back at any time.

I want to be the bigger person here but I also want to tell my "friend" what a complete and utter horrible, nasty cow-bag she has been to me.

For now I'll just have to rant on here!!! I am not sure if she is a member but if she is I hope she fucking well reads this!

OP posts: