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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return these baby clothes? (someone "gave" them to me)

181 replies

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:18

So an old friend gave me a massive amount of baby clothes (all the way from birth to 1 year) and was very OTT when she gifted them. She made a big song and dance about how she's washed them / put them in order and how happy she was to help us out etc..

She has now discovered that another friend [not someone I know] is also having a girl a few months after me so has messaged to ask that I send the clothes back after so she can "give" them to her friend.

AIBU to just send the whole lot back now? I will need to get her to come and collect them as we don't have a car at the moment.

I will of course be tactful and don't want to seem ungrateful in any way but keeping these clothes separate from my own will be a huge hassle (I have a relative expecting a girl and want to give her my baby clothes!)

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2014 14:21

I would just give them back to her now, I couldn't be arsed marking clothes and making sure they were in one pile and my stuff in another and so on. I think you probably have better and more important things to do than worry about some second hand clothes.

Bogeyface · 29/12/2014 14:27

A favour that causes you more work and hassle is no favour!

I would give them back now. I agree that she seems to want to be seen as the soul of generosity to as many as possible.

SorchaN · 29/12/2014 14:29

My sister-in-law gave us some (brand new) things when our child was born, and then a few months later she asked for them back when her friend became pregnant. It wasn't all that much hassle, except that we had another child very soon afterwards so we needed to replace the things we'd given back to my sister-in-law. But then of course we were free to pass those things on to our own friends who were pregnant. If that makes sense. I have to admit, though, I don't really understand temporary lending of baby things. Either give them away or sell them, but lending seems to lead to trouble!

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 14:39

I understand lending things like crib, high chair (actually my sister lent me these for DS as her kids didn't need them at the time) as these are massive items that are a) expensive and b) only used for X amount of time.

The whole clothes stuff is just a nightmare really. I appreciate the thought and effort but I don't want to be responsible for these clothes??? Also they are not all in great condition either [I started washing the smaller sizes as I am due in a few weeks]

I do think there is an element of "Look how amazing I am in" in my friend giving me this stuff as she did make a few FB comments about it. I am not on FB but another friend mentioned it to me in passing as she'd seen something the clothes-giving friend had posted? So she must have been boasting?

Right, just sent friend a polite message saying I appreciate her kindness but I am not going to use the clothes and she can pick them up when she wants. She had an April baby, mine will be January so I have used this as excuse and said that the clothes will be much more suitable for her friend due end of April.

Sorted!

OP posts:
TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 29/12/2014 14:40

I have only done this oncentury with a very small bundle

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 14:41

PS - I was a lot more gushy and thankful than that in my message and

OP posts:
TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 29/12/2014 14:43

*sigh

I have only done this once with a very small bundle of nice and distinctive clothes and, even so, it was a pain. If I pass clothes on, my only proviso is that they are passed on to someone else in their turn or given to a charity shop outside my immediate area (not sold). I don't pass on anything I would want back, it's an unnecessary stress for both parties.

TheReluctantCountess · 29/12/2014 14:45

How annoying. I think your response is more than adequate. Save yourself the hassle and worry.

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 14:48

This thread is really making me goConfused. I think I AM that friend!

I grew up in a very poor household and have always offered around what I have to others, esp if I know they are a bit tight for cash

Yes it does take quite a bit of effort to launder, store, package up and deliver baby clothes, furniture and other things - if you loan on you are also foregoing making a bit of money for yourself via EBay/ NCT sales.

But hey, I thought I could be saving my friends hundreds of pounds at a time when that would be helpful. I don't give a monkeys if some things don't survive and make that clear.

It never even occurred to me that people would react in some of the ways I have read on this thread. Surely if you don't want an offer of a loan, you just say 'thanks, but no thanks'? But really, would you rather spend all that money rather than just spending an hour making a list or putting some spots on labels? Crikey.Confused

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 14:49

Shitty message back

Basically saying I wont bother in future / not sure when I can pick them up.

Oh well.

OP posts:
TheReluctantCountess · 29/12/2014 14:51

It's nice to be given things that are no longer needed. But I wouldn't want to be the person who was lent them as third or fourth-hand.

TheReluctantCountess · 29/12/2014 14:51

Oh well. At least if she won't bother in future you won't have to worry about it again.

LadyLuck10 · 29/12/2014 14:53

Yanbu, just give the whole lot back. What happens if a few things got stained or lost. Would you be expected to replace it. Ridiculous to even suggest passing it on again.

dustarr73 · 29/12/2014 14:54

I would text back she asked for them back,no point in getting shitty with me.
You either say its a lend so you have a chance to say no thanks.Or you give the stuff away.I hate this sort of crap.

She just wants to be seen to be generous and Look at me kind of way.

expatinscotland · 29/12/2014 14:59

Oh, well. You tried. She gave them to you and then decided it was a loan. If you'd known it was a loan to begin with you wouldn't have bothered. She is being a bit flighty.

BalloonSlayer · 29/12/2014 14:59

A friend of mine lent/gave me some baby stuff and she had a name written on the label of some things that she did want back. That worked very well for me, as I took better care of those items too. There were not very many of them though, and they were items like moses basket sheets and blankets rather than clothes; the clothes she just said to charity shop when I had done.

I would not have wanted to be arsed with a whole box of clothes that had to be kept separate from the ones I bought. Baby clothes are made with the understanding that they will only be worn for a couple of months and they don't last. I'd be worrying because these third-hand clothes would be in very poor condition by the time they got to the final recipient, and it would be me who got the blame.

The original owner would say "oh but they were in beautiful condition!" (because her baby's poo stain is darling and cute) and the third owner would say "urgh they are all grey bobbly with poo stains, gak!" and they will both turn to look at you accusingly, when all that as actually happen is normal wear and tear on some second-hand clothes.

I would too be exasperated as someone playing Lady Bountiful and making a big thing about giving me stuff, only to ask for it all back.

thinkingaboutthis · 29/12/2014 15:04

I would give the whole lot back too, far too much hassle to return specific clothes.

All of my youngest's clothes have done the oldest, cousins, friend's children - it's all been passed on with some stuff missing and new stuff added.

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 15:08

Am I the only poster here who thinks YABU? This friend has kindly offered something which will save you a lot of money - she took time and trouble to do so. That was a nice thing to do, no?

Now she has found out that someone else also would like a hand (and you don't know their circumstances- they could be very seriously broke and really need help). Passing on the things that you have benefitted from to someone else who could also benefit from them is just part of that wonderful mum economy of helping each other out, isn't it?

If you don't want the responsibility, fine. But it was a bit rude to send a text, rather than call and discuss this with your friend. I also think you should offer to return them yourself, rather than expecting her to go out of her way again!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 29/12/2014 15:09

When I announced my first pregnancy my sister said she had lots of clothes I could have. It then became apparent she would expect every single item back in the same condition in which it was given as soon as DC grew out of it, and any items damaged must be replaced like for like. I politely declined her offer.
I had enough to worry about as a new mum without stressing over keeping those items pristine and separate. Luckily I wasn't in a situation where I needed to rely on those hand me downs, and was able to buy new.
DCs grown out of clothes get passed down no strings attached, or go to charity. If it is precious (like the first sleepsuit DC wore etc) I keep it safe at home, not expect others to take care of it.

Annietheacrobat · 29/12/2014 15:12

Oh dear OP. Put it down to experience.

I hate waste and so fortunately one of my friends has a daughter a few months younger that I can hand down to. Funny thing is whilst I 'gave' her the clothes with no strings attached, I found myself a bit miffed when she told me she had given them on to the women's refuge. Maybe i subconsciously want a third . . . . .

Purplepoodle · 29/12/2014 15:17

Oh dear was going to say you should just stash them and give them back later

HyperThread · 29/12/2014 15:18

I think it's a huge hassell. My MiL had a habit of giving something for LO and then asking to be passed on to her other grandchild. It is so frustrating and annoying!

I wouldn't accept things that need to be returned back. It's too much hassle.

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 15:20

Must admit part of the reason I loaned to friends rather than gave away was that we were undecided about having a DC2. But would have felt rotten leaving loads of stuff in our loft just in case we might need it when I knew two friends who definitely DID need it.

This thread has left me really paranoid though, maybe they secretly hate me for what I thought was a kind act?

thinkingaboutthis · 29/12/2014 15:22

If you loaned things but expected it all back again then it probably did cause them hassle ocelot.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/12/2014 15:24

I got 3 massive bags of clothes for my DD, So much stuff. It all got passed on or sold. I honestly didnt care what happened to it, if it was getting used, I was happy with that.