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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return these baby clothes? (someone "gave" them to me)

181 replies

Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 13:18

So an old friend gave me a massive amount of baby clothes (all the way from birth to 1 year) and was very OTT when she gifted them. She made a big song and dance about how she's washed them / put them in order and how happy she was to help us out etc..

She has now discovered that another friend [not someone I know] is also having a girl a few months after me so has messaged to ask that I send the clothes back after so she can "give" them to her friend.

AIBU to just send the whole lot back now? I will need to get her to come and collect them as we don't have a car at the moment.

I will of course be tactful and don't want to seem ungrateful in any way but keeping these clothes separate from my own will be a huge hassle (I have a relative expecting a girl and want to give her my baby clothes!)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 19:32

I don't like loaning stuff either. The reason being I am not always careful with stuff myself and it causes me a huge amount of anxiety to have to keep somebody else's things nice. I am not organised and I worry that I won't remember whose is whose (the pen on the label would never have occurred to me and doesn't work with everything).

If I destroy or lose my own or gifted stuff through everyday use I'm disappointed but it's just one of those things. If I destroy or lose something I'm supposed to give back to someone - through everyday use - it's a huge source of anxiety, I literally lose sleep over it. If I destroy or lose something that I'm supposed to give back through accident or carelessness it's even worse! I borrowed a camera from my uncle years ago and to this day I can't remember giving it back and don't know whether I did. We've moved and I definitely don't have it now. I don't want to ask in case I didn't and I ended up waking DH up hysterical in the middle of the night a few months ago because I just don't know. He said something to calm me down which did work but TBH I am still not really happy about it because I can't actually remember.

I don't take loans any more. I would rather know that what I have is mine and it doesn't matter to anybody else if I look after it well enough or not. It's just too stressful. I will borrow things for a short, specific period, that's it.

Schokolade Who tries clothes on a baby? Confused

ohtheholidays · 29/12/2014 19:33

I've never heard of this before.I've given loads of baby clothes and children's clothes away over the years(have 5DC) and then fell pregnant myself afterwards.I would never have asked for the clothes back.

PhaedraIsMyName · 29/12/2014 19:36

ohtheholidays I've never heard of this before either.

BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 19:36

FWIW, if I was part of a group of friends/people having babies and someone gave me a bunch of clothes and then later became pregnant again and asked me if I had any outgrown clothes, I would be more than happy to pass on the general outgrown clothes that I had. It's not an issue of not wanting to pass things on - it's about the responsibility of keeping these clothes and unless the person is extremely laid back about it, I will be anxious about keeping these specific clothes separate and clean.

dustarr73 · 29/12/2014 19:45

Im glad im not the only one who thought it was weird about trying clothes on a baby.
Also i said a few pages back if the op had been told it was a loan it would have given her the chance to say no.But the person made out they were to keep the clothes.

BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 19:46

Yep.

ravenAK · 29/12/2014 19:51

I've received & passed on tons of baby stuff, & no-one has ever asked for or expected anything back or passed on to a specific recipient!

The closest was a friend who rang me to tell me she was pregnant again & did I still have her Moses basket? 'No, sorry, I've passed it on to a mate at work - shall I see if she'll have finished with it by the time yours is born & ask her if I can have it back to return to you?'

Response was fine, great, but tell her not to worry at all if she's got rid of it or promised it to someone (& it did come back to original friend, with a bundle of additional useful clothing).

It honestly wouldn't occur to me that a gift of baby clothes came with any sort of strings attached unless the donor made that explicit at the time of gifting (& then I might say no thanks...)

In OP's position I might have said 'yes of course I'll pass on anything that survives to your other friend'. Then when the time came I'd just have bundled up everything outgrown/unwanted, of whatever provenance. Are either of them really going to do an inventory? Original friend will have forgotten what was in the bag long since.

Thisismyfirsttime · 29/12/2014 19:58

Am I the only one who wants the OP's source to check FB to see what the friend's said? I bet there's a PA comment about it!
I'm also in the camp of thinking that having other people's stuff as a loan is just hassle, if she'd even said she had a friend due x months after and wanted to hand some stuff on to her too OP would have had the chance to make a bag or two for the friend out of all of the outgrown items (if she'd wanted to) but to just say she wanted her gifts back to regift is too much like work!

Original poster
Mammanat222 · 29/12/2014 20:08

Am a little agog at the idea of babies needing to try on clothes?

Hope that poster comes back to explain lol.

Have another problem now. Friend has said I can send directly to her friend.... who doesn't live in London. So the idea of sticking it in a cab is out.

Seriously annoyed as I'm now being 'punished' for not keeping the clothes. Had I kept them then I'd just have passed them back to friend. Now I have to find a way to get a massive box of clothes to someone in Reading.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 20:10

What? Say no. It's too far, it'll cost you a fortune in postage for clothes you won't even have used! Tell her if she doesn't want them back you'll take them to the charity shop. Job done.

BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 20:11

Or say "Your friend is welcome to pick them up. But I'm not trekking to Reading!"

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 20:16

oh that is not on. she wants it back she can bloody well collect it.

sorry it turned out sour. and I have to say that if they were truly introduced as gifts it is cheeky to ask them back. poor you

(what I described in my pp is based on a prior mutual understanding that "I'm lending you these clothes, would like back what survives for future use, but don't worry as none are too precious".
all happy with that. I never lend anything I want to keep and won't borrow precious things.)

brokenhearted55a · 29/12/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur · 29/12/2014 20:34

I'd just tell her the box is at your place and she is welcome to have them at her convenience. She's only punishing you if you let her.

Don't meet her halfway. It's her problem now.

MiaowTheCat · 29/12/2014 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 29/12/2014 20:41

I'd just give them back, doesn't seem worth it.

The fact she's only now said it's a loan is very annoying.

Saki5000 · 29/12/2014 20:42

OP, I would just keep the clothes and use them. It is ridiculous of your friend to expect you to send them to Reading.

I don't think that many of my children's clothes were in good condition by the time my second daughter had used them so the idea of passing them backwards and forwards seems a bit strange. Perhaps some people buy a lot of clothes though so their babies don't wear them many times (I didn't buy many but the ones I did buy got washed a lot).

AliceLidl · 29/12/2014 20:44

To the people saying they don't know what the problem is, it's that the OP's friend didn't say it was a loan.

She gave the OP the clothes, then later on decided she wanted them back to pass on to someone else.

That's the problem. If you lend somebody something, you say so when you ask them if they want to borrow it. You give them the chance to say yes or no to the loan.

You don't give somebody something and then change your mind a few weeks later because you've 'given' it to somebody else as well.

OP do not do this at your own expense.

Contact your friend and say that you cannot afford to post them to her friend so either her friend arranges a courier to collect them at her own expense or you will put the clothes away until your friend decides she can come and get them.

And expect Facebook to be filled with hissy statuses complaining about doing people favours and next time she won't bother.

minitoot · 29/12/2014 20:49

I think she sounds really weird and controlling and Lady Bountiful-esque. YANBU. Who gives a gift and then asks for it back? I'd send the whole lot back now, yes. can't be bothered with that attitude. Once you give someone something (and second hand baby clothes of all things!), it's theirs to pass on, take to charity shop, or do whatever they want with. I'm amazed she wants the hassle of having them back and moving them around like some kind of chess piece!

minitoot · 29/12/2014 20:51

Oh wait - she wants YOU to pass them on? No. Just no.

Tryharder · 29/12/2014 20:58

Depends on the brands. I could understand the fuss if its Ralph Lauren or even White Company but not Primark or George.

TBH, I would say as politely as possible that you don't feel organised enough to make sure everything is passed on to the second friend and hence would she like them back now before you've had a chance to mix everything up with what you've already bought.

PrettyLittleMitty · 29/12/2014 21:27

Pay to post reading? No chance. Tell her you will send them to her/keep until she can collect. She is being very cheeky.

dustarr73 · 29/12/2014 21:30

If your friend dropped the clothes off to you,its up to her to collect them.And if you collected them off her,just drop them back to her.There is too much scope for you being blamed for something if the clothes go missing.

CecilyP · 29/12/2014 21:46

Your friend obviously wants to be seen to be generous when, in truth, she is not very generous at all. She now wants you to go to the expense of sending the clothes to her other friend instead of collecting and giving them herself. Just as well you found out now, and not when you had a little baby to look after. Just ask her to collect them when it is convenient - she has got between now and April!

She wasn't being fair to you, but neither would she have been being fair to the other friend. The babies will be much too close in age to make it practicable. She would be promising stuff for the April baby, 'as soon as my other friend has finished with it' while you would have to get washed, dried and sorted and back to friend, for her to then send it off to Reading. It's even a tall order if April baby fits new born stuff while your baby is growing out of 0-3 months, but after that 3-6 months and April baby might need it while it still fits yours, so her mum is going to have to buy all the clothes she needs anyway!

ocelot41 · 29/12/2014 21:46

I think it is reasonable to either offer to drop them back to your friends or ask the lady in Reading to meet with you or come fetch them if she wants them.

But I really can't believe how wound up many of the comments on this thread have become. Really, a friend was trying to help you - if she didnt give a monkeys, she would have sold the lot and pocketed the cash, wouldnt she?

All this aggro is just over a different approach to sharing, its not worth spoiling any friendships over. I can understand that if you are pregnant you are tired and have lots of other things to think about.

At the same time, maybe it would be nice to think of helping the other mum to be as good karma? Or a bit of sisterly solidarity if you prefer? You know, 'from each, according to her ability, to each according to their needs' sort of thing? After all, you don't know her circumstances, there's a heck of a lot of people unemployed right now and even some of those who are working are having to visit food banks.

Without wanting to be sanctimonious about this, if your friend was so keen to help this other woman out, maybe she is in real trouble?