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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 19/12/2014 19:49

YANBU. It's her DD's choice not hers.

I would understand the mums frustration if her DD was 16 or younger but at at 18 it's ridiculous.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 19/12/2014 19:49

Wow. She's a twat, really. Her daughter is an adult and it's nothing to do with her mum if she gets a tattoo!

Romeorodriguez · 19/12/2014 19:50

The woman is mad, her daughter s an adult. She is just looking for people to blame and you are right just to ignore the crazy behaviour and refuse to consult her.

hesterton · 19/12/2014 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tzibeleh · 19/12/2014 19:52

YANBU

I don't like tattoos, would never get one, and hope my dc don't either.

And I still say YANBU.

BiscuitsofYum · 19/12/2014 19:52

I will be honest... I would not be happy if my DC came home with a tattoo... But at 18 years they are old enough to make their own choices whether they turn out to be a stupid mistake or a good decision.. How else will they learn to be responsible if they don't have the chance to make their own decisions?!

YANBU!!!

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 19/12/2014 19:54

YANBU - she sounds crazy.

AgathaF · 19/12/2014 19:54

She's shocked and upset and lashing out at someone, anyone, to blame. Just happens that she has fixed on you. It's not your fault, of course. She needs to accept that her DD is an adult.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 19/12/2014 19:54

Did you know the other girl planned to get a tattoo also?

Hassled · 19/12/2014 19:55

There was no way on earth any of this was your fault. The other mother is misdirecting her anger.

My DD had a tattoo done at 18. I hate the things myself, but it's her body, her random pointless sunflower on her leg.

Bulbasaur · 19/12/2014 19:55

18 is still very young. Children don't just suddenly turn 18 and magically become mature.

But that's part of growing up, getting all the freedom to do whatever you want with it, and then understanding why you don't do that.

She needs to talk to her daughter and take it up with her. If she's living in her house and is expected to follow her mothers rules while she's there, then that's between those two. You have no need to get involved with it.

In any case, her daughter has made it quite clear she has no wish to let her mother control her. Good luck to her letting go. Grin

LadyLuck10 · 19/12/2014 19:56

The mother sounds like a nutjob. Does she really think her daughter is 5 yo and can be told what to do by another adult.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 19/12/2014 19:56

She's over 18 - she can get a tattoo or even a genital piercing if she likes, and nobody can stop her.

I work as a piercer, I deal with this all the time. Her mum can fuss all she wants, but I will always calmly point out that her daughter was legally able to make her own choices.

SirChenjin · 19/12/2014 19:56

One one hand, she's an adult and can make her own decisions regarding tattoos (god awful things that they are)

One the other, yes, I would have checked that her Mum knew, especially given the long standing close friendship and the fact that I'd known her and her Mum for many years.

MmeLindor · 19/12/2014 19:59

I'd be pissed if my 18 year old went off and got a tattoo without talking to me, and I'd probably be angry that you didn't check, but ultimately the girl is 18yrs old and officially an adult.

She isn't being unreasonable to be upset, but she is being unreasonable to blame you.

Original poster
han3459 · 19/12/2014 20:00

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Yes I did, I just assumed her mum knew but to be honest even if she didn't I don't get the problem. If my DD came home with a tattoo I wouldn't be annoyed in the slightest. It's her life :)

OP posts:
WhyTheFace · 19/12/2014 20:01

It's hard, I think, when your child turns 18 and is suddenly able to make stupid arse decisions!

My DS turns 18 in May and I'm sure the first thing he'll do is go out and get half his bloody arm scribbled on (FOREVER), but I will have to suck it up as much as I will want to shout and scream.

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

arlagirl · 19/12/2014 20:02

She sounds like my STBEH.
He hates tattoos.

When we divorce I shall gave a very small discreet one.

arlagirl · 19/12/2014 20:02

have

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 19/12/2014 20:03

She's batshit. Especially when she's demanding you phone to get her approval for her eighteen yo DD to do something!

Still, you have to pity the poor woman, it's going to be one fuck of a learning curve! [ fgrin]

Her poor DD must be mortified.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 20:05

Yanbu. The friend's mum is barking mad. Her daughter is an adult and it is her skin so her choice.

For what it's worth I am tattoo crazy and dh and I are covered in them (dh to the point of his face, neck and hands being the only "free" areas). I got my first one aged 18 and I have never regretted it and never will (I am now very middle aged). If her daughter wants a tattoo and has thought about it carefully then good for her.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/12/2014 20:06

OP gave the girl a lift. She could have got the bus. It isnt the responsibility of the OP to check permission for anything another persons adult dc does.

OP rest assured you have done nothing wrong, and the other mother is nuttier than squirrel shit.

AgathaF · 19/12/2014 20:10

I think there is a reason why the girl didn't discuss her planned tattoo with her mother. Probably something to do with her mother's controlling and small minded attitude.

Cooki3Monst3r · 19/12/2014 20:10

You cannot possibly be responsible for parenting someone else's adult off-spring.

Mother is clearly a complete oddball. Forget it.

Andrewofgg · 19/12/2014 20:24

ThinkIveBeenHacked Grin at nuttier than squirrel shit

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