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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/12/2014 22:25

Christ on a bike. No wonder 18 yr old kids have their mothers ringing in work sick for them Hmm

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:26

Bigblue if you are seriously interested in tattoos (clearly I don't think you are and that's fine) then there are plenty of fantastic artists on instagram you can have a look at. Many people are tattoo collectors, the artists are famous within their circles and people travel hundreds of miles (sometimes even across oceans) to visit a chosen artist to have work done by them, usually specifically designed for that client with an idea that client has supplied.

Then of course you get people that don't choose so carefully, that just visit the nearest tattoo studio good or bad without researching just to get "a tattoo".

And there are those who compromise somewhere in the middle!

There is a real tattoo snob culture! Grin

But the one thing that is clear is that there is no "type" of person that gets tattooed anymore. It just isn't like that now.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:28

fairy= but you mentioned "tattoo culture"- ??

WhyTheFace · 19/12/2014 22:29

The stuff I liked at 18 is light years away from the stuff I like at 42. I have many friends who have tattoos that they had done in their teenage years that are cripplingly embarrassing as Middle aged people - I'm thinking mostly of my friend with a tweety pie winking in her shoulder and a family member with a cartoon red devil on his bicep [so cool]

I'd have probably had a marijuana leaf, or maybe "slippery when wet" on my inner thigh when I was a daft 18 year old had tattoos been as fashionable then as they are now.

Oh! I have a friend who was a punk and she has agonised over the Indian ink tats she gave herself as a stupid 16 year old.

I don't judge people with tats, I'm very much in the minority of my friends and family in NOT having them, and I'm sure my children will have some and that's fine. I dunno though, I look at my 17.5 year old son (who already has a stretched ear hole that he regrets) and I just hope he doesn't do anything he regrets. I have told him to do a rough sketch of what he wants and stick it on his bedroom wall. If he can stand looking at it every day for a year then he will probably not hate looking at it after 30 years Grin

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:32

I think that 'it isn't how they were brought up' was quite serious. There are many parents who think that they get to have control not only of their children's actions but of what they think! There are many on MN who treat 18yr old adults like 15 yr olds.
Don't get involved OP - there is no need to discuss it with her.

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:33

I recall that StrIctly contestant last year with the ghastly, garish heart tattoo., it was difficult to see beyond that. I would hate if my DCs were in a job interview and had that elephant in the room. I see no advantage.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:34

Bigblue, yes I meant culture in terms of appreciating the art and the technique and the history. The history of tattooing itself is quite varied and amazing. There isn't a particular group of people who get tattoos but there is a diverse following who all appreciate the main idea. Maybe I used culture wrong but it was clear what I meant.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:34

Interesting that you are in the minority whytheface.

None of my immediate family have tattoos- neither do my OHs family. None of my friends, very few of my gym buddies and no one close to me at work ( who have told me. I have never had a boyfriend, best friend or a partner with a tattoo- and I have had a number of relationships. I must not move in "tattoo circles"

53Dragon · 19/12/2014 22:36

But Fairy there's a 'type' of person that discriminates against people with visible tattoos... and they're often the 'type' of people interviewing you for a job. You can't go into the Police with visible tattoos - are you the 'type' of person who wouldn't want a career like that?
I got fed up with my wallpaper after about 5 years - and now it isn't even fashionable any more. Fortunately it was a simple job to strip it off, unlike a permanent mark on my skin.
Love tattoos by all means, but understand that there is still huge prejudice against them and it can deny young people opportunities.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:36

Interestingly enough dh and I are the only ones in our families with tattoos. And we each had them before we met each other. No idea what prompted either of us to like them or get them. Both our families are not very keen. It's just an interest or hobby I guess.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 22:37

I'm sure you find lots of family values that other people hold hilarious, king. Bully for you. Ask yourself how a tattoo will benefit your child or those they come into contact with. They will not be a positive influence at all.

Yes. I've asked myself.

A drawing on someone's skin would make no difference to a lot of people. And if it does then I'd assume that person wasn't that smart. How a person behaves is what you go by, not how they look.

Don't judge people by their skin. Ever.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 19/12/2014 22:38

Op, for future reference it goes like this "can we have a lift? Me and batshitsdd are getting tattoos" "that's nice dear, of course. Make sure batshitsdd knows I knew nothing" "ok, cheers mum".

The dd is an adult, the mum hasn't worked that out yet. For your own sanity try to stay out of the direct middle of those dynamics. Luckily this dd sounds like a strong and self possessed young lady who won't be cowed by her mother. I put money that she'll be a force in the future.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:39

53 yes I totally understand that and I think until a young person knows what they want to do with their life they would be limiting their career choices by getting highly visible tattoos. On the other hand society is becoming more accepting of tattoos and i'm sure in years to come it won't be such a huge issue anymore.

Dh wears a suit to work everyday and people are always surprised he has any tattoos. It's not something we advertise. We get them because we like them.

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:40

If someone artificially changes their appearance, they have to be open to some element of judgment.

HouseBaelish · 19/12/2014 22:40

Growing up parents didn't have tattoos.

I got tattoos, DSis (waves) got tattoos. Mother liked and got tattoos.

Married STBXH, he has never had tattoos/piercings. New chap has massive tattoo, number of piercings.

Joffrey

BrockAuLit · 19/12/2014 22:41

I agree that OP had nothing to do with it. What I don't get is why the bar is set at legality?

Just because something is legal, does that make it ok?

Do people not generally exercise their own judgement and reach their own moral/value-based thresholds of what's ok?

Just because the girl is old enough to not be criminally punished for getting a tattoo, does it necessarily follow that it is IN ALL RESPECTS ok for her to have it done? I don't think so (not because I hate tattoos, but because I think 18 is too young to make any decisions for life), and although she was probably speaking out of anger, the girl's mum was probably getting at this.

A tattoo is a big deal, and 18 is the cusp of adulthood. I think it's okay for a responsible adult to check - with the girl herself, maybe in the car on the way into town - that she knows what she's doing, and everything's okay?

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 22:42

If someone artificially changes their appearance, they have to be open to some element of judgment.

Could say the same about lipstick and wonderbras, though.

I own neither, by the way.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:42

I think many get tattoos in part to provoke a reaction. Want to be a bit cutting edge or "alternative".

Trouble is tats are so common now they just look banal.

WhyTheFace · 19/12/2014 22:43

Well my mum hasn't got one or my nan, or my uncles, my dad didn't have one but all my cousins do, most of my aunts and almost all of my friends!

Lots of base of the spine ones, lots of Celtic bands, lots of Chinese symbols which probably mean "don't step on the grass" rather than "peace is beautiful". Most of these ones are put up with rather than loved now.

My cousin has a very beautiful tattoo of little butterflies on her wrist which is lovely, my oldest friend has some gorgeous little daisies. A male cousin of mine has some beautiful work as part of a sleeve. I can appreciate the beauty of some tattoos but I am slightly obsessional about things and know I would drive myself crazy if I had anything permanent on my body that I could criticise but not change (without a financial outlay) DYKWIM?

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 22:44

Why do they have to be open to some element of judgement, Merry?

No one has the right to judge another person based on their appearance.

Sorry if you think I'm being pedantic, but I genuinely can't understand this view. Many moons ago, perhaps - but surely as a society we are far less closed minded than we once were?

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:45

Lipstick and bras are not permanent. Let's agree that laser removal is imperfect at best.

Lipstick tends to enhance beauty, rather that detract from it a la tattoos.

SamCroClaus · 19/12/2014 22:45

Fairylea how can you be a tattoo collector??

AlexD72 · 19/12/2014 22:47

I hope the mother had a word with her DD as well as shouting at you? She's passing the blame. Her DD is more than aware I'm sure of her mothers stance on tattoos. She decided to get it done not you. I have a tattoo and I would not want my DD to get a tattoo purely because I wish I had not had it done. But having said that what can I do when she reaches an age where she can have it done? I do hope I'm not shouting down the phone at her friends mother!!!!!!

SamCroClaus · 19/12/2014 22:47

my lad is an adult, he doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, he doesn't even drink coffee or tea (really)
so him having a love of good tatts.......does not worry me at all.

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:48

Whether parents or family have them or not, whether you like them or not, whether you think they will be judged on them or not is irrelevant. There is only one point and that is that the DD was an adult, she decided to have one and her mother has no say. I expect she didn't tell her mother first because she knew she would try and talk her out of it. The mother is a bit bonkers if she thinks it was OP's fault for giving a lift!

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