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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
53Dragon · 19/12/2014 22:49

My window cleaner became such a recluse because of hating his tattoos that he was able to get them removed on the NHS because of the psychological harm he was suffering.

Someone should invent tattoo ink that disappears after 5 years Smile

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:49

A tattoo collector is a term used to describe someone who visits different tattoo artists to get tattoos done by them - a bit like collecting artistic autographs in a way I guess. Lots of popular tattoo artists are like celebrities with very long waiting lists sometimes up to 2 years or even longer. People like to get on the list and visit them and "collect" a piece of their work.

Merry it's a question of personal opinion whether something is considered to enhance beauty or not. Plenty of people consider tattoos beautiful and lipstick horrid. It's subjective.

DisneyDivaWoo · 19/12/2014 22:51

I got my tattoo at 19. My mam was furious but I got it done anyway because I wanted it. I have 5 now and she.still hates them but understands it's my choice. It made me laugh as everyone I know except my DD has tattoos... including my mam.
She will come round eventually - if she rings to shout abuse again tell her to loosen the apron strings a bit
YANBU Smile

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 22:51

What the non-tattooed people don't get is that tattoos become part of you.

Mine all symbolise something important to me. Some are subtle (moon on my wrist) and some are not (Skylander on my stomach). I work with elderly people (who love my tattoos) and they forget a lot of things. I don't want that, so I've had my memories bludgeoned into my flesh.

I'm fairly certain that no one has ever judged me on them. And if they did then meh, they're not really worth bothering with.

I get used to stuff quickly though. When I had emergency surgery on my hand I was genuinely chuffed to have the scar as a reminder (almost lost my thumb - was quite a big deal).

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:52

Quite plainly the DD got a tattoo without telling her mother - despite the fact she must have know her views and what her reaction would be. She was hardly going to be deterred by a lack of a lift.

Windywenceslas · 19/12/2014 22:53

Some of the comments here read like the comments section of the Daily Mail.

If you don't like tattoos, don't have them, but what another adult does with their body is not your concern and it's foolish to judge anyone based on appearances.

OP, you did nothing wrong, they were going to get it done anyway, whether you took them or not. That woman sounds batshit.

Also Confused at the "not how they were brought up comment" I was brought up not to do all sorts of things, but as an adult I make my own choices.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:53

If my DD wanted a tramp stamp I certainly wouldn't give her a lift there.

That would certainly seal the fate.

I couldn't stop her, but she may decide not to bother that day at least, the next day she may feel a little differently. If there was only 0.1% chance that by having a delay to her plans may mean her change her mind then that is a chance I would hope for.

By giving a lift then the fate is sealed.

WhyTheFace · 19/12/2014 22:54

Why thankyou mehitabel6 for bringing us all back to the relevant point. God forbid threads should dissolve into chatting on tangents.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:55

A skylander!! God save us! I bet you will love that in 10 years time.

DisneyDivaWoo · 19/12/2014 22:57

So what if she doesn't bigbluestar.... she's an adult that can do as they please.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 19/12/2014 22:57

It's only on MN that I find these weird and hilariously archaic attitudes about tattoos. IME in real life, having a tattoo is no more comment-worthy or morally suspect than having pierced ears.

All my father's sisters have tattoos - they are all now in their 60s - one nearly 70. I see very respectable older women and men with tattoos (including sleeves) quite frequently. My DS's nanny (a grandmother) has tattoos and facial piercings. Many people I know who are inked hold down very well paid and respectable corporate jobs. Some of the comments here must be satire.

18 year olds can join the army, drive, have children, get married and vote. A tattoo is the least of it.

SamCroClaus · 19/12/2014 22:58

Fairylea thanks, I was worried it was like "the bone collector"

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 22:59

A skylander!! God save us! I bet you will love that in 10 years time.

Yes, I will. Will remind me of playing Skylanders with DS (who is growing up quickly) and I will smile every time I see it, especially knowing that's there forever.

There's other reasons too but they're a bit personal. Is why it's on my stomach, not an area I show off, it's just for me.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 23:00

If the skylander is personal why would it be a source of regret? The key is to get something that matters to you, not to anyone else. I have a ladybird on my hip on a massive flower. Sure it's just a ladybird to everyone else but to me it's a memory of looking for ladybirds in the hospital grounds with my grandad when I was little when my mum was being sectioned for mental illness when I was little. It's about finding peace in the simplest of things. It doesn't matter if others think it's a daft ladybird. It isn't to me and that's fine.

Plenty of people do get tattoos just because they like them though. There doesn't always have to be some deep meaning behind it. My dh tends to just get things because he thinks they look nice but then I guess when you have hardly any spare skin left you run out of ideas!

53Dragon · 19/12/2014 23:02

Of course it's foolish to judge people on appearances, but many do. If I employed someone in a role that involved mixing with the public I would recognise that some of my customers would be prejudiced against tattoos so I'd choose a non tattooed person unless the tattooed one was so exceptional that they stood out as being streets ahead.
I don't mind tattoos on other people but I'd be making a business decision, simple as that.

Windywenceslas · 19/12/2014 23:02

Kingjoffrey I'm not tattooed, but I understand that what you're saying. Not all untattooed people judge.

I think tattoos can be beautiful, but even if they're not to my taste, I have the decency to recognise it's got fuck all to do with me. Not my skin, not my business. I'd take the same attitude to my daughters if they came home with a tattoo at 18. If it were on their face I'd be upset about it, but it still wouldn't be my business.

I had a conversation with my colleagues and they were shocked, but honestly, raising girls I think I'll have bigger worries going on without concerning myself with tattoos!

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 23:05

We sum people up in about 2 seconds- you can't help it!
I make assumptions about people on their posts- it is automatic. A human condition.

RandomFriend · 19/12/2014 23:05

I would be very unhappy if my daughter came home with a tattoo.

I would also be unhappy about someone having driven her there and back to get it. But I wouldn't call them to complain and blame.

Windywenceslas · 19/12/2014 23:05

Sorry an erroneous "that" got in there Blush

Windywenceslas · 19/12/2014 23:10

Mehitabel - you may judge someone based on their tattoos, I wouldn't any more than I might look at an outfit and think "that's horrific" or "that's beautiful" but I wouldn't pass judgement on their character or intelligence. I think it's quite narrow-minded given how popular tattoos are these days.

Bonsoir · 19/12/2014 23:10

I think it is probably wise to avoid situations in which you could be accused by another parent of conspiracy with or aiding and abetting their DC to do something they may not approve of.

QueenInTheNorth · 19/12/2014 23:13

YANBU, the girl is 18, and could have gone and gotten the tattoo without your 'involvement'. If she wants a tattoo the law says she can get one, without her mummy's say so. The mother is clearly mental, and has her own issues with her daughter!

WillkommenBienvenue · 19/12/2014 23:13

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to.

If you want us to explain why you need to - a tattoo is a mark that stays on someone's body forever. For you to take her there, knowing her parents were generally strict and not ask her whether she had permission is at best lazy and thoughtless and at worst passive aggressive.

I would be absolutely furious with you if it was my daughter. I would have expected you to show a little concern and interest.

ravenAK · 19/12/2014 23:18

How 'strict' her parents may have been in the past is irrelevant - she's of age. No permission required.

The young woman may need to clarify the changed situation with her mum, but OP has no dog in the fight - she gave her adult dd, plus dd's adult friend, a lift.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 23:20

I would be absolutely furious with you if it was my daughter. I would have expected you to show a little concern and interest.

But the daughter is 18. Legal age for a tattoo. She made the choice, got in the car, walked through the tattoo artist's door, sat in the chair and handed over the cash. The OP had little to do with it.

At what age would the OP stop asking the other girl's mum for permission to give her a lift somewhere she may disapprove of? 22? 27? 40?

If that was my child I'd assume they made their own decision. I wouldn't lay any blame at the person who drove him there.

No one has any right to shout at the OP. No one.