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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:07

Of course she was complicit. If she was giving a lift to a robber knowing he was going to rob a bank you think she had no involvement? Would the police see it that way?

Just an example of course, but of course the OP was complicit. You think the OP gave a lift to the tattoo parlour not knowing what the girls were going to do there? Bonkers.

She took the girls to the tattoo parlour which means she did have an involevement/

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:08

I would be gutted if any of my DCs got a tattoo. Or smoked. It's not how they were brought up.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2014 22:10

Amerry as adults you cannot control them or tell others how to parent.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:13

Oh for goodness sakes. So what if she paid for the woman to have the tattoo as a gift?! Hypothetically of course. It would still be none of the mums business.

As someone who is tattooed I don't understand why some people feel it is their right to express their judgement over tattoos. By all means don't like them but there's no need to get so angry about it.

As for "that's not how they were brought up" Hmm .... how exactly do you perceive people with tattoos to be? Because I can safely say all kinds of people get tattoos from all kinds of backgrounds. Myself and dh are educated and have a good career background. I was accepted into Oxford and had a scholarship to a very good private school in London.

Still love tattoos. It's just a picture or a piece of art on skin. That's all.

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:13

I can see why she was upset- I hate tattoos. However that isn't the point. Her DD is an adult and her mother simply doesn't have a say. Her DD decided, who went with her, or who gave her a lift, is utterly irrelevant.
How they were brought up is not necessarily anything to do with their decisions as adults!

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:13

Is merry suggesting control? I don't see that.

merry my kids think tattoos are hideous. Thankfully.

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:14

Ugh. Repeat that when you are 60, fairy.

IAmNotAMindReader · 19/12/2014 22:14

Ask the police how they view an adult giving other adults a lift to a perfectly legal establishment to perform a perfectly legal activity. How do you think they would react? They would tell you it is perfectly legal. Therefore the analogy used here is inaccurate in the wider context of the situation at hand.

I believe most people are reacting to the immoral and illegal connotations of the word complicit.

There's no denying involvement however that involvement means absolutely nothing when there is nothing wrong with what the OP did. The DDs friend was an adult making an informed choice about a perfectly legal act therefore any further questioning, debate, permissions or check ups with anyone else were not needed. The only person it concerned after that was the adult making the decision.

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:15

'How they were brought up' assumes that they actually agree with all the decisions of the parents- very rare.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/12/2014 22:15

AMerryScot - "I would be gutted if any of my DCs got a tattoo. Or smoked. It's not how they were brought up."

It's not how I was brought up either. But here I am, with several tattoos that my mother Refuses To Discuss. I also smoked for a number of years. And don't get me started on the piercings and purple hair.....

Mehitabel6 · 19/12/2014 22:16

There are some parents who simply won't let go- and think they still can control another adult!

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 22:17

Wow - judgemental much Hmm

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:18

"art" mmmm- not tattoos I have seen, most are just childish graffitti scribbles.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 22:18

When I'm 60 I can guarantee I will be happy with my body. The people that tend to regret tattoos just have one or two when they are in their late teens or early 20s to be in "fashion", which is fine. But there is a whole section of tattooed people who embrace the whole culture and art of tattoos. Like most elderly people I suspect when I'm 80 or so I will be more concerned that I can get to the toilet on my own or remain mentally intact that what my skin looks like. Let's face it at 80 or so we are all going to be wrinkled up anyway. Might as well enjoy your skin while you have good skin and do what you want with it.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 22:18

Am I the only person who pissed themselves laughing at the "It's not how they were brought up." comment?

I assumed it was a joke..!

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 22:20

That's your opinion BigBlue - nothing more. I find your statement offensive tbh. And goady.

And I say that as someone with no tattoos/each ear pierced once/only ever dyed my hair when I started to go grey.

gamerchick · 19/12/2014 22:21

This thread has made me howl Grin because yanno you can have control over your adult offspring.

Op. When she contacts you next tell her it's not your job to parent somebody elses adult kids and to give her head a wobble and repeat if necessary.

Man there are some on this thread I would like to say the same too.

53Dragon · 19/12/2014 22:21

Hang on a minute folks...

Yes of course the 18yo is an adult and can make her own decisions without input from her mother. But if I were in the OP's position I wouldn't be justifying my actions and getting into an argument. The mother is upset (so would I be) so a bit of sympathy would've been a more tactful way to defuse the situation.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 22:21

What is the "culture of tattoos" fairylea?

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 22:22

Not sure how sympathetic I'd be if someone was screaming down the phone at me.....

AMerryScot · 19/12/2014 22:22

I'm sure you find lots of family values that other people hold hilarious, king.

Bully for you.

Ask yourself how a tattoo will benefit your child or those they come into contact with. They will not be a positive influence at all.

girliefriend · 19/12/2014 22:23

I would be upset if my dd got a tattoo as I don't like them and 18 is young, however Op you haven't done anything wrong and the other mum had no right to speak to you like that.

53Dragon · 19/12/2014 22:24

I bet the 'adult offspring' is living rent free under her mother's roof. Mine are 19 and 21 and expected to be considerate - tell me what time to expect them back etc. None of which they have to do as adults but it's common courtesy.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 22:24

Yes, an overbearing, aggressive, batshit crazy mother is going to be a FAR more positive influence on someone's life than a tattoo could ever be Hmm

HouseBaelish · 19/12/2014 22:24

It's not how they were brought up

Arf.