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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

165 replies

tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 18:31

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 08/12/2014 18:36

I assume the DC does not live with you? In which case you're asking if its OK that someone ex doesn't know exists is responsible for her child/spending a lot of time with her child?

I think ex needs to know.

KneeQuestion · 08/12/2014 18:37

I think on something as big as him introducing his children to you, he should have had the curtesy to let his exwife know, rather than hearing about it from the children on their return, hopefully the children took it well.

Have they been split long?

Dumpylump · 08/12/2014 18:37

Depending on how old your dps kids are, his ex does know by now.....it's just that he's not the one who's told her.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 18:45

The DC are with him 3 days a week. I've been spending weekends, or parts of weekends anyway, with them for the last couple of months, basically from when we'd been together for 6 months (wanted to leave it that long so we both knew it was longterm).

DC are under 7. I don't know if they've said anything to their mum about me. She hasn't asked DP about me/us, so we don't think they have.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 08/12/2014 18:49

It's really only basic courtesy for one parent to ensure that the other is informed of certain things. A significant relationship with someone who is spending time with their child is something that ought to be shared. It's just polite.

fuctifino · 08/12/2014 18:49

If I was the ex-w, I'd want to know.

Surely it is common courtesy on his part to mention you.

Boot on the other foot, how would your dp feel if his ex-w had somebody and he found out secondhand from somebody else or by the dc mentioning it in passing?

Infinity8 · 08/12/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 08/12/2014 18:53

I agree with your friend. It's a basic courtesy to your children's other parent when you're going to be taking a new partner out with your children, and it's disrespectful to both the children's and the mothers feelings not to tell them.

He has the right to choose not to tell her as it's up to him who he mixes with on his contact time, but I don't think it makes him a nice person to make that choice.

Riverland · 08/12/2014 18:53

I think it discourteous in the extreme to not let the mother of those children know who is with them, when they are out of her care.

MollyHoHoHoHooper · 08/12/2014 18:54

Very strange on his behalf not to mention you at all.

Why hasn't he?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/12/2014 18:58

Very bad form. Things like this should be discussed and agreed apon by the parents together. Its only decent

pinkyredrose · 08/12/2014 19:00

Sounds like he's keeping you a secret.

KneeQuestion · 08/12/2014 19:01

If it's been happening for a couple of months, chances are the children will have mentioned you.

IMO, it should all be out in the open.

It can be difficult for the children, with feelings of conflicting loyalties at the best of times.

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/12/2014 19:01

If they're not on great terms then there doesn't seem to be any point in creating more animosity for the sake of it.
Presumably (given the shared care arrangement in place) his ex trusts him as a parent, as he does her?

In cases of shared care where parents are not amicable, the phrase "parallel parenting" is often used. It basically means that each parent allows the other to get on with the business of parenting without interference.
Co-parenting is obviously better for everyone, but at least parallel parenting avoids conflict over things that are just disagreements over parenting style.

So, in light of the animosity between them, I'd say YANBU.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/12/2014 19:04

Even in parallel parenting big things like a possible step parent or parental figure it would be the done thing to inform or discus

lunar1 · 08/12/2014 19:06

I'm with your friend. Your boyfriend should have told her. I think it's really bad that he hasn't. He is basically leaving his children to tell her. That seems like pretty poor parenting to me.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 19:07

Like I said, they're not on great terms. He tried to be amicable with her initially for the sake of the DC but that didn't work out. Now there is very little communication between them, so it's not like he could casually mention it in conversation because they don't really have any kind of conversations.

OP posts:
Fanfeckintastic · 08/12/2014 19:08

I think it's disgraceful to you and the ex wife that he hasn't had the decency to mention it. Very odd/off

lemisscared · 08/12/2014 19:11

You are creating a problem for yourselves if this is a long term relationship. If those children go home and mention you, which they will, of course they will, she is bound to ask what they have been up to, she is going to go ballistic. He needs to be honest and up front.

I would be worried about being in a relationship with someone who was so dishonest, does he say why they split up, do you believe him?

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 19:13

Don't you think it's strange and discourteous of your partner to you to keep you a secret like this?

If they are under 7 and you hope to be a long term fixture don't you want to meet her?

Surely you talk to these children about their mum? Don't they talk to you?

Why the secrets anyway? Not much of a start to a serious relationship.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/12/2014 19:16

I thought it was common courtesy for Ex partners to let each other know if there is someone so significant in their lives that they want to introduce the children.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 19:17

They don't communicate?

How nice for these children. Are you sure you want to be involved in this op?

This pair are at the start of their parenting journey. 7 is nothing. What are they going to do when they are teenagers!

WooWooOwl · 08/12/2014 19:19

I'd have major concerns about seeing someone who has animosity in a relationship that saw them create children just a few years ago, and even more so because he thinks this animosity makes it ok for him to neglect to tell his co parent that his is doing something that could impact significantly on his children in the future.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 19:31

I'm quite surprised by how many people take the view this is terrible.

I wonder how many of you are actually divorced/separated and for whatever reason don't have an amicable relationship with your Exh or Exp?

I suspect a lot of you may (like my friend) be viewing this from the fortunate position of being in happy marriages. It's nice to think that if you divorced everything would stay pally but that often isn't possible.

As to meeting her, I really have no interest in doing so, why would I?!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 19:33

If this was me. I wouldn't want to know. If you trust your ex enough to look after the kids then he has the choice as to who he exposes them to. Be it friend, girlfriend, grandma etc.

Some ex w like to interfere but at least his looks like she's happy your dp is out of her life!