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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

165 replies

tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 18:31

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

OP posts:
listed · 08/12/2014 19:34

If you're taking the kids on days out, the ex w should know you exist.

Don't the kids say anything? Are you sure she doesn't know?

Why are you happy being a dirty little secret?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/12/2014 19:36

I'm divorced from one of my children's fathers its incredibly hostile

We still exchange significant information via our legal advisors and have doe for the 13 years we have been divorced.

mysteryfairy · 08/12/2014 19:37

She should be aware. It's really hard on the children to be spending a significant amount of time with someone they appear not to feel they can talk to their mum about.

listed · 08/12/2014 19:37

Quite the opposite tinker

I have an appalling relationship with my Exh and we don't communicate about anything. He wouldn't tell me about a girlfriend who was spending time with my son, because he's a tit.

That's what tits do.

WooWooOwl · 08/12/2014 19:40

I'm separated from my children's father. We are amicable now, but when I met my DH i had a very difficult relationship with my ex. I still knew I owed it to him to tell him that I would be introducing another significant adult into my children's family once I knew it was serious. He gave me the same courtesy.

Why wouldn't you want to meet the mother of children you think you're going to become a step parent to?

This thread is depressing.

listed · 08/12/2014 19:41

No one has mentioned meeting her have they? God I wouldn't be in the least bit interested in meeting you if you were my exh's current fling!

But if you were spending time with my son i would at least expect to know you exist.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 08/12/2014 19:41

Courtesy has been mentioned a few times.

Sod that. This is much much more important than a courtesy issue. Her children are spending a lot of time, presumably overnight stays too, with another person. I would be absolutely floored and very upset if I found out that had been happening for a prolonged period and I had not known.

As for your last post, quite simply, you don't have children, do you? Because if you did, you would understand how critical it is for a parent to know who is looking after their children, particularly so young as this.

Mrsstarlord · 08/12/2014 19:43

Been in your position OP, YABU. Rather than trying to find a way of not having to listen to other people I think you need to consider that they are right.

AgentProvocateur · 08/12/2014 19:45

Very bad form on your DP's part not to tell his ex. What other secrets is he keeping?

Rhymerocket · 08/12/2014 19:46

I am long time separated soon to be divorced. Not amicable and I can tell u here and now you should be telling her! If he thinks there is gonna be fall out if he does, he is making that fall out potentially much worse by keeping this from her. You need to tell her. This is a disgrace!

MammaTJ · 08/12/2014 19:47

I actually did not allow my DD to spend time with her Dad for a while.

He had left me, lied about the reasons there's no-one else, you are too lazy, too messy denied the existence of the OW. He said he could not have DD because his flat was mouldy!

He visited her at my house.

Then I got proof of the OW and her name! I confronted him with this, his reaction-well, now you know, DD can visit.

I got a solicitor on it and he said that basically, if I trusted ExH to have her, then I had to trust his choices over who DD mixed with while with him.

I did play around for a while, insisted eventually that I had to be there for the first meeting and then let them get on with it.

So, that is the legal position.

lunar1 · 08/12/2014 19:48

You should also remember that the way he treats his ex is how he would treat you if you split up.

Do you have children? I can't imagine how I'd feel if I didn't know who was spending significant amounts of time with my children.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 19:49

I'm hardly a dirty little secret, what an absurd comment.

I've met all his family and friends (none have any contact with his ExW, her choice).

We've certainly not told the DC not to mention me, or not to say where we've been, there's no way we'd want them to lie or feel uncomfortable. They may well have said something to their mum about me, all I can go on is that they never really talk about their mum when with us so possibly when they're with their mum they don't talk much about DP (and therefore may well not have mentioned me). And of course she's not asked DP anything. But of course she may well not be bothered enough to ask, which is fine if so.

OP posts:
listed · 08/12/2014 19:50

I bet the exW is a "crazy psycho bitch" is she? Smile

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/12/2014 19:56

One of the things ordered by the court in my situation (along with a huge huge list of other things my ex is prohibited from doing) is introducing new partners to our child without notifying me and if I disagree I have the option to prevent it happening.

Granted my situation is extream but it was one of the actions taken by my ex that was considered unsafe by the court.

With most things the court looks at each circumstance and the impact of prior behaviour when making a decision

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/12/2014 19:57

tinker

My parents separated when I was young. They had they courtesy to tell each other when they met their respective partners before they were introduced to my brother and I.

Do you have children? Would you be happy with them spending significant amounts of time with someone whom you had never met?

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 08/12/2014 19:58

I think it's well out of order that he hasn't told her out of courtesy.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 08/12/2014 19:59

I'm separated by the way and I would never do this to XH in a million years. Hugely disrespectful.

justmyview · 08/12/2014 20:02

I'd wonder why he's not mentioned your existence. Sounds controlling to me

lunar1 · 08/12/2014 20:02

You are referring you everything regarding you partner and his children as we and us. All of a sudden it's not him and his children, it's you as a couple and his children. You are becoming a step parent to his ex's children, which is fine.

But if this was my children I'd wonder what was wrong with you that meant you had to be a secret. And if I was in your position it would ring alarm bells that the man I was getting into a serious relationship with didn't tell the mother of his children about me.

Romeyroo · 08/12/2014 20:03

I am separated from DS dad nearly two years and he has been very hostile to the point that for quite some time, we only communicated through lawyers. One of the things I nonetheless do is email him weekly to say how DS is outside of his contact with DS. He raises any issues; I raise any issues; and that is the only purpose of the correspondence.

I am fairly sure he has a girlfriend (he stopped the hostility and harrassment!), but as DS has not been introduced, I have no need to know. If that person becomes part of DS life, then I need to know, if only so that I can respond appropriately to what DS says about her.

DDs dad managed to have a whole second family without telling me; I was suspicious as DD never went to his house but I presumed it was 'just' a girlfriend and that he would have to tell me at some point. He was rumbled when my friend saw them all in town!

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 20:03

No ones said she's a crazy bitch. His family described her as sour faced and selfish but that's the worst that's been said about her.

Fwiw, I do have DC of my own. I haven't spoken to their father for many years. I've no idea if he has or has had a gf in recent years, and even less interest. My Ex is a reasonable father, I have always left him to get on with it when he has our DC.

Just to clarify, I don't stay overnight with DP when the DC are there, and won't be doing so for some time yet.

OP posts:
Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 20:07

So if it's all fine and dandy why are you posting aibu?

Clearly you think you aren't and neither does your partner so what's the point?

Ppinks · 08/12/2014 20:13

I was in a very similar situation not long ago, but I'm the STBXW.
My ex and I have a good relationship, but for some reason he decided not to tell me about his relationship I assume has been going on for a while now.
My 5 year old mentioned it one day and tbh I felt sick about it, not because I still loved/had feelings for my ex but it felt like it was all done behind my back. Not nice thing to experience.

Your friends are right, the ex does need to know. If she takes the news well or not she has the right to know who her children spent time with.

Littleturkish · 08/12/2014 20:13

YABVU

How hard can it be to say- this weekend my new partner will be seeing the kids, her name is xx and we're reasonably serious and have been seeing each other for x months, just wanted you to know in case the kids have any questions.

They're children. Blended families are confusing. Forget about his relationship with his ex and put them first.