AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

[tinkerpigeon]

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

I don't think YABU

It's easy to judge others and say what you would do or expect in a situation.

You've clearly stated that there is no communication between your DP and his ex. I don't see the issue with him not telling her

Does she tell him everyone the children come into contact with when they are with her? Probably not. It works both ways I say.

Yes in an ideal world all adults involved should be civil and communicate freely but it cant always be that way

Don't worry OP. I don't see anything strange or wierd or anything about your situation.

There is a massive difference between someone you come into contact with and a serious partner who is going to be a big part of the kid's lives.

Perhaps the ex has a new partner too? Who knows?

The point is, each parent gets to make the choices for their children when they are with them.

It's not about the ex or what she needs to know.

What difference does it make when/if she finds out? None. Not one bit. It won't affect the children or the manner in which the father is caring for them. It only changes her knowledge on the situation, which suite frankly isn't an important issue

• quite not suite

Yet another AIBU? No, I'm not blah, blah, blah!! Jog on OP!!

Oh and btw, YABU!

I think it's a pretty awful situation to put the dc and exw in tbh. Dc come back from lovely day out with dad and start chatting, casually mention newgf. Mum then has split seconds to hear, understand, react, temper the reaction, think of something to say in response to whatever dc said and then say it in a convincing voice. The dc are at risk of picking up on that and ending up feeling awkward about talking about time with dad/upsetting mum and so on and so forth. It's a cheap trick that could be avoided with a simple text.

Oh, sorry, my "credentials" I've been the one finding out like that. It's shit. Your friend is right.

OP- as a parent can you not imagine how you would feel if you found out your children had been spending a considerable amount of time with someone you had not only never met, but didn't actually know existed?

But surely when parents are no longer together this is to be expected

The children do not only 'belong' to one parent. There must be huge areas of their lives that you no longer know about when they are with the other parent This includes meeting people that YOU don't know or going places that you've never been etc

When you strip all this away all your left with is how the mother must feel not having complete knowledge of everything in their child's life. It's about her feelings. Not those of her children. If the children are happy when they are with the other parent, then that's great isn't it? The exes just need to get over it and accept that there are two separate parents now bringing up their children and not a couple any more.

Telling a mother "you just need to get over it" about her children being regularly with a step mother type figure without her knowing is...HARSH and unnecessarily so... If we are to be harsh at all, why not be constructively harsh in favour of adult communication being respectful and say to the father of the children ' you have a problem communicating the basics to the mother of your children?? get over it!'

If your partner sometimes texts his ex then perhaps he could mention you are all going out at the wk'end. I'm a step parent & my husbands ex has always (been incredibly difficult) kept him informed regarding her partners (3 of them).

Children pick up on a lot more than we (adults) give them credit for. If the children haven't mentioned you, perhaps it's because they feel they shouldn't, if they have & have received a split second on the spot reaction, perhaps they'll feel they shouldn't mention you again, perhaps they've mentioned you & their mum has taken it in her stride & it's no biggy.

In my experience (both personally & professionally) with children in separated families who don't discus the other half of their lives, with the respective parent it boils down to feeling they aren't able to, irrespective to who that is a reflection on; either a parent who's asked/ insinuated that the child doesn't share info with the other parent, or a parent who is not interested in hearing about the other part of their child's life - either or I'd personally prefer a child to feel comfortable in talking to me than not.

Re your children, I do feel age has s lot to do with it, under 7 they're very little & will rely on adults for many different things - re teenager, young adult - I'd think crack on, with a little person, I would want to know who was caring for my children, who supports & helps & ultimately influences them. Not to control the situation, but because as a parent I feel it is my right to know if my children were to be introduced to somebody who may well become a significant part of their life.

I understand that you don't seem to share the majority of the views on here, but maybe switch it round. Why wouldn't your partner sent just one text message? That's all it would need to be.

What's the worst that can happen if you don't tell her (I personally would be crazy if I found out 3rd hand)

& possibly more importantly - what's the worst that can happen if you do tell her - she can't dictate who he spends time with, your not staying overnight with them, so clearly there is some thought going into the impact of their fathers new relationship on them.

Good luck ??

Riverland. Why is it harsh? I don't see it that way. It's about acceptance of something that is outwith your control. The other parent has equal rights to the decisions on the children

Regarding the communication, yes the father could be told to communicate with the mother, as you said, but equally the mother could communicate with the father. It appears in the ops case there is little or no communication between them. I can't see why the onus should rest on the father though. Like I said earlier for all the op knows the ex could have new partner too.

Yabu imo.

My ex didn't tell me about his new gf. Or when they got engaged 4 weeks later. Or when she fell pregnant 2 weeks after that.
But the dc knew. And they really struggled with whether they should tell me or not. They became so emotional all of a sudden and I didn't know why. Then I found out and could finally talk to them about it.

They said they didn't tell me as they didn't know how I'd feel and didn't want to make me sad :(

"Parallel parenting" ?

Holy fuck... (abuse excepted) is this really a "thing" ?

Are there no actual grown ups looking after all these kids ?

Its unfortunate but when a couple have split and there are DCs, you simply don't get to control the absent parents' love life. Well not unless something is still going on between and 2 of you and/or you are still heavily invested in each other. You won't always get to "vet" the new partner either, its not a given right. So, what to do really? Everyone is entitled to their life. As long as the DCs are safe and happy, thats what truly matters. Its sad DCs may be confused but they're going to be confused anyway by a parental split and there will be some awkward moments..everyone has to get on with their lives and this man may be a dickhead, hiding the fact he has a gf from his ex as he still has emotional attachment. Then again he may be simply choosing when he thinks is the best moment to mention gf. Who knows.

I think probably the saddest part is that for Under 7's - "all I can go on is that they never really talk about their mum when with us so possibly when they're with their mum they don't talk much about DP"Under 7 and already aware that they shouldn't talk about one parent in front of another.

My parents got divorced when I was a similar age and although my mum was very open, I vividly remember trying to tell her a story about what had happened during the day and then realizing I needed an "extra person" ie the Girlfriend but avoiding it so as not to hurt her feelings.

It may mean nothing to you or DP or even to the exW but at that age I think you are expecting to much of small kids to let them work out what should/shouldn't be said. If ExW knew you could - at least - reassure them they can and should feel free to talk about any person in their life in front of either their mum or dad.

If they can't hold a civil conversation then they are both ging to miss out on lots of details about what is going on in their children's lives when they are with the other parent. It would be polite for your DP to let his ex know about you. But the two of them obviously aren't polite to each other.

I think the thing that is a concern isn't that the ex's feelings might be hurt if she finds out from the DCs, but that the DCs aren't getting the sort of joined up parenting they deserve regardless of who is seeing whom. One or both of your DP and the ex ABVU to not talk amicably about their children and what is going on in their children's lives and what their children need. Your DP not telling his ex about you is niether here nor there given the rest of it.

Yes, you are being incredibly, massively, unreasonable and apparently have zero ability to empathise with these small DC you are becoming significant to.

Your DP is being a dick. Please remember that is how he will treat you one day. As if you don't matter.

My ex is abusive, as his DV program confirmed, and yet I would still keep him fully informed of this type of info (should there ever be any). Not only is it the courteous thing to do, it means he can parent his children to the best of his ability when he sees them (even if that has to be supervised).

How can any parent be the best parent they can be if they are kept in the dark about such a major part of their children's lives?? You are being cruel to those children. And stunningly lacking in insight.

Great parenting.

What anyfucker said. With bells on.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but plenty of "together" families use parallel parenting these days.

OP, YANBU. And though you already know this, you're not a 'dirty little secret' either.

The fact that it might hurt the ex's feelings not to be told is neither here nor there really is it? If the breakup was bad and not wanted by her, it will hurt her just as much to know and it will look like her ex is trying to rub it in. If she initiated the split, then she has no business getting hurt if her ex has moved on. She can only get involved if the kids start having serious problems with the new partner and talk to her about it. To be honest, I would only tell an ex about a new partner if he specifically asked and then it would just be a simple confirmation that I was seeing someone - this would be in case the new relationship didn't work out and I wouldn't want ex's input on that and also it's really not any of his business.

This has struck a chord with me.
I think YABVU. I find it hard to believe, as a mother yourself, that you don't think your boyfriends dcs mother has the right to know who her very young children is spending a significant amount of time with.
I have 2 Dds, under 7. Their father and I split in May. I would be horrified if my daughters were spending every other weekend with someone I knew nothing about. Not because I'm jealous or still want to be with my ex, but because a parent should know what their young children are doing, and with whom.
Discourteous and disrespectful in the extreme.
I would also be wary of your boyfriends motives for not telling his ex.

Knowing of their existence wouldn't mean that you really know anything about them though would it though? You couldn't possibly know them unless you became incredibly intrusive with either questioning of your ex as to their background or getting background checks done by a private agency - both of which are over-stepping boundaries. I don't think it's unfair to ask your children what they did and with whom on the access weekend though.

As a single parent, I would never introduce my children to a new partner without informing my ex, nor would he. Its disrespectful and more importantly weird and potentially damaging for the children.

Haven't read the whole thread but I have to say that my exH would never bother telling me about anyone he was seeing and who met DD and spent time with her, just as I don't think I need to tell him about anyone that I meet/spend time with while she is in my care.

I take her out with my friends to do shared activities often and she is getting to know my friends as people. I also have babysitters he does not know and I think that a partner who spends time with the children should be considered in the same way as my friends and babysitter. My parenting, my decision.

That said, he hates my parents and family and me, so he isn't going to like whatever I do, we are definitely not amicable - he just has to allow me to parent her my way in my time, and I extend him the same courtesy.

We are both adults and both parents and we care for her as well as we can.

We are equal shared care if that makes any difference.