AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

[tinkerpigeon]

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

So he has no legit reason for not even dropping her a text or note then

He doesn't text her though. They don't discuss the DC. The only texts he gets from her are please collect DC at X not Y, or please drop off DC at...etc.

If they exchanged messages of a less perfunctory nature, it would be easily done. Or certainly more easily than the current situation.

There's no excuse - however he has to do it, he should tell her. I would be furious if my child had been introduced to/spending time with my ex's new partner but nobody had the decency to let me know.

I would want know if my ex was introducing a woman to my child. I would tell him too If I was going introduce a new partner to our child. Sad that some parents are so uncivil they don't show any respect for each other.

Just because he does not do something it does not mean he can't

Why did your DP's ex want to split up with him?

Tbh OP I'm with you.
and I worry about a lot of tye posters who say they have a 'right to know' or would be furious. That is in itself a good reason to say nothing if the rs between the parents is not conversational.

My x does not discuss his partners with me nor do I expect him to. I am not interested. The kids may mention someone occasionally. As long as they seem to like the person then I am fine with it.

And if I wasn't fine with it the people most likely to suffer are the kids.

Likewise I have a right to keep my life private from him. He's an ex for a very good reason.

Kids are not pawns in their parents post relationship wrangles. You can't control your x partners life.

So all these people who are "furious" about not knowing ex has a new partner. Does this also extend to new friends ex may spend a lot of time with or new workmates that the kids might go to family picnics with or talk about? What about if your ex decides to take a pottery class with their child, do they need to run past the child's mother/father the teacher's name, their classmates? What if your ex takes your kids to the park and they meet another family that they end up spending a lot of time with, perhaps another single dad? What if ex gets a new babysitter or housekeeper or gardener, if they are spending time with your child do you need to know? What is the cut off hours that require notifying?

Yes I'm being stupid, but really where is the distinction? Is it the number of hours they would spend with your child, or frequency, or is it because it is a romantic interest? What specifically is it about not knowing about an ex's new girlfriend seems to make people so mad?

If it is a number of hours then what is the cut off? Would you feel the same if your child said that they had gone to the park with Daddy and Alex if Alex is a new girlfriend or if Alex is a new male best friend?

It's not about having the right to know, but if children feel they are unable to talk about what they do when they're with their other parent then it makes life very difficult for them.

There are things about my xh's dp my ds feels conflicted about. She's not a bad person but still DS has things that play on his mind, both good and less so. I would never want him to feel he couldn't discuss these things with me.

Ok that I see, although you could do a pre-emptive strike on that one and talk to your kids and tell them that you like to hear about interesting things happening in their life regardless of whether it happens at mum or dad's house and that they shouldn't feel that they have to protect you or without information. Tell them that one day ex might get a girl/boyfriend/"special friend" (for the younger set) and that that is ok with you.

But there are people on this thread who aren't saying it for the sake of the children they are saying that they think that the ex deserves that respect and that is what truly puzzles me. That is why I posted what I did. If it is truly about the kids and not about the ex then anyone who plays more than an occasional role in a child's life could count including friends, neighbours, teachers etc.

Actually thinking about this I am on the fence about this.

I didn't tell my exh about my partner (now my husband) until we decided to get married. We only did then because it meant a move overseas.

My exh and I had an incredibly volatile relationship though. I won't go into detail but I had to get an anti molestation order in place and things.

My DPs DC are of an age where they definitely only.see me as a friend of their Dads. I don't think they'll see me as anything else for a long time yet.

I am fairly certain there's nothing coming from DP to make them feel they can't mention me, and that they don't feel conflicted. In the time I spend with them they always seem happy,and no different from any other children.

Try to look into the future and visualise the best possible situation for both sets of children. If things are perfect now, then no need to do anything, of course. If not, then work to create a better situation for the children.

If you always stay focused on what is best for the children, trying to put yourselves out of the situation and look at it as an outsider might see it, you will probably make the best decisions.

Talk to your DP (if you haven't already) and go with your instincts. You have asked for our opinions, and threads like this are very useful for seeing things from other people's points of view, but you know best.

It's still very early days - 18 months is not long - and both your DP and his ex wife will still be feeling their way through this. You've only been together for 6 months, but your role in this could be to support your DP to make things better for the children (and everyone).

Good luck!

I've posted my opinion and reasoning upthread, so won't repeat it here. What I will add is the following: -

• why ask aibu if you're not prepared to listen to anyone saying yabu? I don't wish to be rude, OP, but your posts on this thread suggest you're not listening, or interested in taking on board what people are saying. And you did ask.

• the majority opinion appears to be YANBU, and quite a few posters have said that they would be upset were they in ExW's position. Clearly you don't agree with that view, but as so many people on here do, it seems reasonable to assume that ExW's more likely to want to know about your presence in her children's lives than not. So why not encourage your DP to tell her? At best she will be fine about it/feel it's not her business, and at worst it would be out in the open and no danger of anything coming back to bite you on the bum.

I've read peoples comments. But to be honest, how his ExW feels is of no concern to me. I've never seen her and have no desire to meet her. If she is 'furious' when she finds out about our relationship, that's her issue. As she was the one who called time on their marriage, I don't really think she'd have any business being furious, but anyway...

My reason for posting was because I felt my friend was being guilty of some kind of mums are more important than dads double standard, in that she was quite adamant DP should tell his Ex, but has never said I should tell mine.

I.am still not prepared to tell my Ex. So that being the case I don't see how I can expect DP to send the kind of text I'm not willing to.

It works both ways IMO, no-one has said that the ex wife only has a right to know, people have told their ex husbands as well.

He is either lying to his ex wife by not telling her that you spend time with their kids, or he is lying to you because he has told her but is saying that he hasn't.
Either way he is a liar. Not a good basis for a relationship imo

It just strikes me as strange that there is no interest in the ds's other lives. Does DP want to know how the children get on at parents evenings? If he goes to them, how is this communicated? Don't you want to know of all the things your children do - both good and not so good? Not to control but just to know your kids? Don't you think parents are better parents if they are fully knowledgeable about their childrens lives? and are accepting and non judgemental of those

I can see why this parallel parenting works and how it is easier to have no communication. That is better than negative communication, but I think it is quite sad that the kids have to compartmentalise their lives so much. It would be much healthier to be able to talk freely and ask questions, however I also know that some parents are incapable of doing this and it needs to be both parents making an effort to achieve this. One parent can't do it on their own.

I think the ultimate aim would be for total transparency for the sake of the kids. It wouldn't hurt to tell the exw in this case, if a text was worded as "this is a curtesy text to let you know that... " Having said that, if the exw is unreasonable she may make more of the relationship and not see your DP's good parenting in that he is not letting you stay over for a while. But then why not let her know that and put her mind at rest. She may be imagining the worst, thinking you are there 24/7. Confused? Yes I am. It does seem to depend on how reasonable she is. But if you are both trying to put the kids first, why not try to convey that?

Tbh given the ex ended the marriage and it was fairly recently I would take not wanting to tell her as not wanting her to know he has moved on because in his heart, he hasn't.

If my dp had been happy to tell everyone but his ex about me I would wonder why he specifically didn't want her to know.

I'm looking at this from a single parent view. Ex had affair (s) has settled with ow. Has continued to lie about the relationship. I don't want to know about who he is with for any other reason than who my child will be spending time with when not with me.
I don't want a friendship with her, but I have told him I want to meet her Purley so if their relationship continues my dd can see that we 'get on'. I'm also aware at some point for somethings for dd we will all have to be in one place at one time.

I was irritated and annoyed at him lying to me. And it just made me aware of what else he could be lying about.
your dp effectively lying to his ex will only cause more issues. It's the children that will end up suffering.

Parallel parenting? I remember kids in high school who had this, lucky bastards.

They were out partying every weekend while each parent thought they were at the others.

It might not come easy, but I think your dp needs to practice at every drop off "kids did this today" or "how were the kids this week?". Build a positive dialogue.

wanna one way of viewing it is he doesn't want her to know because he hadn't moved on (unlikely as in all probability the kids have told her) the other is that you he doesn't want to be 'in your face' to an x about having a new partner.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think your... "friend" is. You said his children consider you just another friend of his, so I assume you have some sort of friends with benefits situation, otherwise he would have (by this stage) surely have used the word girlfriend to them or front of them, in regards to yourself. He's lying to them (and why if they like you so much and you have been together for quite a while?) if you are considered to be a girlfriend. The relationship between your parents partner and yourself is different to that between yourself and other friends of your parents (saying this from experience, my parents separated when I was about 9 and sis was 5). Have your dc's met each other yet?

All he needs to do is send one quick text "Just wanted to let you know, I'm seeing someone, dc's have met her and enjoy her company, if you wish to discuss this, you may do so when you drop x to me a y time". Why is that so hard? For all he knows she may delete the text and ignore the content. In which case he tried to be the bigger person.

I hope everything works out regarding this, he does sound like a nice bloke. You just sound very defensive atm but it's great you are making an effort with his kids.

If your own good friend, who has always supported you in your decisions, has felt the need to comment on this, that should say more to you than anything written here. She knows you (and him?). It doesn't sound as if she was judging you, but him. Maybe it has raised a bit of a red flag to her, and as your friend she felt it best to say something to you about it.

Once he has informed the ex w, he's done his bit (I mentioned "if you wish to discus this" in text as she may have some genuine/non nasty questions). If she tries to start a fight, all he has to do is hold his head high and walk away from her/not engage.

OP have you any relatives you could talk to about this? You'll get a better perspective on this from people who know you. And I don't think you stated what age your dc is, if they are old enough maybe you could get their opinion? As in "do you think it's a bit weird x hasn't mention me to y? Z does but then maybe it's her being weird"