AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

[tinkerpigeon]

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

It's really the DP's choice to tell/not tell the ex though - it's not OP's problem, and I think she's doing the right thing by staying out of the situation.

Forgot to mention we have no contact and although I haven't directly told him about my DP of 4 years I also have not kept it any secret, nor told DD she can't tell her dad. DP moved in a few months ago and no formal notification happened - I made a conscious decision that he was there to be with me, not to be a parent for her (she has two already) and that was that. As far as I am concerned he is another adult who she knows and who spends time with us when she is with me. Prior to this we didn't stay overnight together very often if she was with me, but we did do things together and she gradually got to know him.

All this to say - I don't know that YABU - if it's not a secret then it's not a drama.

All this protesting that the EW isn't important in your life etc when the bottom line is more than likely that you are rather peed off the EW hasn't been told about you by your partner.

And of course she knows, the children would have said something, as well as the other members of the family you have met - and still she's said nothing about you.

I guess she's shown very clearly just how much you bother her.

Thiswikicanfly, you've summed up very much how I feel about the situation. I'm not stepping into a parenting role for the DC, they just see me as their dad's friend. We play games,go to the park,etc. I like them, I enjoy us spending time together (especially as i can see how happy it makes my DP,and the DC seem to enjoy having me around too which is great) but I'm not trying to be their mum, they already have one.

They honestly don't feel there's stuff they cant talk about, it's just at their age most conversation is about the things we're doing there and then. There is nothing coming from DP to say they cant talk about mum or their home.

Their mum may well have a new partner herself. The split was her decision, so it's quite possible she has already moved on (they separated 18 months ago). DP accepts that he probably won't know unless the DC mention it,but that so long as they're happy it's not an issue.

As to the ExW, of course the DC may have mentioned me. I acknowledged that upthread. DPs family have had no contact with her since before I met DP, so they won't have told her.

I think it's your DP's call. If he thinks his ex would take huge offense at not being told about you and finding out from one of the DC, best to bite the bullet and him to tell her. If he thinks she may well already have a new DP too and hasnt chosen to mention it, and that things will actually be smoother if he doesn't directly tell her about you but let's her find out organically and deal with it in her own time, then so be it.

To a certain extent if you trust the other parent to look after the DC, you have to also trust them on who the children cone into contact with while they are with them. You can't have power of veto over everything.

I never felt the need to control what my children did with their father when we split. I had no problems with the fact that I had a very little say in how they spent their time there and it didn't bother me at all. I have always trusted my ex and his decision. I never wanted to control who they spent time with but I did want to know about any important changes going on in their lives. For children, a new partner on the scene can be a very big deal to them. I would tell my ex if something happened here that my impact the children greatly because he simply had a right to know if an important change was happening.

We have children here whose parents can't even talk to each other about a new potential step mother being on the scene and possible children who don't even feel able to discuss their parent with the other, probably because they know they can't communicate and don't feel comfortable talking about their parents to the other. Bugnut's post explains it well and is excellent. It is incredibly sad that children so young don't even talk about their mum with their father, and IME that is not normal. Mine always came home excited telling me what they had done with their dad and vice versa with him. It seems pretty telling to me that they don't even talk about their mother to their father.

I echo Anyfucker's post.

May

Possibly

FFS

I think it is interesting that so many people think that those who would want to know think it is about control. It is simply important for both parents to know about big changes in their children's lives that could greatly effect them.

With friend here but think ex would know as surely children would have said

I've got children myself.

My DC went to a childminder from when they were babies. The CM they had until eldest was 7 or 8 used to take them out every day in the summer - to the library, park, play events, the beach, loads of places. She used to tqke photos...clearly they had a brilliant time with her. They enjoyed their time, and I always asked what they'd done. There was no psychological reason for them not to tell me, yet over the years I doubt they ever told me anything they did there on more than a handful of occasions, certainly my youngest child who used to live in a bit of a dreamworld, and was far more interested in the here and now than what happened yesterday or last week.

I was asking DPs children about school at the weekend...did they like it, who were their friends they liked playing with - they gave me some very brief answers, which led into how they play xyz, and could we play that now etc?

It's not like they never mention their mum at all, they have told me about toys they have at mums house. But they don't talk about things they do with her, they might when I'm not there in the immediacy of being dropped off, I've not asked DP. I was asked whether the DC talked about her in front of/ to me and no, not really.

Yabu. My ex and I are not best mates and were never on great terms after we split. I met my now DH shortly after my ex left and didn't introduce him to my child for well over a year, with ex's agreement. Ex, meanwhile, didn't tell me about his new partner until my child had already spent time with her overnight at her house. I hit the roof, as it turned out that I knew her vaguely from years ago and was aware that she had attacked and seriously wounded a previous partner (something my ex didn't know). I was very anxious about my child spending time with her.

It's disingenuous to say that a new partner is just one of the many new people a child will meet when their parents split. You're asking the child to form a relationship with that person which is qualitatively different from a friend or a babysitter. For the child's emotional health, they need to be able to talk openly about that relationship if needed. And for the child's safety, the other parent needs to know who they're with. Just like my ex and I tell each other where we're taking the kids on holiday.

His DC are being put in the position of having to edit their lives because they understand that they can't really talk about their DM with you, or you to their DM.

Can't you see how wrong that is?

Obviously not.

Yabu. I think that as the children are so young and are completely reliant on adults their mother should be told. As someone who is separated from her husband; has little communication with her husband other than childcare and whose children are very small I would want to know who else is in my child's lives. If they were older it would probably bother me less. And his ex wife probably hasn't said anything about a partner because she doesn't have one. I know I would tell my ex and I think he should be a grown up and do the same (but he probably wouldn't) It all seems very childish to me.

Thing is though, we're NOT asking the children to form a different relationship with me than to a friend, because to them that's all I am, a friend of their dads who comes out for the day with them sometimes. I don't stay the night whilst they're there, and won't for a long time.

I think that the reaction that you are getting here is how the mother
may feel but you don't seem to want to understand that or feel any empathy even though you are a mother yourself.

Yes. Maybe this thread demonstrates that the ex is more likely than not to feel that she needs to know you exist - as that's the majority view by quite a lot. You don't have to agree with that view, but you might want to take it into account.

Why on earth has the OP, who by her own admission does nothing more than spend a few hours leisure time with these DCs and their Dad, been given the status of "potential stepparent"?

Surely, by making a big deal of the "role" the OP plays in the DCs lives, it is more likely to cause anxiety in the DCs and/or drama with the ex?

If/when the OPs role in the DCs life becomes more intimate - she stays overnight with them, for instance, or goes on holiday with them, then it's more reasonable to expect there to be a reaction from the DCs and consequently, a need for their mum to know.

I can't understand why anyone would anticipate that these DCs will need "support" from their mum to process the OPs casual presence in their lives - unless they've been living in a bubble up until now!

An ex wife/husband doesn't need to know anything about their ex wife/ husbands new partner until they are introduced to and spending time with the children.

Once the children are spending time with a new partner i feel the other parent has a right to know, however casual or serious.

Ultimately that person may eventually become a step parent and play a big part in the children's lives and it is only fair that everybody knows about these things.

I divorced my XH. It's amicable in so far as I am very polite to him, but I wouldn't piss on the cheating bastard if he was on fire, so not really amicable.

We have a 6yo, and we both now have new b/g friends.

I decided not to tell him because frankly, it's none of his business, and I want contact with him to be as minimal as possible. I knew that my daughter might mention my bf in passing, but I know her well enough to know she wouldn't feel pressured from some secret (it wasn't) and him well enough to know he wouldn't react badly to her if she said something. Although not amicable, we are both happy to be split!

He has a gf now, and hasnt told me. In fact, my daughter hadn't ever referred to her as his gf, so he may not have told her. (he has form for crap like that)

I don't need to meet this woman. Yes, I'm curious about someone spending time with my daughter. But what are we going to do? Chat about the weather for 5 minutes?
What if I dont take to her? Tbh, from the little I know of her, I think we're very different and wouldn't hit it off. But that doesn't make her a bad person. But my ex is hardly going to dump her on my say so, is he?

I have no intention of spending the next x years reporting in to my ex if I get a bf, split up with a bf, etc.

It's not his business, and it doesn't impact my daughter that I don't tell him.

anyfucker

Yes parallel parenting is a thing it is often suggested with older children where DV has been an issue but contact has to happen.

Even then where possible,major or important things would be expected to be shared in some way, all those things that PR gives people the responsibility to notify/discus/agree with the other parent and other major things.

Unless you were talking about teenage kids the first thing that Would pop into my head would be DV if it became apparent that DV had not been an issue then the next thing would be how childish.

Remember, OP, this could be you next time round.

i'd want to know

anyfucker, I parallel parent with DSs dad; it took me over a year with the help of a lawyer, therefore cost a lot, to get him to leave me alone. We have weekly email contact about DS, that is all. But as there was no abuse to DS, there is no reason for DS not to have a relationship with him. I have been left with significant mental health issues after everything which happened. Nonetheless, I still take DS to hangovers regardless of how it makes me feel; and I email weekly about how DS is. But that is it; I am not entirely sure what is not adult about that. I would quite happily never see the man again.

I know you said abuse aside, but I don't think there is a need to be dismissive. Not every separation is amicable even where there is no abuse and parallel parenting provides a way to minimise conflict whilst allowing each parent the opportunity to parent without hassle. The view that everything should be hunky dory and children should see their parents getting along was one which was repeatedly used by DS dad to ignore any boundaries I set. Getting along quite simply needs to mean respecting the other's space and being civil at agreed points.

The only reason to know about a new partner is courtesy and so you can respond appropriately if DC mention them.

Romey

Ou know anyfucker was referring to any abuse don't you not just child abuse.

If he was harassing you and you still have health issues as a result of his behaviour as well as it taking such effort to get him to stop its almost 100% (I say almost because your post implies rather that states) certain you were abused as was your child.

Of course there is a lot more nuance to the term "abuse excepted" but since expanding further would have derailed the thread I chose to leave it at that.

If OP (the person whose situation this thread is actually about) came back to say actually there was abuse ...of children, of partners, of anyone, then we are in a different ball game. But she didn't and she hasn't.

I have to say this is the first time that I have been accused of being "dismissive" about abuse

Just for the record. I don't have any contact with my Ex because he was abusive to me throughout our relationship and after it ended.

However the thread is not about me but my DP. His relationship was not abusive but despite efforts he has been unable to maintain any kind of amicable contact with his Ex. It may well be she prefers to limit any contact with him, as she's entitled to do but because they don't exchange any info re the DC or speak face to face he's not advised her of my existence, which I expect he would have done had there been a greater degree of ongoing communication between them.

As for him doing this to me, that won't happen because in the event that our relationship doesn't last (and of course I hope it does last) we won't be having any DC together so it would be a very different situation.