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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

165 replies

tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 18:31

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

OP posts:
MrsKranky · 08/12/2014 20:17

Just asked DP if he told his exdp when we got together and he said yes, because it would be unfair, and his ex should know who was around their daughter. DSD was three at the time. They are not best friends, contact is only really about DSD but they're also not at each other's throats.

my2centsis · 08/12/2014 20:18

YABVU but from you're previous replys you think about 90% of this thread is wrong in saying that. So why ask??!

MistressDeeCee · 08/12/2014 20:20

When I divorced my exH years ago his whole focus was upon who I was seeing/who would be near his children - as if, after years of being a mother Id suddenly pick an ogre to be in their lives. He saw sense eventually. But I do know of situations where the ex-partner (the one resident with the children) start all sorts of silly games such as "well I don't know her so you can't see the children" and thats a horrible situation. As if just because they are the ex, via the children they assume the right to dictate their father's love life often causing him misery, and impacting upon his present relationship.

I have a work colleague who does this and often think, why doesn't she stop wasting time/life and apply her energies elsewhere, since there's no evidence that his current partner is a mad monster? She seems to study his life and its not healthy..not to mention, upsetting and confusing for the DCs not to see their father when prior to him having a girlfriend, visits were regular, I know this isn't always the case but yes it does happen in reality so its something to take into account. People can have various reasons for not informing ex partner until they feel ready to. Different if the non-resident parent is having a live-in relationship tho..then I think, its necessary to say but again, its not always possible to account for people's reasoning, nor to assume an ex is always fairminded.

UterusUterusGhali · 08/12/2014 20:21

Op, my ex's ow has been shoehorned into my kids lives.
The reason he didn't tell me about her for months? He was still fucking me.

Everyone is coming from their own angle but is saying the same thing.

He's a dick for not telling his wife.

You're with a dick.

Yabu.

UterusUterusGhali · 08/12/2014 20:22

Nearly everyone. Xmas Grin

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2014 20:26

My friend's ex is like your do. She has to rely on her dc to tell her anything significant (and when her ex recently had a baby with new partner I found out before my friend which felt wrong). You are a significant person in the dc life so of course the mum should know.... More importantly, my friend's dc often feel like as their father hasn't told their mum maybe it's a secret and get upset as they don't like to hide things from her. That's a horrible position for any child. Dp doesn't need to give detail just "I've got a dp and she will be involved in dc life while dc is with me." Not masses of detail.
You seem very naive re patenting dc.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 20:26

I was genuinely surprised by my friends reaction. She, and indeed none of my friends have ever suggested I should tell my Ex about DP, nor a previous relationship. We have no contact at all about anything. That may be why, but I felt/feel that my DPs situation wasn't much different (they say hello/goodbye at pickup or dropoff, but that's by and large the extent of communication between them) and therefore expected a similar view.

I presume from the tone of this thread people think I should also be informing my Ex, even though we've not spoken or had any contact for over 3 years? Or is it different for him? That feels like a double standard really.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 08/12/2014 20:30

Do you and your ex have children too? In which case yes, you should tell him. It's not about you and your partner, it's about parent figures in a child's life.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/12/2014 20:32

How old are your children?

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2014 20:38

If your ex spends time with your dc then yes you should tell him too.
However your reasons for not telling your ex is he wouldn't care or want to know. Your dp's reason for not telling his ex is it will all kick off. Clearly his ex would want to know. Why would any parent be happy about dc having half a life you know nothing about. A blended well balanced family surely needs to support the children from all sides.
I find your refusal to see another side (that of the other parent and that of a child) really odd.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 20:56

My DC are older, but were a similar age when my relationship with their father ended.

My reasons for not telling him are that we have no contact. It would seem odd given that I never contact him regarding our DC that I would suddenly call or text him utterly out of the blue to tell him I'm in a relationship. He sees our DC regularly but we have no involvement with each other.

My DPs situation isn't that different. We are both very much parallel parenting, as mentioned by a previous poster, rather than co parenting. That's how it is. As I've said with DP and his Ex conversation is limited to hi/bye and the occasional text to vary collection times. If they had a chat when DC were dropped off, how were the DC, what did they do at the weekend I can see how you could easily add on oh and btw I'm introducing them to someone...and so on. But they don't have that because she didn't want to speak to him beyond limited pleasantries. Hence why he's not bothered to tell her. I don't know if she'd kick off, nor does he. She might. She might not.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 08/12/2014 21:07

Very strange on his behalf not to mention you at all. Why hasn't he?

My ex does this - I would hazard a guess it's because he knows it's unreasonable to be introducing the children to yet another new girlfriend (5 in 6 years) so soon in the relationship (usually within the first few weeks if the gap between one relationship ending and a new introduction is anything to go by). I would also hazard a guess he doesn't want her to have anything at all to do with me because he's terrified that any contact between us might just reveal to her what he's really like!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 08/12/2014 21:09

If you have the kind of shared parenting where you would ever tell your ex about anything that happens when you parent the kids... where you go, what you did for birthdays, where you go on a week away with the kids, if they were minority sick but now well, what activities you do etc then yeah I could see it could be very upsetting to not be told this but if you never communicate any information I'm not sure how this is really that different from not sharing that you have taken up rugby together or that when you have the kids for two weeks in the summer it wasn't at your house, you went and stayed in a holiday house in Wales. Some co-parents do share this kind of information, some don't at all. If you don't share any information at all outside of emergencies then I'm not sure it is necessary that you tell this.

UncrushedParsley · 08/12/2014 21:19

OP, 'AIBU?'
Majority of MNers: 'YABU'
OP 'No, I'm not'
Pointless waste of cyber-ink posting really, for all of us...

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2014 21:22

Parallel parenting? Is this some way of parenting a child where you pretend you can look after 1 child without linking the two lives in any way and expect the child to fit in to living 2 separate lives? That's in the child's best interest is it? How does that work with big decisions like choosing a secondary school or GCSE options etc. If your ex is sane enough to care for a child then there should be communication re the child even if it's through a solicitor.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 21:33

Oh do sod off with the how's that in a child's best interests bolleaux. If parents cant communicate civilly (and there are many who can't) then it's best for them and the DC that the parents simply don't communicate.

My DC decided on their schools, option choices etc themselves. Their decisions to make, not mine. Some input from me, some separately from their father. I'm not willing to waste money on a solicitor, that would achieve nothing, he's not compelled to speak to me or vice versa. I could get a solicitor to write him letters, he doesn't have to reply.

OP posts:
NancyPurple · 08/12/2014 21:41

Me and my sons dad were on awful terms when I met DP. I couldn't stand him and wished he would just disappear. But I told him when I wanted to introduce DP to DS because that's what a decent parent and person does.

Although I don't know why you asked because you clearly don't want to take anything on board.

I'd also be uncomfortable being a secret.

Mrsstarlord · 08/12/2014 21:45

Parallel parenting? Sounds awful.

If you are in this relationship for the long haul, be honest and up front and try and make things better for the kids

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2014 21:45

Puts to much on the child because you and your ex can't be grown ups. I'll sod off happily - you clearly don't care about other people's opinions and think you know it all sadly I've seen the fall out from the child's side too many times in my last job, but of course I'm wrong.

lunar1 · 08/12/2014 21:47

Why on earth post, you obviously think you are right. Use whatever justification you want but forcing children to be the buffer between parents who can't be civil enough to communicate is fucking cruel.

Even if you have to use a messenger there should be a way for two parents bringing up children to pass on information. Not doing so is shitty parenting and cruel to the children.

avocadogreen · 08/12/2014 21:49

I would be wondering why he hadn't told her about me tbh. I amm separated, we get on ok, not great, but when I had a new partner I told exH. Not in an asking permission kind of way, but just so it is all out in the open.

I went to a friend's wedding recently...her new DH's ex, mother of his child, didn't know he even had a partner let alone that they were getting married! It just seems odd to me, and would be a bit of a red flag.

mimishimmi · 08/12/2014 21:49

I'd say she already knows if you have not instructed the children not to tell her. Sensibly, she's decided not to interfere with her ex and his relationships. Ultimately what can she do about it?

If I were in a similar situation, I don't think I'd have any right to control who my children see on their access weekends. I'd expect the same respect from him if it came to any new relationships on my part as well. The only time I would interfere or expect interference from an ex is if the children were saying the new partner on either side was abusing them in some way (emotional, verbal or physical).

I don't think YABU and I suspect your partners ex is not too fussed about it either.

Sallystyle · 08/12/2014 21:53

It's weird and wrong.

And yes I am divorced. We were all very close before he died for many years but when we both met new partners we weren't on great terms then and we still managed to communicate a big change that would effect our children.

I wouldn't want to date this man. He seems very selfish and I certainly wouldn't want kids with a man who think it's ok to withhold important information for his kids mother.

Original poster
tinkerpigeon · 08/12/2014 21:57

I can only speak for my children but they're much better off and happier than a) when I was in a relationship with their father and b) when we were trying to maintain any sort of communication with him. They are popular, successful, outgoing and above all happy. I can think of many of their peers in 2 parent families who have many more issues.

I'm not the nicest person in the world but even if I was Mother Teresa I couldn't have maintained communication with my Ex. He didn't want to do so. It is pointless and demeaning trying to contact someone who doesn't want to. And unwilling communication benefits no one, certainly not children.

Like I said, I posted because my friends view surprised me, and seemed to.conflict with her views about me telling my Ex. I note what's been said however as I still wouldn't tell my Ex, I don't think I could ask DP to do so.

And I'm not a secret, only from one person I'm unlikely to meet, and who isn't that important to me and my life. If I'd not been introduced to family I might feel differently, but I met all of them long before I was introduced to DC.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 08/12/2014 22:10

I think it is really sad that two parents can't get their act together and communicate for the sake of their kids. Surely they have all moved on now?

I know all it takes is one person to stop decent communication happening and you can't control the way your ex acts, but if he is a part of the reason they can't even talk then I would be even more worried.

It is pretty normal for communication to be difficult if the marriage ended badly, but really, both parties should be grown up enough to be able to communicate about their kids. I get some have arsehole exes who are hostile and there is nothing they can do about that, but really, why is it so difficult to communicate about your kids? abusive situations aside, and surely then you talk through a third party?