Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people struggling with one under 2 get pregnant again so quickly?

193 replies

inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 15:17

Sorry if this sounds harsh!

Disclaimer: I'm in my late 30s and I have a two year old and know all too well the challenges that some days - and nights! - bring....and who would like a second soon-ish (fertility issues allowing!)

BUT I am constantly genuinely surprised by how many female friends and acquaintances who are clearly finding their only toddler a real challenge (sleep, behaviour, allergies, general chaos in daily life etc) and/or have PND and/or are clearly frustrated (judging by their real life and FB comments) with either being a SAHM or combining work with motherhood still get pregnant when their current, only child is still around a year old. Two under 2 is notoriously hard. Would it not be better to leave it a bit longer for your own mental health?

OP posts:
ReputableBiscuit · 28/11/2014 15:21

Sex.

radiobedhead · 28/11/2014 15:23

Just because it's a challenge it doesn't mean they aren't enjoying lots of it. Also, people want to get the baby bit out the way don't they.

NewEraNewMindset · 28/11/2014 15:24

A second child often becomes a playmate for the first, or so I am told, so maybe they think it will be harder initially but better in the long run.

Cherrypi · 28/11/2014 15:24

Two year gap seems very common now. I think it's to reduce overall time as a part timer for one parent. Also less people are breastfeeding which I think gives the more biological spacing of three years.

NobodyLivesHere · 28/11/2014 15:25

I had 2 under 2, when we ttc the eldest was 8 months. Sleeping well, eating well, I didn't think it would be hard. By the time she became a 15 month old sleep regressed nightmare I was already 7 months pregnant. Too late lol.

MrsTittleMouse · 28/11/2014 15:26

They're old and feel that it's now or never. Or had fertility issues the first time around think it'll take ages... and then it doesn't. Or can't afford to/don't want to have a long career break if SAH. Or are too knackered to remember contraception. :) Or know they couldn't face the nappy stage again once they were safely out of it.

katiegee · 28/11/2014 15:27

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

For some people, the idea of two under two is their idea of hell for all the reasons you mention. For others, I think they see it as getting all the sleepless nights, nappies and chaos out of the way rather than having one child get older and easier to manage and then go back to the beginning a few years later with a second child. I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to do it, what works for one couple wont be right for another.

NorwaySpruce · 28/11/2014 15:28

Because they want more than one child, but don't want to spend decades dealing with nappies/buggies/feeding issues.

Money, work, career stuff, childcare options/costs, accidents, a 'holy fuck, it can't get harder than this!?' outlook..

So many people, so many options.

It really not that hard to see things from other peoples perspectives is it, rather than wandering round with your head up your own backside?

NobodyLivesHere · 28/11/2014 15:28

I wouldn't Change it now despite the challenges of those early days (I also had a third, so 3 under 3.5). No age gap is without its issues.

Original poster
inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 15:30

Norway - I'm asking a genuine question. I know this is AIBU but your reply is pretty rude.

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 28/11/2014 15:30

I agree OP, Norway was incredibly and unnecessarily rude.

missbishi · 28/11/2014 15:33

Yeah, no need for rudeness, OP obviously wants to understand, not judge.

BackforGood · 28/11/2014 15:34

Well, no need for the last sentence perhaps, but the point Norway makes is right.
You will only have '2under 2' for a couple of months, tyen they will have 90yrs of being 2 siblings close in age.

Fallingovercliffs · 28/11/2014 15:35

Yes, but several other posters made the same point without being insulting and rude.

radiobedhead · 28/11/2014 15:36

Norway does have a point and I too am surprised the OP couldn't think of reasons herself!

dustarr73 · 28/11/2014 15:37

I have 5 altogether.First 2 a year apart i was bf so i was caught.Irish twins are more popular than you think.Next one i had a 12 year gap then 3 under 3 1/2.12 year gap was far the easiest.But 3 under 3 1/2 i wanted everything out of the way together.It is hard but the upside they are basically in school together.Go throught teh same stages wihtin a short time frame and hand me downs are a god send.
So different horses for courses.
Your first born could still regress when you have another baby op so you mightnt get away scott free with all the above scenerio your friends are going through right now.

DazzleU · 28/11/2014 15:38

Well - it works really well when they are older seems ideal for us and our DC - I did same as Nobodylives. Though original reason was to minimised time out of the work place.

TBH it wasn't so much the DC but everything - oddly those years lots of other unexpected stuff happens - job changes/house moves/extended family stuff - it was more our capacity with several young DC to cope with all this badly timed other life stuff was diminished.

I understand others wait till 15 hours free nursery or first one in school till next trying.

People down same road as us with two but same age gaps as youngest - what you are describing did it due to her age - they were worried time was running out.

HazleNutt · 28/11/2014 15:41

I'm pregnant with DC2 who should be born just around DC1's 2nd birthday. Of course I get that it will be bloody hard for a while. But

  • I'm 36, not like I have decades of fertility left
  • I wanted them to be close in age. I had too big of an age gap with my sister and we did nothing together when we were kids.
  • I want to get the baby years over with and not start again, when the first is already reasonable and out of nappies. So that's why.
Sparklingbrook · 28/11/2014 15:42

i think it's a bit of 'getting it over with'. If you find the first one hard but you would like another perhaps get all the horrible bits out the way sooner.

If they left it a bit longer maybe they would never do it.

I am failing to see how the OP has her head up her backside.

DoJo · 28/11/2014 15:42

Because they know that the difficult bit when they are tiny will pay off when they are older and more likely to have similar interests, overlapping friendship groups and be easier to manage as a family because they will be at the same 'stage' together.
Or because they thought it would take longer to get pregnant and were surprised that it didn't, because they wanted to make the most of their fertile years while they have the chance etc.

Original poster
inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 15:44

Yes Norway made some good points but they got lost amongst the rudeness on my initial reading of the post.

Yes, I get that cramming the difficult years in together could make sense in some circumstances but the ' perfect ' two year age gap seems to have become a coveted norm even for those for whom motherhood seems to be more of a struggle than most. Maybe they're just being more honest than other mums? I'm just not sure adding a (planned) newborn into the mix of a mum who is struggling with PND and isolation which they attribute to being a mum, and a toddler is, on the face of it, the best plan.

The point about natural spacing is a good one, though there's not much ' natural' about conception or birth for some of us Grin

And sure, people have sex (!), even newish mums sometimes, Wink but equally, pregnancies are easily prevented.

OP posts:
Figster · 28/11/2014 15:45

Op I'm completely with you

So many stories of people struggling emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and yet on they plough with further pg's.

I have a 2yo I want another but not at any cost for me, my dh, my ds and any future children

KnackeredMuchly · 28/11/2014 15:45

I feel like it was quite a rude OP, perhaps Norway thought the same. The undertone seems that people are just whiney moaners and do it anyway, or too stupid.

The OP isn't "Why would you want 2 under 2" ...."it is why complain then have another?"

Just smells a bit smug

HerrenaHarridan · 28/11/2014 15:49

Yanbu.

I don't understand it at all. (Yes I have read the replies)

A good friend of mine is like this and she has outright said to me that all the 'might as well get the baby stage out the way' is just a front and the truth is she just really wants more babies.

Each to their own. I've got one almost 3 year old. She is at a fantastic stage of life and I am reaching a point where I can more or less balance her needs with my own.
In a few years time when she's more independant I might consider another but personally I wouldn't be considering it until about 7

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 28/11/2014 15:50

I have a 12 month old and am 7 weeks pregnant with DC2. No PND but admit I am struggling somewhat with sleepless nights, isolation (miles away from family) and loss of self confidence. However none of these things are going to change any time soon. I don't want DD to be an only child (I became an only child after my brother died and it's very hard being the only one around for my divorced parents) and I want her to have the joy of a close sibling relationship. Hence having another soon. As a PP pointed out, I will only have 2 under 2 for a short time but my children will hopefully have each other for a long long time.