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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people struggling with one under 2 get pregnant again so quickly?

193 replies

inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 15:17

Sorry if this sounds harsh!

Disclaimer: I'm in my late 30s and I have a two year old and know all too well the challenges that some days - and nights! - bring....and who would like a second soon-ish (fertility issues allowing!)

BUT I am constantly genuinely surprised by how many female friends and acquaintances who are clearly finding their only toddler a real challenge (sleep, behaviour, allergies, general chaos in daily life etc) and/or have PND and/or are clearly frustrated (judging by their real life and FB comments) with either being a SAHM or combining work with motherhood still get pregnant when their current, only child is still around a year old. Two under 2 is notoriously hard. Would it not be better to leave it a bit longer for your own mental health?

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 28/11/2014 15:50

My three are now 11, 10 and 8 and I love the gap, yes there was tiredness and running around like a headless chicken when they were all small, but now I have three pretty independent kids. They are an inbuilt little friendship group so they are never lonely, they have similar interests so I dont have the issues in the holidays of amusing a teen and a small that some of my friends do. One friends oldest child started secondary school this year whilst her second just started ft school, she's had 8 years of school runs with another 8 to go, where as mine will be done far sooner.
Swings and roundabouts really.

Fallingovercliffs · 28/11/2014 15:52

I don't see anything rude about the OP, having read it over a second time.

I think, as other posters have said, people feel it's easier in the long term to get the baby, teething, nappy changing, making strange phase over and done with in 3-4 years, instead of dragging it out. Also, a lot of people tend to be older nowadays having children and don't want to leave it too late to have a second one.
And, of course, not all pregnancies are planned.

NorwaySpruce · 28/11/2014 15:54

I really wasn't that rude.

Your OP did have undertones of judgey smugness.

You refer to 'female friends and acquaintances' but don't seem to have taken enough notice of them to understand why they might make the decisions they do (presumably in conjunction with their partners).

It really suggested an extraordinary lack of empathy/understanding/common sense on your part.

Original poster
inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 15:54

I had no intention to be rude Knackered and I said in my
OP that I that I totally get that the early years are hard for everyone. Even as someone who struggled to conceive and feared I never would, I'm not above admitting when I've had a tough day with my toddler and certainly don't believe people should bottle their difficulties up.

But there are degrees of moaning. If you complain daily for months about being unable to cope with your 16mth old and surviving on 4 hours broken sleep a night it's just a bit surprising (and impressive?) when you announce another pregnancy a couple of months later. Yes, I have someone I know in mind as I write that.

Pregnancy, childbirth and early parenthood take a great mental and physical toll on many women yet they still feel they have to repeat the process very quickly.

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 28/11/2014 15:55

"I really wasn't that rude".

Yes, you were actually, as several posters have pointed out.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 28/11/2014 15:57

By the way, no one knows I am struggling outside of my DH and my very close friends as I am not one to publicise these things, however I would be absolutely mortified to think any of my close friends were judging me for getting pregnant so soon when they know I've had difficulties. I hope these people you are judging haven't confided in you OP.

squoosh · 28/11/2014 16:01

-Women are having children later in life and if they want to have more than one kid they don't have much choice but to have them in quite a short space of time.

-They don't particularly enjoy the baby years but want more than one child and decide to bite the bullet and get it all over with in one go.

-Unplanned pregnancy

There are a ton of reasons.

canweseethebunnies · 28/11/2014 16:03

Off the top of my head:

  1. They think it will be easier if they have 2 close together to distract each other
  1. They want to get the 'small children' phase over and done with so they can get on with their careers.
  1. They are pushing 40 when they start, so think they need to get a move on.
  1. It was an accident!

I'm sure there are many more.

DoJo · 28/11/2014 16:03

But why get over all the sleeplessness and get into a routine only to do it all again just when you were starting to recover? And does anyone really believe that a toddler will be doing the same thing nine months + after making the decision to have another child? Presumably most of these people are aware that things change pretty quickly when you have a small child and realise that it's silly to wait till things have 'settled' as you are only ever going to be one cold/growth spurt/leap in brain development away from the next stage and it's almost impossible to predict whether that will be one which is easier or harder to deal with.

Pregnancy, childbirth and early parenthood take a great mental and physical toll on many women yet they still feel they have to repeat the process very quickly.

Why do you think they feel that they 'have to'? Have any of them expressed concerns that this isn't really what they want and they have bowed to pressure from others? I'm also curious as to why you only include your female friends and acquaintances in this? Surely the fathers have some input into the decision making process?

canweseethebunnies · 28/11/2014 16:04

X post squoosh

BertieBotts · 28/11/2014 16:04

I would have thought the overwhelming thing would be because 2 year olds aren't 2 forever!

DixieNormas · 28/11/2014 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thewrongmans · 28/11/2014 16:07

Because small gaps are much easier.

pommedeterre · 28/11/2014 16:09

I have three under five. It is more about the future than right now. I want a little gang.

Lol at the bf spacing thing - my periods return at 12 weeks when ebf and earlier when supplementing. Bf spacing would give me masses of children!

PortofinoVino · 28/11/2014 16:12

I too am surprised the OP couldn't think of reasons herself!

But....but.....but.....if we all answered our own questions there wouldn't be a Mumsnet........would there?

HamishBamish · 28/11/2014 16:13

There are lots of reasons why people do this, but for us it was a necessity as we had our first child when I was nearly 38 (after 8 years of IVF). Luckily for us no2 came along easily and unassisted and there's just over 2 years between them. 2 was fine, but I suspect a third would have been too much for me so close together.

I do kind of understand where you're coming from though OP. We have friends who had lots of issues with their first child (sleeping, eating, behaviour) and added another baby to the mix (there's just under 2 years between them). They are having a horrible time atm juggling a baby and tricky toddler. Actually, I'm off over there later to babysit as they've reached breaking point and it's practically destroyed their relationship. However, the baby is here now and they have to find a way through it. Hopefully things will even out in the end if they get some support.

YouAreBoring · 28/11/2014 16:16

I had four under 6 but with nice even gaps. It was all a bit chaotic at times but mostly it was fun. I certainly don't regret it. I think it's easier to have them close together.

YouAreBoring · 28/11/2014 16:18

Btw I didn't think the OP's OP was rude at all!

NeverFreezeLobsters · 28/11/2014 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 28/11/2014 16:21

I think it is better to get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

I actually think the women who have a longer gap (10+ years) are the crazy ones! To go back to square one would be much harder IMO.

Original poster
inconceivableme · 28/11/2014 16:23

DoJo - I'm assuming and hoping that aside from some tragic exceptions, most women have the deciding say in the timing of their pregnancies.

OP posts:
Mrsgrumble · 28/11/2014 16:23

I think it's (in some cases) due to women being a little older having their first.

For us it was age (mine) and also conception difficulties on dc1 (that disappeared and left us in with two under 14 months ..lol)

Also fertility is high after birth so could be a lot to do with happy accidents

redskybynight · 28/11/2014 16:25

In my case because they are too exhausted to think straight (was convinced there would be a 2.5 year gap between my DC until I got to 8 months pregnant and realised it was only 21 months. Um.

SuchSweetSorrow · 28/11/2014 16:29

We didn't have to plan (as much as you can!) age gaps as we have twins and only wanted two children so that's us done. But most people I know either have the two or less year gap (mainly SAHPs or those with parents who can help with childcare) or wait until the oldest is in school due to childcare costs.

DoJo · 28/11/2014 16:33

DoJo - I'm assuming and hoping that aside from some tragic exceptions, most women have the deciding say in the timing of their pregnancies.

Really? Maybe my circle of acquaintances is unusual, but those with whom I am close enough to discuss such things have made decisions like this together with their partners. I always assumed that the parent who wants to wait longest gets the final say, whichever parent that is.