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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:
VegasIsBest · 26/10/2014 09:28

Completely unreasonable. How would you feel if the position was reversed?

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 09:30

Stick with the contact and really, do you think she needs to hear all the birthing sounds? Surely that should be for adults only. She will see her sibling when she gets home, if indeed it happens whilst she is away.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/10/2014 09:31

Just put your foot down and say she is not available that weekend. This is an important moment in your family and your ex is behaving like a twat. I would even go as far as saying that he is comes round harassing you (especially if you are in labour) then call the police.

zippey · 26/10/2014 09:31

Do what you think is best for your child. It sounds as though she wants to be with you at the birth. Just say she is feeling a bit under the weather so has to stay home with you.

notagainffffffffs · 26/10/2014 09:31

I would worry that she would be terrified if you had complications tbh

BertieBotts · 26/10/2014 09:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's a once in a lifetime experience. But you don't know that it will happen that weekend anyway.

As she's 8 does she not get to decide for herself whether she goes or not? If she wants to stay home so she doesn't miss the birth then surely that's her decision? Or am I overestimating an 8 year old?

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 26/10/2014 09:32

Since when was birth a spectators sport?

Can you not ask him to make sure someone can collect dd if and when baby arrives?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2014 09:32

Yanbu because of your last sentence - if he's going to use it to hurt her then you keep her home.

Or you have the alternative that none of the children attend the birth so she doesn't miss out?

londonrach · 26/10/2014 09:33

I wouldnt its important she sees her dad. Her new sibling might not even come then as babies have own timescale. If he or she does she still gets to meet him or her very soon after.

diddl · 26/10/2014 09:33

does he have to give up the whole weekend in case you give birth?Hmm

espressotogo · 26/10/2014 09:34

YANBU, this is a once in a lifetime event that your DD wants to be part of. Your ex should think of her feelings and be flexible so that she can be there. If he won't then you need to for your DDs sake.
Can you imagine how she will feel if she misses it ?:(

chasingtheegg · 26/10/2014 09:35

Yanbu.

motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 09:39

No, he is being a complete cunt and is putting his own meanness over the happiness of his child.. He is a selfish fuckwit.

Tbh in this situation and the fact that your daughter is 8 i would say call him out on it in front of her. Stop him from being able to plant the seed that she is not part of your family. He is relying on you being a decent mother and covering up his nasty shit ti avoid upsetting your daughter.
i would take the gloves off.
wait for him to come round and say to him in front of her " now you know how excited dd is to be here for the birth of her new baby and it is so important to us for this to be a family occasion,and dp and i want her to be the first to hold the new baby, so in sure you will understand that we may need her home early or have to change the times for your contact. Also if she is with you we may have to phone to get her to come home early"
Put it all back on him in front of others so there is no chance of him turning this around to " you are here as they don't want you around for the birth" digs.

espressotogo · 26/10/2014 09:40

I'm sure the OP doesn't expect her DD to give up the weekend with her dad to sit around waiting as long as he is willing to bring her back if it does happen. However it sounds like he is a twat who would be deliberately obstructive hence her desire to keep her DD at home. Also I don't think this is a debate on whether her children should be involved in watching a home birth.

DaisyFlowerChain · 26/10/2014 09:40

YABU, at 8 she certainly doesn't need to be present during childbirth Hmm

If you had as little contact with your DD as her dad gets would you be willing to give up the time? I very much doubt it. What if you go over, then he doesn't get the weekend either just in case? Millions of children don't meet their new siblings straight away, it won't harm her.

LadyLuck10 · 26/10/2014 09:41

I also agree with the op who asks if this is now a spectator sport. I don't think it's appropriate though for her to be there.

HowDidThatWorkOut · 26/10/2014 09:41

I think you should just see how things go. The baby could come any time. I think keeping her just in case you go into labour is a bit much. Are you going to be keeping her off school too?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 26/10/2014 09:41

An eight year old at the birth Hmm PIL and SC also at the birth? Really? Each to their own I guess.
It is his contact weekend so YABU to demand he changes it just in case you go into labour.

doobledootch · 26/10/2014 09:43

call it out on him in front of her are you serious? I hope you don't do that kind of thing with your children motherofmonster that's an appalling way to behave.

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 09:43

Is there a court order?

giraffescantboogie · 26/10/2014 09:44

Did you have a home birth before?

doobledootch · 26/10/2014 09:44

This issue is OP that you may not give birth that weekend could you not try and arrange that she comes home if you're in labour/ soon after the birth if it does happen that weekend.

PrettyLittleMitty · 26/10/2014 09:44

Personally, I wouldn't let my 8 year old be present for the birth. She may want to be there but she doesn't understand what giving birth actually involves and it may frighten her to see you in pain.
As mentioned above, baby may not arrive on that weekend anyway so you may end up keeping her from seeing her dad and causing tension between you for nothing?

Dinopaws1987 · 26/10/2014 09:45

Yanbu as long as you are prepared to switch days for things important to him.

There has to be give and take on both sides.

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 09:45

Let's face it, birth is a long drawn out event which may even end up as a hospital transfer.... Bit boring for an 8 year old hanging around on the off chance she will get a 'first hold'