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AIBU?

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:

Report

milkpudding · 02/11/2014 15:59

YANBU
Sorry you are getting such a beating here.
You have explained that you are not cancelling the weekend, just asking that he bring her back if you are in labour. Very sad that he is blocking this to be obstructive.
I don't know what you can do about it though.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/11/2014 15:16

I don't think. The op is being unreasonable at all. The whole point of a home birth is so it's more calm and relaxed and not all clinical and scary with lots of people and screaming from other rooms and that family can be there and be as involved or not involved as they like.

No makes going to chain the dd to the bed side. Just give her the freedom to choose when she wants to be there and give her the first precious moments with her sibling.

Hulababy · 02/11/2014 15:05

smashboxmashbox I think in this case that is irrelevant. The child in question has already been present at the birth of a sibling and was fine about it, so there appears no question that the child isn't capable enough to cope.

Nomama · 27/10/2014 17:11

Huh?

youareallbonkers I was three, cousins 5 and 6. No one got mentally scarred. Not even cousin whose sister chose to be breech, mum was whisked off to hospital and he was told his sister was going to "see a man about a kitten". And yes, little sister brought a kitten back from hospital with her.

I thought that was quite enlightened for the 60s!

youareallbonkers · 27/10/2014 16:41

An 8 yo at a birth? Are you for real?

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/10/2014 14:45

As such a small child could you use a bit of artistic license? Say that you had to go into hospital after all, or say that the baby was born just a couple of hours before? Could your PIL keep the other children so they all see the new baby at the same time? If your ex is not going to be flexible - and if you're the woman I think you are from other threads he WON'T BE - then you may need to be flexible at your end. Just change up the plans a bit. If she's not there, don't put the focus on the other kids so much, just you and your DH and the new baby. Unfortunately with men like that, as soon as they know they can hold something over you , they will do. Chances are if you'd done it the other way round and asked him to have her in the event of labour - he would have refused that too! Reverse psychology is a good tactic with that type!

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/10/2014 11:01

Personally I would like a little but more context around what was actually said before I started throwing around "abuser" but thats just me.

slimytoad · 27/10/2014 10:54

Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs = emotionally abusive. No ifs about it.

smashboxmashbox · 27/10/2014 10:08

Is the contact court ordered?

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/10/2014 09:33

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit

"The father is emotionally abusive"

Did you miss "if" off the start of your sentence?

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/10/2014 09:28

ArsenicChaseScream

Your bolded quote was a response to fedup not the OP . so have a back.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 27/10/2014 08:45

Because witnessit the birth of her sibling (something she has experienced before) is more damaging than being told by her father that her mother doesn't want her?!

I think people are losing sight of the real issue. The father is emotionally abusive, he will use this contact as a stick to beat the daughter with. He's not doing this because he cares, he's doing it because he's a twat. Contact with a fucking horrible lying father v's seeing a birth, an important family moment she desperately wants to be part of? How is this even a question?

CloudiaPickle · 27/10/2014 08:42

Smashbox he doesn't care about her being at the birth. When she was at the last one he said I was brave but it'd be good contraception for DD if she thought back about it once she hit her teens! He has nothing else planned but is still completely inflexible about her attending the birth or seeing the baby any sooner after the birth than the end of his contact weekend.

If you read the full thread HeadDoctor, you'll see I have never suggested cancelling the entire weekend in case I go in to labour. What I've asked is that DD can be collected if I do and that contact will then be replaced.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 27/10/2014 08:21

I don't understand this notion of telling the op that she should "put her foot down and tell him she won't be going to his that weekend." Can you imagine if someone posted on here that their xh had put his foot down and told the mother that he would be having his child on x weekend in case his partner went into labour whether she agreed or not? people would be urging her to seek legal advice. Blocking contact for any reason is completely unreasonable. it is also unreasonable to be completely obstructive however and to e.g. refuse to be flexible in the event of e.g. a family event.

That being said, I would absolutely refuse to swap contact in order to allow my child to attend a birth on account of the fact I think it would be completely inappropriate for a child of that age to attend a birth. I don't think whose baby it is is relevant at all, it's a birth, and a birth is not an appropriate place for an eight year old, and if my ex suggested it I would think him completely irresponsible and question his judgement as a parent. But I would of course facilitate my child going over there to meet their new sibling shortly after the birth at a time which was best for all concerned.

but then we are generally flexible anyway and I'm certain my ex is far more sensible than to ever suggest something like that.

smashboxmashbox · 27/10/2014 08:21

Hulababy - but suppose the other parent of the child, who knows the child, feels strongly that the child is NOT capable of dealing with it?

HeadDoctor · 27/10/2014 08:18

I think birth thing is a bit of a red herring. I'm on the fence for whether it's a good idea for a child to be there or not. My first two births were suitable for a child to see, my last one wasn't. It was a lovely straightforward home birth. I haven't been "medicalised", I did hypnobirth ing, meditation, read all about opening my body and surges but every contraction felt like being hit like a truck and then the gas and air ran out and I let out three blood curdling screams before they could connect up the next canister. It gave me nightmares afterwards nevermind children!

That said, the thing here seems to be that you want to cancel contact (which you have no right to do, court order or not) just incase you go into labour on those two days. You could end up cancelling contact for over two weeks and then she might not want to go because she'll miss the baby and where does that end? Also I think causing conflict by insisting that your way is doing exactly what you say your ex is trying to do - getting one over on him. As her dad he should get a say in whether she witnesses something like that. What if he had a baby with another woman, would you be happy for her to watch that? 8 years old is too young to have the final say in what she's doing and teaching her that dad's opinion can be ignored is very poor.

I do not buy the "he tells her she's not in the family" stuff. My DSC are told they don't have a dad 12 days out of 14 but when they come here they know they do. It's not great but they know the truth and I'm sure your daughter does too.

My DSC didn't meet their sister til 4 weeks after she was born because exW refused to allow them to come here. They were sad for a little time but got over it and are now incredibly close with her.

Yes it would be nice for your DD to be there but YABU to unilaterally cancel contact just in case you happen to go into labour on those two days.

Hulababy · 27/10/2014 08:17

Here us absolutely nothing wrong wih a child being present at the birth of their sibling.

It may not be appropriate for some children but for many others it is fine. It has to be a personal decision between the child and the mother.

I never realised so many people were so squeamish. A birth is not a deeply unpleasant event. So long as the child is fully briefed beforehand and has options to leave and be safely cared for (which the op has made arrangements for anyway) then it's up to them. Not all children are delicate little flowers who need wrapping in cotton wool every second of the day.

Give the OP some credit that she may actually know her dd better than anyone else on here!

As for the contact weekend... It would be nice for the father to be flexible regarding bring the dd home if the birth starts, especially as he has already expected flexibility himself. But some adults are selfish and will always out their own needs first.

Just make sure your dd is assured constantly how much you all love her and how much she is part of the family, and if she does miss the birth, let her have the first hold the second she arrives if at all possible - with baby not being in mum's arms as she comes through the door, but mum ready to welcome her dd home first. And maybe a special gift from baby or a photo of her after she's born.

Fwiw a child missing a day of school for their siblings birth would, ime, be classes as exceptional reasons and be authorised!

smashboxmashbox · 27/10/2014 08:11

I wouldn't have an eight year old at a birth if it was me doing the birthing. It's nothing to do with anything other than I don't think an 8 year old should be at any birth.

And me and my ex are amicable and co parent well and swap weekends and days and have a flexible contact arrangement so it's not about denying him time or refusing contact.

(As an example. This week is half term. I've had DD this weekend. I'm dropping her up to her dad today at 11 because I'm going out for lunch with a friend. She's staying up there tonight to go and touch her gran for money for a trip she's going on and she should be back to me tomorrow and then should be with her dad on Wednesday but she's off on a school trip and he's dropping her off on Tuesday morning ridiculously early to save me any hassle. Then on Friday I should be lifting her from the trip but it's his weekend so I'd be dropping her straight to him so he's picking her up from the trip. We should technically split the holiday 50/50)

Only1scoop · 27/10/2014 08:03

Exactly smash....

He probably has his own feelings on the subject.... Even though she would be 'free to leave the room or even the house with pil'....

Bowlersarm · 27/10/2014 07:56

Would you be cool with her being at the birth of any siblings on her fathers side, and moving everything to accommodate that?

If you are then Yanbu

(Although I don't understand wanting an 8 year old witnessing a birth myself)

smashboxmashbox · 27/10/2014 07:56

Only1scoop - that's what I keep coming back to.

The OP doesn't want discussion about whether her DD should be at the birth. But if I had an 8 year old and if my ex had a new partner who was having a baby, I would not want them there - wouldn't be able to stop it if it happened on their contact, but no way at all would I move contact to facilitate my child being there, because I really fundamentally disagree with an 8 year old being there.

Only1scoop · 27/10/2014 07:45

Maybe he actually doesn't want her there at your home birth but doesn't want to say ....as he fears getting shot down in flames....

I wouldn't really want my dd there if it was the other way around.

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Sallystyle · 27/10/2014 07:36

All I can say is thank god me and my ex could co-parent nicely enough to allow each other some flexibility when wanted or needed.

I couldn't imagine how horrible it must be to co-parent with someone who is rigid and inflexible for no other reason in this case, than some stupid need to control or just be an arse.

If your daughter wants to be there he should do it for her.

diddl · 27/10/2014 06:50

I'm sure that Ops daughter will be able to do plenty of stuff to bond with the baby if she isn't there fore the birth.

ArsenicChaseScream · 27/10/2014 05:19

As for the birth why would you want your DC at the birth of someone else's child,

YANBU OP

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