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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:

ArabellaTarantella · 26/10/2014 12:00

What happens if she is at school when you are about to give birth?

LuisSuarezFangs · 26/10/2014 12:03

Maybe your DD's father doesn't think it's appropriate for her to be at the birth - he has a say in it, surely?

Andrewofgg · 26/10/2014 12:07

If I were the ex I would be saying "and what if she is late and I cannot have the next weekend either?".

YABU. Stick with agreed dates.

guitarosauras · 26/10/2014 12:16

Are you going to keep her off school leading up to the birth in case she misses out?

Wouldn't it be great if babies had an eject button so you could gather everyone around at a suitable time to give birth.

GhoulsOfTheHauntingDamned · 26/10/2014 12:19

Jesus fucking christ! I can't believe how many posters are being so rude and nasty about the OP wanting her daughter at the birth.

"What if something goes wrong? Are you going to invite the neighbours in as well for a good gawp?"

" If the OP wants family members to be actually present at the birth gawping, she should hold a garden party and invite all and sundry at £1 each to come to watch. Having the event in a garden would allow plenty of room for everyone. A platform could be erected (or would more people be able to see what's going on if it were down in a sunken pit?). The daughter could have her own special grandstand point and give a commentary on what she can see. For those at the back, binoculars could be offered at a small charge."

These are the types of narrow minded rude creeps who also declare "I'm not racist, but..." "I'm not homophobic, but..."

The OP never asked for anyone's opinion on whether her daughter should be at her home birth, she probably couldn't give a flying fuck what those of you who are so fricking offended by it think. She's only asking on whether she'd be right in stopping contact with the dd's wanker of a father. Obviously quite a few people can't read properly.

OP YANBU. If he can't be relied on to bring her back for such an important event that quite obviously can't be planned then I would stop contact until after the baby is born. I think the effect on her if she missed the birth would be far more detrimental than a few weeks of missing contact with her "father".

SoonToBeSix · 26/10/2014 12:21

Yabu a home birth is no place for a little girl, what if there are complications that could be very scary for her.

Annunziata · 26/10/2014 12:22

YABU. No place for a child.

guitarosauras · 26/10/2014 12:28

I also disagree with posters saying it is wrong to have her at the birth. My 8 yo would be mortified but he is not the op's dd.

op knows her dd best.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 12:31

I thought my op was obvious that PIL are around next weekend to help with the kids should they wish to leave the house if baby is born then, they won't actually be at the birth! I have had a home birth before. PIL are on hand for emergencies. DD was at the last birth and loved it - not really interested in people saying she shouldn't be there, it wasn't what I asked.

Her father doesn't care if she's at the birth, he just likes the thought of having something over me/DD. In an ideal world, he'd have DD all day Saturday and Sunday but return her at bedtime Saturday in case it happened during the night. If baby was late the same thing could happen next weekend, therefore he'd actually have more contact than usual but just two less overnights which could be made up along the line.

To whoever asked if I change for him - yes, I do. He cancelled contact three times with less than an hours notice when his GF baby was due as she had false alarms and I had to leave work to collect DD.

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 12:32

as the birth cant be planned and could happen in the middle of the night,then op is BU

I'd also like to know what woud happen if the baby happened to arrive on a schoolday......would your dd be brought home for it or not even sent in???

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 12:39

Yes she'd miss school. Like she did when we had to take her to PIL when I had a hospital birth. One day for the birth of a sibling is no big deal in year 3.

OP posts:

Stripylikeatiger · 26/10/2014 12:41

Yanbu but I think that at this stage you should try to limit the damage this situation could cause. If you refuse to send dd to her dad next weekend I'd imagine it would cause more bad feeling, if you send her and the baby is born it would be a Shane that she missed out, but when you look at the big picture you need to keep telling her that a first cuddle is lovely but it doesn't matter if that cuddle is 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks after the birth what matters is that your dd is going to be such a fun, kind, special big sister regardless of how soon she meets her sibling.

Maybe you won't go into labour until your dd is at home, I have been reading about women only going into labour when their dp's are close or childcare is in place for their older dc (I'm 4 days overdue and desperate for the baby to come!)

Stripylikeatiger · 26/10/2014 12:43

I would think an 8 year old girl is going to learn considerably more seeing a birth than they would learn in a day at school!

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 12:44

It's no good me telling her that though stripy if her dad tells her the complete opposite and tells her I'm lying and don't want her here

OP posts:

chasingtheegg · 26/10/2014 12:44

Blimey. Your getting a kicking here op!

Fwiw I was present at two of siblings birth (7 years and 9 years old at the time) .. loved every minute. I'll be allowing my dc1 to attend dc2 if it happens (and they want to) .. you've got pil on hand if she gets bored/doesn't want to/you need transferring. Really can't see why everyone's knickers are so twisted.

I think your ex should be more flexible but I'm not sure what you can do to change his mind?

Stripylikeatiger · 26/10/2014 12:47

It sounds like he is emotionally abusive, is there some sort of family therapy you can access? What a vile thing to say to a child.

I guess the only thing you can do is to keep telling her how much you want and love her.

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 12:51

but we all say that as our reasoning behind removing kids from school....for whatever reason......'they will learn more at a museum with family/at a wedding/at the beach etc etc'

that's why the rules are being so harsh.....you don't get to choose whats more important. you either sign up for school or you home educate

Sirzy · 26/10/2014 12:54

I think given you can't predict when it will happen yabu unless you plan on keeping her at home for a month "just incase" then what?

Surely it's better to carry on with life as normal, if she is there great if not then it's one less thing for you to worry about anyway as she is safe with her dad/at school

smashboxmashbox · 26/10/2014 12:54

What about DSC? Have you asked their mother to be flexible so they can be there too?

2minsofyourtime · 26/10/2014 12:55

Yabu, there's no different between to him saying he won't bring her home and you saying he can't see her.

Onethirdamidwife · 26/10/2014 13:00

I can't believe how many posts there are saying an 8 yr old shouldn't be at the birth!!!!

Wakey wakey you've obviously all been medicalised and see birth as a traumatic experience not the natural beautiful normality.

OP of course your daughter should be there if she wants - it will be an amazing experience and will cement the notion that birth is a normal natural every day occurrence. Would dd phone dad and tell him she wants to stay home and will swop weekends???

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 13:04

"He cancelled contact three times with less than an hours notice when his GF baby was due as she had false alarms and I had to leave work to collect DD."

Just a little bit different.

HowlCapone · 26/10/2014 13:05

there's no different between to him saying he won't bring her home and you saying he can't see her.

Absolutely.

smashboxmashbox · 26/10/2014 13:06

Not all births are natural and beautiful and normal and the OP has no way of knowing before it all kicks off which sort she's going to get.

mummytime · 26/10/2014 13:12

My last birth was as close to "natural" as you can get - nearly an unplanned home birth. My DC would still rather have not witnessed as much as they did.

You have to go back thousands of years to find a culture in which birth in the presence of children is seen as normal. There is a reason for this!

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