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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:
motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 09:45

Yes but she didn't ask him to give up his weekend . She asked him to be flexible so that if things DID happen dd could stay with the family and go to her dads next weekend instead

mummytime · 26/10/2014 09:47

I think you are mad!

I went into labour very quickly with DC3, my other two were 7 and 4 at the time, and I think it put them off children for life. And they weren't actually there at the birth.

Even if you are having a home birth it isn't a spectator sport, also babies don't come "on time".

TracyBarlow · 26/10/2014 09:48

YABU. She really doesn't need to be there for the birth. I mean, I guess it's up to you if you want lots of people there to,spectate but it's unreasonable to expect your ex to chane his contact weekend just on the off-chance you might give birth on one of those two days.

diddl · 26/10/2014 09:49

sorry, i misread the op.
i thought you wanted him to not have her the whole weekend in case you gave birthBlush

well, it would be nice if he would bring her back asap if necessary.

but if not, it's not as if baby would be weeks old before she sees him/her.

QuillPen · 26/10/2014 09:50

What happens if baby doesn't come this weekend? Do you keep her home the next weekend too and the one afterwards?

YABU. But so is he if he wouldn't bring her back IF you go into labour and SHE wants to be there. However, weighing out both sides, I think she should go to her dads and take the chance she might miss The Show.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 09:50

I'm gobsmacked that you would want any of your parents/kids in the house at all. Send the PIL and step kids out for ice cream as soon as it starts getting sweaty.

That's one experience that nobody should be made to witness IMHO. Mum, dad and midwife only. Bizarre.

notquiteruralbliss · 26/10/2014 09:54

I really don't get the 'children shouldn't be present at a home birth' thing. My older 3 DCs have all been around still the births of their younger siblings, showing various degrees of interest from occasionally wandering into the room to being in the pool ready to catch new baby.

vitabrits · 26/10/2014 09:55

It's not unheard of for some families to have parents and kids in the house/birthing room. And it sounds like op has had a few kids so probably feels quite confident about the birthing process.

motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 09:56

Doobledootch, i think it is more disgusting that this little girls father is putting his own feelings over what his daughter wants and is then trying to undermine and upset his daughter further by making out that she is not wanted as part of op's new family. To me that is disgusting and can cause serious long term problems.
The op already knows that he us doing this, to say to the dad in front of the daughter how important it is to the family that she is there is ensuring that he cant make out that she isn't wanted

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 09:57

My 2 dd's were at my HB with number 5.... Was a lovely experience, but at 12 and 14 it didn't seem wrong.

It's not put them off childbirth either

smashboxmashbox · 26/10/2014 10:00

What if something goes wrong?

Are you going to invite the neighbours in as well for a good gawp?

HandsomeEddy · 26/10/2014 10:03

Did you discuss allowing your 8 year old to be at the birth with her dad?
Is that his issue? Maybe he think it's inappropriate? Tbh I wouldn't be happy if I were told that was happening with my child.

HappyAgainOneDay · 26/10/2014 10:11

There needs to be room for the nursing staff necessary for any birth. If the OP wants family members to be actually present at the birth gawping, she should hold a garden party and invite all and sundry at £1 each to come to watch. Having the event in a garden would allow plenty of room for everyone. A platform could be erected (or would more people be able to see what's going on if it were down in a sunken pit?). The daughter could have her own special grandstand point and give a commentary on what she can see. For those at the back, binoculars could be offered at a small charge.

When did the birth process cease to be private and personal? Dear God!

HappyAgainOneDay · 26/10/2014 10:12
Grin
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 26/10/2014 10:15

Ridiculous. What next siblings demanding they be there at conception? Why anyone thinks it's remotely appropriate for a child to see their mum squeeze a baby out their nethers is beyond me

Flisspaps · 26/10/2014 10:15

YABU.

diddl · 26/10/2014 10:18

" i think it is more disgusting that this little girls father is putting his own feelings over what his daughter wants"

she's 8.

Sometimes parents have to say no!

what is wrong is that he tells her that she isn't part of the family.

wanting to see her for his weekend as usual doen't seem "wrong" to me tbh.

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 10:19

The 2 midwives I had at my HB put my 2 dd's to work straightaway!

Gave them jobs and were great at involving them.

pluCaChange · 26/10/2014 10:22

DD (and the other children, as FunkyBoldRibena noted) will get in the way, whether they are distressed or excited.

However, from your other threads, both your ex and your current partner sound like utter twats. There's not much time to work on this before the birth, but do consider where your DD can find some decent, stable adults, who will take care of her. Are your PIL (through either ex or current partner) kind to her? What about your parents?

A day out, with grownups who can really look after her, would be a real treat. If ex's parents fit this bill, get them to join in for that particular weekend, so you put off the contact argument with ex, but without putting DD in a positionin which she's going to have poison dripped in her ears about her worth, her place in more family than one, her essential value as a person.

This needs more work,longer-term, though!

Nomama · 26/10/2014 10:25

Crikey! What happened to kids over the last few decades? Did they suddenly become made from glass, emotionally and physically?

Being there at the birth of a younger sibling, home or hospital, is one of the highlights/bonding themes in my whole family. We have all seen/been seen. Those who aren't interested go next door and drink tea!

I thought that was normal, until moving South getting older I realised that male gynaecologists, children husbands, mums are all unwelcome at was seems to have become the most private/scary thing a woman can do!

BertieBotts · 26/10/2014 10:42

It would be nice if people could put their own feelings about whether children should be present at birth aside and look at the issue of whether a contact weekend should be changed for an experience that is part of the family and very unlikely to ever be repeated.

Think of it as a family wedding or a christening or something if you're squeamish about birth.

5madthings · 26/10/2014 11:06

What Bertie said!

Op yanbu in asking him to be flexible with contact. It's s shame she can't go to her dad's and then if it all kicks off you can call him and he bring her back but you clearly don't trust him to do this? And it would depend on distance and how quickly you Labour etc.

The problem with not going is baby can arrive up to two weeks or more late so she may miss a few weekends. Labour is a fickle business and you may be early as you were before but you may not.

I am assuming you have contingency plans for if your dd changes her mind or an emergency etc.

Seeing a siblings birth is amazing, ds1 saw madthing5 being born and he cut the cord and was one of the first people to hold her. They are treasured memories and I know he would have been gutted to have missed it.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2014 11:12

I don't think eight year olds should be present at the birth.

Flisspaps · 26/10/2014 11:46

Bertie - my view is that contact weekends are for the parent with contact to sort out, and it's up to them what happens.

The resident parent shouldn't cease contact or make alternative arrangements for these times (weddings, parties, attending a birth) if the other parent is due to have contact.

It shouldn't matter if the parent with weekend contact has made plans or not. Resident parent has days 1-5 with DC to do as they wish, contact parent has days 6-7.

Black and white, yes. Simplistic, yes. That's from someone who grew up with divorced parents and a parent who had weekend contact that happened largely when it suited him (late pick ups, missed weekends etc).

BertieBotts · 26/10/2014 11:55

I grew up in exactly the same situation and I still think that for unmovable events like a birth, death, christening, wedding etc the event takes precedence. It's unrealistic to expect such things to be moved around a child's contact schedule. For one thing what if there is more than one child from divorced parents in the family? A couple can't change their wedding date to fit with all of them.

What if it was a much loved grandparent who was dying? You can't move or predict that either.

I understand for most things and wouldn't advocate moving contact for a birthday party or something but for this? Yes I would always say change it. He can have her the next weekend.

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