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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 26/10/2014 17:24

Equally, should your Ex have to run his contact around your social life?

Gosh, yes, attending family weddings, funerals, births...is all my social life isn't it?! I should bow down to his superior being and beg to be allowed to take our children to our family events.

smashboxmashbox · 26/10/2014 17:26

I would, and have never, refused my ex to swap contact for weddings/funerals/family birthday parties but with an 8 year old I absolutely would not allow them to be at a birth and I would not swap.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 17:39

fedupbutfine

So if the ex has organised something it should be entirely secondary to what you want? (funerals being the exception).

I would assume that for a wedding you would ask for a change of date many months in advance.

As for the birth why would you want your DC at the birth of someone else's child, and even those that have agreed with op have said that having her parents there is a good thing if the child gets bored or distresses, if this is a worry then why shouldn't the child be with their dad?

Andrewofgg · 26/10/2014 17:46

fedupbutfine If he gets, say, the first weekend of the month they yes, that's got to be sacrosanct (funerals as Boney says excepted, and then you must expect to give him another weekend of his choice).

If he announced that his DSis or whoever was getting married on another Saturday and he required a change are you absolutely certain that whatever you might have planned for that weekend you would agree?

If not why should he - even if this were a fixed event and not a moveable feast?

Hmmmwhatnow · 26/10/2014 17:50

I think anyone who wants a DC at the birth is naive. Birth can be beautiful and natural and still have a terrible ending that I can't imagine a child ever being able to deal with witnessing first hand and there isn't always any indication that would allow you time to remove them from the room trust me.

On the actual contact issue I think YABU in a way as you can't be sure baby will arrive. But YANBU to want her as involved as the others if get dad will poison her in that way. Not sure what I'd do tbh!

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2014 18:32

As for the birth why would you want your DC at the birth of someone else's child,

It's her mother's child. Her sibling.

She'll at the very least, want to meet her as soon as she can, no?

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 19:52

The opinion itself isn't vile. But the way several of them are being expressed certainly is. ghouls illustrated it very well.

Homebirthquestion · 26/10/2014 19:58

Yanbu. Keep her home if he can't be trusted. How sad for her that he behaves like that.

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 20:01

Oh and I've had a stillbirth and would still allow children who wanted to be at a birth as long as both myself and the midwife were happy. Hardly naive.

fedupbutfine · 26/10/2014 20:02

fedupbutfine If he gets, say, the first weekend of the month they yes, that's got to be sacrosanct (funerals as Boney says excepted, and then you must expect to give him another weekend of his choice).If he announced that his DSis or whoever was getting married on another Saturday and he required a change are you absolutely certain that whatever you might have planned for that weekend you would agree? If not why should he - even if this were a fixed event and not a moveable feast?

good god, is there no end to it?

I personally have no issue with flexibility. My ex does. Consequently, my children missed my father's funeral because it was my ex's 'time' to be with them. Please don't patronise me - I know exactly what inflexibility does to a family and it is not behaviour I would inflict on anyone, let alone my ex.

So if the ex has organised something it should be entirely secondary to what you want? (funerals being the exception). I would assume that for a wedding you would ask for a change of date many months in advance

And what if it's short notice? Should it really matter? People are entitled to have their weddings/funerals/engagements/anniversaries and other important events on days that suit them. They're entitled to plan long-term and to be spontaneous with a few day's notice. Children have a right to be part of the family and to be able to attend - for both sides of a family, even when relationships have broken down. No decent parent should be seeking to withhold their child from that.

I accept that for a parent who has limited contact with their children that regular changing dates, not offering alternatives etc. is frustrating and distressing. We're not, however, discussing a situation which is going to happen every day and there is nothing to suggest that the OP has a history of contact blocking or shifting about with the intention of reducing scarce contact to no contact. Dad in this case needs to get over himself and accept his ex has moved on - the mere suggestion to a child of 8 that she somehow isn't really part of her mum's family is appalling and could never be considered to be acting in her best interests. If he were showing more maturity and/or flexibility (ie by suggesting he will bring her back if mum goes into labour), then I would be less than sympathetic towards the OP. As it is, she has a difficult choice to make to ensure that her child doesn't feel pushed out with the birth of an additional sibling - dad needs to support, not work against that fact.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 20:10

Fedup

So if your ex has had a holiday planned for months, (many book whilst they are on holiday for the same place next year, so 12 months), or has a planned event with his family, your event should trump his?

Not all events are weddings, funerals etc. sometimes its just his parents visiting on his weekend.

We nor the OP knows whether the Ex has anything planned for the weekend and TBH its his weekend so why should he have to justify what he is doing?

Hmmmwhatnow · 26/10/2014 20:18

I'm surprised Slimy honestly, would you really have been happy for your DC to face that raw agony as it happened?

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 20:23

You think that's what I said?

Very few stillbirths happen without prior knowledge. At the point of struggling to find a heartbeat, DC would have been taken out.

Would be quite rare to have a totally unexpected stillbirth considering baby movements and HB being checked before pushing etc. And if baby was born not breathing, that is an emergency like any other.

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 20:28

I'd actually like to apologise for my last post considering the OP. I got sidetracked and shouldn't have mentioned stillbirth.

Massive advocate of homebirth even after my history (I had a home vbac after stillbirth) and think your dd being there would be great and I hope xh doesn't get a chance to block it.

fedupbutfine · 26/10/2014 21:08

seriously? where I have I even suggested that 'my' events should trump my exs? I have said that children need to be allowed to be part of both their parent's families and attend family events. Some logic, flexibility and reasonableness needs to be applied.

If someone can book a holiday 12 months in advance (did they bother consulting with their ex on that one or did they just assume 12 months in advance was enough notice?), 6 - 9 months is a long enough time to know that a sibling is going to be born and that some flexibility around contact arrangements at that time might be required. Any decent person wanting the best for their children would recognise that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 21:18

So 6 - 9 months is long enough notice but but 12 months isn't enough notice?

And as has been posted there is no definitive way that we know that the OP will give birth on that weekend. The OP could give birth in the week and then demand that the Ex still gives up his weekend as the DD must be their for the New child's first weekend.

"where I have I even suggested that 'my' events should trump my exs?" you have insinuated that anytime you have a "family event" your Ex should give up his time with his DC.

saoirse31 · 26/10/2014 21:23

Think yabu with regard to your dds time with her father. esp since u say she's been at birth of sibling before. even more esp cos she's eight.

Marmiteandjamislush · 26/10/2014 21:38

Sorry OP, but I think that you are being unreasonable and selfish, not re. the contact but putting a child through such an adult event. Unless you are super human you will make noise and sound in pain and things could go wrong.

fedupbutfine · 26/10/2014 21:53

you have insinuated that anytime you have a "family event" your Ex should give up his time with his DC

I made it quite clear that my personal experience of an ex who refused to allow our children to attend my father's funeral very much coloured my views on this issue and I stated that I believed children should be allowed to be a part of family events. There is no suggestion that means my ex should give up his time with the DC as a result. I also made it very clear that despite the shit my ex had put my family through, I would never consider doing the same to him and his family. Or did you convenientlymiss that bit? The key is flexibility and recognising the importance of a particular event or holiday or whatever it is to both the children and the parent concerned.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 22:21

Boney he's made it clear he has nothing planned, he just likes the control saying no brings. And it isn't the birth of 'someone else's child', it's his daughters sibling.

OP posts:
Mascaramascara1 · 26/10/2014 22:33

Personally I don't think an 8 year old should be present at a birth.

But, for wanting flexibility or for her to be home for the weekend closest to when you give birth, yanbu.

Even if you were giving birth and your dd would just be waiting in the next room, but wanted to spend the next couple of days being able to see her new sibling, that's completely understandable from both her and your pov. If you offer extra contact to make up for it there's no need for him to be arsey about it.

I would just put my foot down and say that if you're in labour on x weekend, dd will be staying at home to welcome her new sibling. He can have the next weekend instead. End of.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 22:49

She has the freedom to leave the room, or even house with PIL, she won't be forced to be there should she change her mind. But I can understand her POV that she'd be sad that the other siblings had the first hours/days with the baby and she missed out on that. I think he takes me wanting DD there as a criticism of his choice not to see DD for several weeks before/after his GF had their baby and for some reason thinks I should want the same.

OP posts:
Molio · 26/10/2014 22:56

Completely unreasonable. An 8yo shouldn't be anywhere within earshot of where her mother is giving birth. If things go wrong, an 8yo could be seriously traumatized. Even if things are fine and she only gets to see a new sibling two days later, that's easily good enough and a perfectly acceptable option.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 22:58

Cloudia

Someone else's child was in response to Fedup

Fedup

yes, give and take is the key, that we can agree on. But sometimes what happens doesn't fit nicely in to some one else's life, things are planned and cannot be altered.

MexicanSpringtime · 27/10/2014 04:20

YABU in even asking OP. I don't know or have an opinion about children being present at births, but that is what your dd wants and her father should want that for her too. Assuming that you aren't always cancelling on him, the important thing is what your dd wants.

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