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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop contact so DD can attend her siblings birth?

152 replies

CloudiaPickle · 26/10/2014 09:27

DD is 8 and has been extremely excited throughout my pregnancy. This is going to be her final sibling and she has been saying all the way through that she really wants to be at the (home) birth and to be one of the first to hold the baby etc.

Baby is due on November 3rd and other DC were a few days early. DD is supposed to be at her fathers next weekend. I asked that he be flexible so DD could be here for thr birth if that's when things happen and said he could have the following weekend instead. He has said no outright and refuses to discuss other than admitting he has no plans either weekend.

My DSC and PIL are around next weekend so it could end up that DD is the only one not included in the birth/day after birth. Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her.

Aibu to keep her next weekend if necessary?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 26/10/2014 13:16

Not thousands, maybe a hundred or two.

The OP isn't asking about the birth, anyway. She's asking about contact.

If anybody had thought for five seconds or googled, they'd find that where older siblings are to be present at the birth it's common practice to have an adult assigned to each child to take them out if it's getting distressing, boring, or they are distracting the labouring woman.

Ah well, OP, I'm sure you can go down the thread, disregard any comments which aren't answering the actual question and get your answer.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2014 13:16

YANBU at all, no I would not mind if the situation was reversed, as long as we have contact the following week. This is a one off event, not a regular thing.

BertieBotts · 26/10/2014 13:25

So far I count 10 YABUs, 11 YANBUs and 3 fence sitters, disregarding any posts which are made on the basis of "Children shouldn't be at a home birth".

DixieNormas · 26/10/2014 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 26/10/2014 13:49

What a load of old guff onethird. Unsurprisingly enough, most of us on here have had children ourselves- what with this being Mumsnet an' all- and are quite capable of deciding for ourselves whether we think childbirth is something a young child should witness. FWIW my births were easily the most upsetting/painful of my life. A young child watching their mummy suffering in that way is unlikely to find anything "beautiful" in the experience.

But back to the OP, YANBU to ask him to re-arrange contact for an important family occasion. But it's his right to refuse unfortunately.

Stripylikeatiger · 26/10/2014 13:56

but we all say that as our reasoning behind removing kids from school....for whatever reason......'they will learn more at a museum with family/at a wedding/at the beach etc etc'

I don't think anyone would argue that a day at school is going to be more educational for an 8 year old than witnessing a birth, especially for a girl who is likely to one day give birth herself. I'm an adult who has given birth myself but witnessing a birth, especially the birth of a close family member would be such an amazing experience.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2014 13:59

"Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her."
YANBU.

mynewpassion · 26/10/2014 14:22

Yabu. Let him have contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 15:23

I'm assuming that what you are saying is that IF you are already in labour at the weekend, is he willing to change weekends so DD can stay home. If that's so then YANBU. If you are saying that DD needs to stay at home JUST IN CASE you go into labour, then YABU. But a compromise to that would be if he agrees to bring her home early if you go into labour. Would he agree to that?

I'll keep my fingers crossed for a Wednesday baby so the whole problem gets avoided. Good luck to you and your family!

LosingAllTheLego · 26/10/2014 15:25

The difference between this and say a wedding is that the wedding wi definitely happen on a given date at a specified time. It isn't a case of it should be on 3rd November, but the bride and groom might turn up at the church any time before that.

As plenty of other people have already said, the baby could come when DD is at school, or doing any number of other things, so cancelling a contact weekend for it is completely wrong.

And then what happens when you've promised that the weekend will be swapped for the one after but the baby hasn't arrived yet? Or your DD is wanting to stay with the new baby if it has been born?

It's one thing children being present because they happen to be there, and another entirely to purposely plan for them to be there.

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2014 15:29

Her father has form for telling her she isn't a real part of this family because she's the only dc that isn't biologically dhs so could use this to be very hurtful to her."

I take it he doesn't tell her she's not part of his new family as his GF isn't her mother? Or does he?

It's a tricky one as he could potentially lose two weekends if the baby doesn't come as expected. Will he just turn up even if you say no?

And whether OP's dd witnesses the birth or not, she'll want to be there to meet the new baby as soon as she can, won't she? Ex is being VV unreasonable.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 26/10/2014 15:49

Do you have something he would really like? e.g. Christmas morning that you could hold over his head like a carrot?

fedupbutfine · 26/10/2014 15:53

The resident parent shouldn't cease contact or make alternative arrangements for these times (weddings, parties, attending a birth) if the other parent is due to have contact

are you suggesting my close family and/or friends should arrange their lives around my ex's contact if they want our children to be included?

Chunderella · 26/10/2014 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeybunny14 · 26/10/2014 16:08

Yabu let him have contact. I personally think an 8yro shouldn't be present at a birth.

starlight1234 · 26/10/2014 16:13

TO be honest I am going to put myself on the fence.

I think as DD has been to previous birth no real issue to be discussed.

I also think if you keep this weekend you may end up in the same position next weekend.

Also would you expect him to wake her up at midnight?

Sallystyle · 26/10/2014 16:24

I don't think it matters what our opinions are on children being at a birth.

It's not something I would want but I assume the OP knows her child the best and feel she can handle it, and it is at home so she doesn't have to stay and watch if things get too much for her. If the father is rejecting on the grounds of being concerned for his daughter over watching the birth than I could understand that more. That doesn't seem to be the case though.

Me and my ex were always very flexible with contact. If I wanted the children to stay at home one week because we had something important planned that couldn't be re-arranged he would go with it and I would do the same for him if he wanted to have them at any time.

He sounds like a prized arsehole. I personally don't agree with children at births but that is not my call to make and has no bearing on the fact that it is unreasonable to not be a little flexible with contact every now and then. We did it all the time with weddings, family parties etc. Sticking with dates so rigidly doesn't always work in real life and there needs to be give and take.

Sallystyle · 26/10/2014 16:26

Sorry for the awful grammar above!

I just woke up from a nap and need a coffee! I do know the difference between then and than ;)

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 16:26

Wow some pp are bring really vile about homebirth being a family event.

I had a HB 5 weeks ago. My mum saw baby being born (second time she has seen one of my births) and 18mo old DS was there for most of it, I put him to bed inbetween contractions. His presence helped keep me calm.

It was brilliant and not a soul in the world has the right to say it was wrong and that only DH and the midwife should have been there.

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 16:32

YANBU.

indigo18 · 26/10/2014 16:44

Big difference between an 18 month old and an 8 year old!

slimytoad · 26/10/2014 16:53

Yes, the 8 year old in question has seen birth before, and can be reasoned with and have it all explained to her before, during and after. So even more suitable.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 16:57

Wow some pp are bring really vile about homebirth being a family event.

Are they? Or perhaps they are just...wait for it, you might have to take a seat for this one...voicing their opinion. Yes folks, other people have other opinions. And just because they do, doesn't make those opinions vile.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/10/2014 16:58

fedupbutfine

Equally, should your Ex have to run his contact around your social life?

smashboxmashbox · 26/10/2014 17:00

I want to know if the mother of the DSC is having the same restrictions and demands placed on her.

And no, I don't think a birth is somewhere an 8 year old should be. For the simple reason that it can go wrong and an 8 year old doesn't need to see that, in just the same way that I would protect them from seeing other things they shouldn't see, in my opinion.

That doesn't make my opinion vile, it makes it different. And for the OP to think that she's not going to get opinions on whether or not the 8 year old should be at the birth when she posted in AIBU is rather naive, to say the least.