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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:45

Without this I think he'll still maintain that he went away alone/had a house sitter etc. I need. Smoking gun!!

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 12/10/2014 02:47

What do you hope to get from this, though?

ChippingInLatteLover · 12/10/2014 02:47

Not near enough, sorry. But if I were you, I'd move back in with the kids :) Put his stuff in a lock up somewhere and tell him you've left the key to it with a mate/his parents.

YonicScrewdriver · 12/10/2014 02:48

And don't inflict criminal damage etc - you don't want the police on top of everything.

AlpacaMyBags · 12/10/2014 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 12/10/2014 02:59

Hmm can't see you getting many takers on this one sorry :(

missingmumxox · 12/10/2014 03:01

Don't fuck the house, if you jointly own it then that's your money too.

Don't bean arse, you are hurting but really do you want the rep of the mental ex?

Also he will now any damage is you due to the door open text.

Do start taking stuff you can pawn, in leu of maintenance, leave him the tickets to redeem if he wishes. Make sure you document all of this, just take stuff that could be joint, so not his clothes or work stuff but everything else is fair game...

Phoenix2014 · 12/10/2014 03:04

You refer to it as "my house".
If you jointly own it then you need to get it back. Do it while he's away. So what if he has another woman. Getting back your house so you and your kids have somewhere that's yours (?) to live is surely more important. Let him rent for a bit.
Forget about criminal damage. Maintain the moral high ground.

CallMeExhausted · 12/10/2014 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SavoyCabbage · 12/10/2014 03:45

I'd move back in. And change the locks.

sykadelic · 12/10/2014 04:05

Agree with moving back in and filing paperwork to get sole occupation of the house. It IS your house too after all.

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 12/10/2014 04:12

Agree with everything above. There is plenty to gain from moving in and getting your paperwork sorted, and nothing to gain from a picture of her. Frankly, if she is a major fixture you'll be seeing her in the flesh at some point sooner than you'd like anyway.

He's an arse, don't let his arse-rye distract you from looking after your long term needs here.

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 12/10/2014 04:13

Arse-rye? Arsery...

googoodolly · 12/10/2014 05:08

I wouldn't bother getting his photo, I'd move back in, move his stuff out and change the locks on the pair of them! Most courts want the children to stay in the family home, so if you were primary carer, you have a LOT more rights than he does to the house.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 05:34

She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

You're separated. Why shouldn't she date a single man and park her car where she likes? Hmm

I hope you get arrested for criminal damage if you so much as touch it.

You sound unhinged.

butterfliesinmytummy · 12/10/2014 05:40

Agree. Sort the house and admin. Be dignified and keep the moral high ground. The OW might be step mum to your kids one day....

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 05:49

grow the fuck up and be a parent. and you sound unhinged.

Come on people give the woman a break. Yes she clearly she isn't thinking straight and her head isn't focused in the right direction. But, she has just left an abusive partner with nothing but the clothes on her back and the guy is lying about his finances. Yes give her some straight advice but she really doesn't deserve nasty comments such as these!

Op, seriously as others have said it doesn't mater if his seeing someone else. You are separated now. Focus on how you get the best result for you and your DC. Have you seen a lawyer and received any legal advice? That's your first step. Go and find out exactly what your position.

Also, your DH is abusive. Only you know how abusive he is. Do you really think antagonising him is the best way of dealing with him right now? Try focusing on getting you and the kids sorted out.

Good luck Op.

DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 05:51

Am I right in thinking, to get HB (Like the OP states) you cannot own another property? Therefore the OP isnt on the deeds of the former family home.

lunar1 · 12/10/2014 05:56

I'd move back in, your children shouldn't have had to move. I'd also sell the games console and other crap he bought, this will obviously help him afford maintenance.

diggerdigsdogs · 12/10/2014 06:13

I think you need urgent legal advice for what you're entitield to - you should be in the house and he should be in rented accomodation.

I understand the desire for revenge and the need for a smoking gun but honestly when you divorce the judge won't give a fuck who was screwing who.

Also sort out child maintence(or whatever it's now called) should be done through official channels so he has no chance to say he can't afford it.

Worth starting a thread for help in relationships?

DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 06:26

Who owns the house?

If there is a mortgage outstanding and maint doesnt cover it, there won;t be any government help - the OP is probably better off in rented

CuttedUpPear · 12/10/2014 06:40

You don't need a photo. This isn't 1920. You can get divorced if you both want to without any need to prove a third party.

Please rise above this and concentrate on being the best mum you can to your kids.

As another poster said, you don't know if the OW might one day end up being Stepmum to your DCs.

If that's the case they will benefit from you having a good working relationship with her.

You need to react to this situation with dignity.

Take the house back by all means, put your energy into that.

Eva50 · 12/10/2014 06:45

Forget abusive dh and the OW, they deserve each other. Do not damage anything. Maintain the legal and moral high ground for your children. Get all your things and the children's things from the house and photocopy any documents that are in the house and may be useful for the future. If you post on relationships you will get good advice on this and other things that will serve you well.

You have left him. You have done the best thing that you could have done for you and the children. You are starting a new life for yourself don't let hatred and bitterness spoil it. He is not worth it.

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 06:48

Op, you can also ask for this thread to be moved to relationships. I am sure people will be understanding of your situation here but relationships is probably the right place for your thread.

In the meantime get some legal advice quickly Op.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 06:54

PeaPod there is a lot of relish in the OP.

"Keep 'em coming" (re 'plans' some womans car Hmm), "few surprises for him.." etc.

She is clearly planning nastiness/criminality. She's being quite lip smacky, hand rubby about it. It's not 'nasty' to tell her straight how she sounds.

She DOES sound unhinged. I am not saying so to be mean. I am so because I find her OP alarming.

She needs shocking out of this, fast.