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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:21

She's already texted and told him she was in the house and "checked" it for him.

Confused so she's admitted being in his house (she moved out remember) and hoking and poking about through his things.

If she moved out 10 weeks ago how would she know what was missing?

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:23

Opening mail that isn't addressed to you is an offence in certain circumstances unless you have a reasonable excuse. You had no reasonable excuse to open his mail and you potentially broke the law. You might want to consider stopping doing that.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:24

Whatever solicitor let you sink an inheritance into a house and not be put on the deeds should be struck off.

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 11:25

Fairenuff - 'I don't think OP is a new poster, she refers to us as 'our little nest of vipers' which is a phrase that a new poster probably wouldn't use.'

My friend is a regular poster and gave me the jargon to use :-)

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 12/10/2014 11:27

But didn't warn you off posting in AIBU?! Confused

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:28

Why say "our nest of vipers" - that implies inclusion in a group. Not that a "friend" told you what jargon to use. Confused

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 11:29

My inheritance came in a few weeks after the house was bought and was immediately transferred to him (as per the financial abuse) to pay for house and garden things etc. It was also partially given back to his parents who'd helped out on the deposit. I know, legally not a leg to stand on.

Opening mail - I guess we're both as guilty as each other.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:29

What did your solicitor say about leaving the house though OP? Did they not advise you to stay there with the children?

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:30

Have you got a trail that shows the money going from your account to theirs/his?

Were you married when the house was bought?

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 11:33

I was told AIBU had a lot more traffic and I'd get more response. I posted in Relationships ages ago before I left and only ever got one or two responses so gave up using Mumsnet then. Sorry if the use of 'our' implied that I was part of your group. I figured this forum is for all who use it (Mums etc) and people dip in and out of discussion topics. To use 'your' would make me feel like an outsider.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:33

so she's admitted being in his house

Head - desk.

It is HER house too. It is the marital home.

There is no way she's been told that she has no rights to be in the house.

She can go in there anytime she wants until there's a separation or divorce agreement put in place that states otherwise.

On another note; technically opening mail addressed to someone else is an offence but I can quite confidentially state that she would be in any sort of trouble for opening one letter addressed to her husband.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:35

She has moved out and is claiming housing benefit for another property. You can't have it both ways. Either she has the right to be in the family home, or she has forfeited that right to claim housing benefit.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:35

OK so up until I was officially divorced 2 years ago, I could have swanned up to my ex's house, walked in the back door and opened his post?

Yeah right.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:36

No, she hasn't forfeited the legal right to be in the property. Not yet.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:36

Waltermitty - well then she's claiming housing benefit fraudulently.

You can't have it both ways.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:36

Yes, OP cannot claim housing benefit if she already has a three storey, four bedroom house can she?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 12/10/2014 11:37

Re the front door being left open - Is it at all possible that the OW left the door open? Perhaps she's setting him up?

Because, although it's easy enough to forget to shut the front door (I've done that before and DPs done it twice) the one time you do make absolutely sure it's shut/locked is when you know you're going to be away for a while.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:38

I'm saying that just be casks something is technically against the law, that doesn't mean that you'll be punished for it.

Have you ever been arrested for jaywalking?

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:38

*because

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:39

I don't know if the system is very different in the UK but here you are entitled to certain benefits even if you own a house that you're not living in.

They are tied up with being a lone parent though.

Maybe that's how the OP is receiving her benefits.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:40

If she is committing benefit fraud she most certainly will be punished for it though. It's not the same as jaywalking.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:41

I was addressing paper's post about opening a letter, Fair.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:45

Oh right, yes she will probably get away with that provided it doesn't become a regular thing.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 11:46

In order to open the letter the OP went into a house she has voluntarily left and hoked about to find the letter and opened it.

I would hate if my ex did that and I think she was wrong to do it.

She can't claim housing benefit on a new home for her and the children whilst still claiming she has a right to the marital home. The OP could, in certain circumstances, be able to claim housing benefit if she had disclosed that her partner was violent and she had to flee the marital home. But she has stated on here that is not the case.

firesidechat · 12/10/2014 11:47

That's how she's able to have moved out and get housing benefit. Because even though she was married to this man, she was never put on the deeds of the house.

But if they are married and have children she doesn't need to be on the deeds. It is the marital home. This is all very odd.