AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

[Takebackcontrol]

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

Financial abuse is still abuse. Stop trying to start petty arguments with people. If you have any productive advice for the Op then give it. It's starting to look like you are simply here to have negative conversations with people and turning this into an argumentative thread. If you don't believe her, don't agree with her, then fine, say it but productively.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you can give it without insulting someone. And if you really don't believe her then report the thread.

Why on earth did you move out with the children?! You should have stayed in the family home and taken steps via a solicitor to have him move out. Normal situation is that the main carer stays in the family home and other parent moves out and pays maintenance / mortgage payments until the children are 18 and the house is sold and equity split equally.

I know you're angry but at this stage it makes no difference if he is shagging half of the UK. You can get divorced without mentioning adultery. I used unreasonable behaviour and didn't mention the ow at all. What's the point?

I know you're angry but all you are doing is hurting yourself and stopping yourself letting go.

PeaPod you were giving speeches about how abusive relationships affect one's ability to think properly. Many women have good reason to understand that PROPERLY.

Moving from one home to a smaller one and struggling to get CM paid properly are also unfortunate, but they aren't DV, they don't cause PTSD or traumatised thought. They do no result in uncontrollable urges to stalk, vandalize etc.

I think it is actually quite important to differentiate between DV and nonsense Pea if you want to pretend that that is me picking a fight, help yourself.

You really are here to have arguments with other posters. Enjoy.

Maybe she was just having a rant. This is just an Internet forum, not kplike she's looking to get her whacked. Maybe she was just blowing off steam. Come back OP. We're not all having a go...

Bloody hell, I had this happen to me, and I lost it for a bit. I got desperate. I know I'd been totally lied to and was desperate to know what the truth was. It's very hard to be left dealing with everything being told lies and struggling to cope. The advice that you move back in is the best. You can't change the locks, but you can add an extra one for your own safety.

I divorced my husband for adultery and cited the ow. He eventually admitted it, (a 5 year affair!) but I am telling you categorically now, unless he admits it, or you have a picture of them actually in the act....you won't be able to prove adultery any other way,the courts simply won't accept any other evidence. So I hope that saves you wasting your time skulking round airports ;)

Also, if there is evidence on money on his bank statement, that will come up on the form E that you do for your divorce.

I needed to get divorced and cite the other woman, the betrayal was immense, and this was the second family break up she had been involved in at their place of work. I felt she deserved it, and I'm glad I did it. They are very very angry about it...

BUT as fairy lea says...you could just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour too and be done with it.

10 weeks is still very early days, and I'm sure a mass of emotions are going thorough your head. It's hard, but I really would take the kids home and sort it from there. He needs to be renting not you, the kids need stability.

Btw, I'm three years in now, and the OW is my kids step mum. She hates me with a passion, and it's not been fun. Don't waste your energy on her. Xxx

Op ask for the thread to be moved to relationship if you are still reading it.

I don't suppose OP has received an inbox full of 'volunteers' to stalk the ExH at Gatwick airport.

The best advice the OP has had is to concentrate on looking after herself and her children legally and financially. I don't think her ideas about some kind of revenge and her focus on her ex's alleged relationship with someone else is helping her in that respect.

What further help is she likely to be offered in Relationships, LittlePeaPod?

Why do you want a picture of her? You have no evidence she is the OW at all.

If the house is in joint names, move back in. You can't change the locks, though, if he's on the deeds. Well, you can, but you have to give him a key.

There is a lot of nastiness on here towards the OP. This woman is in hell. Yes she needs some advice and definitely to put her off this idea, but the way some people have responded is shocking.

OP, it sounds like we are going through similar. But the twat left me 2 months ago and i discovered the affair about 2 weeks later.
there is many many times when i have pictured revenge. When i have had some pretty vivid dreams of causing them both serious harm. But, you know what, it won't achieve anything but hurt me and my dc. I need to make sure that i keep my actions legal and morally right as if/when this goes to the solicitors i will be able to keep my head high.

It hurts. Physically hurts. I won't lie, I am not coping well with 2 dc (one very young with chronic medical issues) and all my emotions.

Why do you need the pic? Evidence? Check the phone bill. This will be more likely to prove when it started.

Arsenic, I don't see why you're getting such a hard time.

OP this is your estranged husband's girlfriend. This is not the "other woman". You're no longer with this man. You left him. Bluntly, he can date, wine and dine and shag who he likes.

You're asking strangers on the internet to stalk a woman. You're indicating that you're going to commit or you're at least thinking of committing criminal damage upon her property. You have "a few surprises" for your ex when he returns. Are they criminal too?

You're going to be accused of being a bunny boiler if you carry on like this.

Do yourself and your kids a favour, return to the family home with the children if you've a legal right to. Don't even think about changing the locks and refusing access to your ex because that would be illegal. Take legal advice and start divorce proceedings. Put your kids first and not your anger.

"I have a few surprises for him when he gets back"

What exactly do you have in mind, OP?

Few too many coincidences between this and the film plot for The Other Woman....

x-post with Shirley

Blimey, first of all thanks for taking the time to respond. It seems as if everyone has gathered I'll be taking this to a much higher level than I had planned!

Any plans I have in mind were to leave a set of holiday brochures on the table for expensive destinations and take the tent he's refused to let me have so I can take the kids away. A friend suggested popping some cress seeds onto the car bonnet for fun but to be honest, even that is taking it a bit too far for me! I like the idea of funny revenge much more than the reality of it. Though I did think about moving the gate lock down slightly so he'd have to look silly in the early hours trying to climb over when they return! Please don't say that's mental - come on, it's funny!

For a long time, I felt guilty about how much I might have hurt him by leaving and have fought every instinct to go back under his control. Financial abuse can be very mind altering. I have done nothing to retaliate and have always conducted myself with dignity. The family have not spoken to me since as he's insinuated I probably met someone else and have secret money. He tells our daughter I should make my own money so he doesn't have to give me all of his and he can't afford to buy her a teddy, and Mummy might have a new boyfriend soon. With each instance I speak to her calmly and in a way a child might understand and have never or will ever criticize her Daddy. I only explain that we weren't happy, love them both still very much and I choose to live in a little house now so we can do lovely things together.

When I left I knew to leave the house was my only option. It's in his name and I know I technically own half of it but I'm not pushing for sale as I know he has bad credit and would struggle to even rent somewhere else. Above all else I wanted the kids to still be able to go back to the home they recognise which was the main reason for leaving almost everything. I would never think to damage a thing in there.

My friends thought I could do with getting a little more angry and I needed a push to 'see' things as they really are. As much as I did feel anger when I realised how much he had, it doesn't sit well with me to feel that way for longer than a day or two. My overriding feeling now is one of sadness at the idea he's taken someone on a holiday we apparently could never afford.

If moving else I thought a picture would allow me to fully realise there is no redemption for him and it might be enough to stop him guilt tripping me into thinking I've destroyed his life.

You are all right, that it is a bit of madness to ask this but late at nite it's nice to feel a bit naughty and scheming instead of all the other emotions I've been feeling.

This woman may not know how recently we split or she may have been his mistress all I do know is that if he ever gets serious enough to have her meet the kids I will always be the picture of loveliness with her. My best idea of revenge is to make him think I'm and have her question all the nasty things he must say about me while she thinks I'm always nice and accommodating!

You're going to gaslight him?

Seriously not a good idea.

You should be earning your own money. He should be paying maintenance too, but you should be earning your own money.

You should be pushing for the sale of the house - were you married or just partners?

Have you had counselling? I think you could benefit from some, if you haven't had some already.

Be careful how you explain things - " I speak to her calmly and in a way a child might understand" - that is chilling. You should just breezily move the conversation on, in my opinion, and don't get into explaining to her in a way she will understand.

I can't put my finger on what it is that unsettles me about your posts, but there is definitely something that comes across as just not quite right.

Op. I am so sorry you and the children are going through this. I am sure most people have had a rant and said things they don't mean. As others have said not sure if you already have get some legal advice so you understand your position.

If he can afford to buy all of those things you said he'd bought, I'd leave him to worry about how he's going to afford the rent and I'd move the kids back in. You are married so it doesn't matter whose name the house is in.

It's 'chilling' to speak to a child calmly? What a lot of rubbish.

It is hard to move on when you've been really hurt. People are right though. Just focus on you and the children.

Have you had legal advice?

Do you mind me asking why you left with only the shirt on your back, as opposed to separating the more usual way with you and your kids belongings?

Why did you need to leave him in secret?

"it's nice to feel a bit naughty and scheming"

Really?

Feeling "a bit naughty" is something I'd associate with a child, not a grown woman with children to look after.

And I walked out in the clothes I stood up in. And he got the house. And I rent. And he had another woman. An OW. For definite. He admitted it.

But I never ever ever planned to have a few surprises for him when he got back from holiday or gaslight him.