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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 07:01

Arsenic. We can tell her any plans for criminality will result in legal proceedings but telling her she is "unhinged" isn't productive at all, simply nasty!

Unless people have lived in abusive relationships and have had to live like she did and be left with no money/kids to look after then really they have no idea how this would impact their mentality or ability to think straight. Yes straight answer are great but resulting to insults to make a point isn't really. She is likely not going to come back to the thread to get advice and helps she clearly needs.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 07:11

I haven't told her she's unhinged, I've told her she sounds her she sounds unhinged.

Someone needs to tell her how she's coming across. Unhinged is a pretty accurate description IMHO.

Unless people have lived in abusive relationships and have had to live like she did and be left with no money/kids to look after then really they have no idea how this would impact their mentality or ability to think straight.

And this is bollocks PeaPod. Of all the people I have known who have escaped abusive relationships, NONE of them wanted to go arsing about like Nancy fucking Drew, getting stragers to photograph women at airports etc.

I was so bloody grateful to have escaped with my DC, with injuries no more severe than I had, there is NO WAY, I would have started looking for crimes to commit, trawling for accomplices in jocular style etc etc online. Don't patronise me about the psychology of DV Pea

She is proposing to do god knows what stalkery offences to another woman. Not defensible.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/10/2014 07:29

This OW is now in the unenviable position of being your ex's unfortunate DP. If you can see it like this then you will be able to redirect your energy to getting on with your life. And, if you're still drawn to allure of revenge, remember - the best revenge is success.

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 07:30

Arsenic i wasnt patronising you. I speak as a child that visited my mother in hospital more time that I care to remember. A child whose mother ran away and we lived in hiding for years. I would expect someone that had survived a DV relationship to be more empathetic.

Anyway this thread isn't about this. My point is there are more productive ways of making a point, particularly when a woman is clearly so distressed.

Timetoask · 12/10/2014 07:30

The OP has had a really hard time with an abusive ex, she is upset and angry at finding that he is living the good life while she is inaflat with her kids. She had to leave the house with the shirt she had on and some albums!!!!

Do you really think it's fair to tell her she sounds unhinged? Please put yourself in her shoes and have some compassion. Give her advice by all means but don't insult her.

Op, try to get legal advice, don't do anything that might undermine your position.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 07:36

But she doesn't sound distressed. She sounds lost in a haze of jolly plan making.

She needs to snap out of it.

ItsNotEasyBeingGreen · 12/10/2014 07:39

You don't need the photo OP.

Divorce him and move on. Seek advice on child maintenance. If you were married you are entitled to your share of the marital home. Focus on your and your children and your rights in divorce.

And do not damage this woman's car, there's absolutely no point in doing that and you may get arrested, which will be 'great' for you and your children. Ultimately this woman is dating a separated man and there is nothing illegal in that so don't be daft eh?

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 07:43

Oh stop it with the hysterical !!!!!! Time. Women have run away from violence empty handed before, we didn't all start committing crimes against the property of innocent female bystanders, thank goodness.

OP's focus needs to be on her DC and on proper legal advice.

She NEEDS straight talking if she's giggling about plans for a womans car and wanting photos taken by strangers in airports and what not instead of doing her job and securing her legal position.

You carry on soft-soaping the OP. I'm sure her DC will thank you when their mum is in a police cell.

bellarations · 12/10/2014 07:44

Why have you moved your dc out?
I assume they are his dc and the house belongs to you both, even if only in his name, it still a martial home.
Forget the photographic evidence....move back into your home!

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 07:46

Yes she needs straight talking but not insults. Why don't we all move on from this argument which will derail the thread and concentrate on trying to help the Op.

KnackeredMuchly · 12/10/2014 07:48

OP, you are not concentrating on the right things .

Focus on rebuilding your life, not how to set fire to your old one.

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2014 07:48

If you are atill married then that hose and everything in it is jointly yours.
Move back in and sell whatever you want.
Forget about the OW though and focus your energies on protecting yourself financially

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2014 07:49

House!!!!

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 07:52

If this man is abusive, the new gf is his next potantial victim.

Branding her an OW (any evidence at all?) and damaging her property hardly makes you any better than him.

Cherub1066 · 12/10/2014 08:07

I didn't see that the OP claimed she would be committing criminal damage?? Where does she say that? Nor does she suggest she means any malice to the OW. Another case if the drama llamas running off with the thread in the early hours. Anyone for a grip?

doziedoozie · 12/10/2014 08:15

Just go back to the house and maybe photograph the new toys, copy any bank statements or proof of his earnings and go to a solicitor.

You can't stop him blowing everything on new toys and the OW so why try.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 08:16

She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

What do you think she means then Cherub? Hmm

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 08:19

Another case if the drama llamas running off with the thread in the early hours. Anyone for a grip?

Best let the OP have the grip.

We'd all have to go a long long way to out llama her.

VSeth · 12/10/2014 08:21

Take photos of the bank statement and stop there.

Are you hoping to prove adultery for a quicker divorce? If so using information found after you have left won't work.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 08:22

In fact, I'm starting to question the whole story....

Someone wants some people photographed at an airport. That's it. It could be anyone.

We haven't even been given a silly reason why.

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 08:23

Arsenic. Honestly, move on!

ilovesooty · 12/10/2014 08:27

I agree with Arsenic and I've survived DV too.
Concentrate on the legal and financial stuff. You can't stop your ex forming a new relationship and having a picture will make no difference.

Cherub1066 · 12/10/2014 08:27

Yes Arsenic, untwist your undergarments.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 08:29

Hang on PeaPod you were the one asserting this was an abusive man...

OP only specifies financially abusive in fact....

SassySugarCane · 12/10/2014 08:29

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