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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 09:35

Of course speaking to a child calmly isn't chilling! I meant that I didn't rant 'he said what?!' at her - I only said 'Even if Mummy earnt the same as Daddy he would still need to give Mummy the same money because you live with me but we still share you'

I have my own business which doesn't pay me well but it was all I could do to work around school runs and husbands different shifts. I earn enough to get by and spend time with the kids. I had a good career before I settled down so I'm sure once the kids are older I'll be in a position to earn more and work longer hours.

As much as I know it would be great to just move back in, I would never see him sleeping on a sofa somewhere. We would eventually lose the house if he had to pay for 2 households and at least this way we still have an asset. I'm already looking into divorce, adding my name and securing a share when it eventually sells or he can buy me out. There isn't much equity in it and I get the impression from various legal advice that his debts on credit cards (and before you say it they are his for boys toys, car improvements etc which I had no knowledge of at the time) will be paid first from any sale.

Anyhow, this was only my second or third post on here and it's been enlightening. I won't look to stalk and get a pic. I'm a very curious person by nature and love a mystery - I should have been a researcher!

I was only looking for a place to vent and have a bit of fun so thanks for all the comments x

OP posts:
papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:37

For the record. I didn't separate in the "more usual way" because he was physically abusive.

And I didn't go after the house because I wasn't mentally in a place to fight him. I was glad enough to have got out and be safe.

So I get the walking away with nothing and starting again.

But I never ever wanted to put cress on his car bonnet, nor did my friends, nor gather up "suggestions" as to what I might do to the OW car. Nor plan a few "surprises" for him.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:38

As Morris said, why did you leave in secret and in just the clothes you stood up in?

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 09:38

The OP didn't mention physical abuse. I'm well aware why many women leave in secret. I just wondered why the OP did.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:44

I know she didn't Morris - I'm just slightly confused at the level of fun the OP is finding in a situation that I found anything but funny.

Idefix · 12/10/2014 09:44

You need to move back into that house! Friend went through a similar situation, s he initially chose to leave the family home. The day she left with her two dc the police were involved, they came to stay with me on Christmas Eve. They stayed for three days and she realised that the children needed to be in their home - she sought police advice and they told her she had every right to move back in to her home. But don't change the locks - it still belongs partly to him. If things get ugly we found the police were super speedy at attending and in my friends case really helpful. It also gets any incidents formally recorded, which maybe helpful later as often abusive behaviours is only your word against them.
You may not have been paying for the mortgage in the form of income but being a carer to yours and his children and a housekeeper, cook etc you have made it possible to have the lifestyle you shared with your stbx.
Please don't do anything dodgy, don't let him get the upper hand in this :(

oreosandmilkrule · 12/10/2014 09:45

Not really sure this situation should be described as 'fun'.

Go and get some actual legal advice, which you clearly haven't so far. The house should be sold. Your xh will be better able to pay a suitable amount if maintenance when he's not paying a mortgage be apparently cant afford. And I'd suggest that rather than dabbling in your own business, you go back to ft work in your previous career, thereby improving your own financial position. And giving you something to do because at present you clearly have too much time on your hands.

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 09:48

Think we're on the same page, paperclip.

Much of this reads oddly to me. I dunno, ranks of Hawaiian shirts, bank statements left out. The OP leaving without her possessions. Etc etc.

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 09:50

And leaving his door open. It's just odd.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:50

Agree Morris.

The OP seems to me to be revelling in this too much.

If he wasn't physically abusive, then why did it take months of planning and why did she leave with only the clothes on her back and the photo albums under her arm? Surely if you were going to leave with something under your arm in a situation like that it would be something useful like your clothes?

It seems to me the OP thrives on the drama of this.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 09:52

OP are you sure that you are entitled to anything from the sale of the house? Have you had that confirmed by a solicitor?

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 09:53

There was one occasion where he punched me in the arm but I don't really see that a massive worry and at the time decided if it happened again or it escalated that I would leave. On the whole it was because he is a scary, dominating man. I wanted the chance to remove my documents, sentimental items etc and he would make me feel so worthless and useless that if given the chance I knew he could break my resolve to leave.

I've only just recently learnt the term gaslight and it's what a counsellor through Women's Aid told me he'd been doing to me.

OP posts:
papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:56

Have you been to a solicitor, OP?

Why are you so concerned about this man who is so "scary and dominating" and wants to make you feel so "worthless" that you won't see him out of his house/your family home and sleeping on a sofa?

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 09:58

My son is 25. My daughter is 16. I was able to be given all the photo albums and copied them all onto a usb stick by scanning them in. Most of the photos in the last 13/14 years were all digital to start with, and it was really easy to save them off.

I can see taking passports and driving licence, but I don't get why you'd not just copy photos, especially since you had months to plan it all.

AlpacaYourThings · 12/10/2014 10:06

I was only looking for a place to vent and have a bit of fun so thanks for all the comments x

What an odd comment to make... Hmm

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:17

"I was only looking for a place to vent and have a bit of fun so thanks for all the comments"

As Alpaca said - what an odd comment. I don't understand how leaving your home in just the clothes you stand up in with a kiddies toy under your arm and your photo albums is funny at all Confused

OP, did you really walk out in just the clothes you stood up in? Did you pack a car with stuff? Or actually physically walk to your new home with the children? Were you beaten? Abused?

Because I did. I walked. In the clothes I stood up in. With nothing. Not even a photograph album under my arm. And I find your amusement and "fun" over something like that strange and actually rather offensive.

I didn't get my passport or the photos for months. I never ever got my granny's clock or DS's baby clothes. Or any of the other sentimental things I had in the house. But that was the price I paid to get away and keep my sanity.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 12/10/2014 10:23

Oh my God! So what if he's got bad credit and won't get a rental!?? You have kids! Move back in! Change the locks!

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 10:23
  1. Move back in whilst he is away and change the locks.
  2. Get a non molestation order against him if he has been abusive to stop him getting back in the house.

Sorted.

NewEraNewMindset · 12/10/2014 10:27

Another thread going the same way as usual. It's like watching a pack of hounds tear a fox apart.

OP, if you are a new poster try not to let this thread put you off posting again on the forum. There are a few subjects that will always result in flaming from (some) members on here. Adultery is one of them. The only right way to deal with being fucked over, according to the majority on here, is to immediately get over it. Strangely in the real world it is acceptable to be devastated, angry, vengeful, desperate. On here though you are given 15 seconds to feel all of the above and then you have to pull your socks up and get on with living well without giving your recent ex a second thought.

Obviously criminal activity is never a good idea, and whilst cress seeds etc sounds fun as does sewing fish heads into the hem of his curtains it's really not worth the fall out.

If you are actually quite glad you got away from him in the end due to financial and physical abuse, then this OW has done you a huge favour. He can get on with fucking her while you concentrate on making sure you and your children are ok.

So what is your plan re. divorce and child maintenance? Can you afford to see a solicitor? I really would be trying to focus all my anger on getting a good divorce settlement if I were you.

Post on legal or relationships and hopefully you will get some great advice on practicalities.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 12/10/2014 10:28

Separation isn't "fun" OP. Leaving your home with only your kids and the shirt on your back isn't "fun".

Asking strangers on the internet to stalk a woman isn't "fun" no matter how you dismiss it now as a silly idea it is.

If your exhusband is as scary and dominating as you say he is why are you more concerned about his accommodation than you are about your children's? Why wouldn't you want to see a man who's financially and physically abused you sleeping on someone's sofa?

Why would you be so scared as to leave with just your kids and she shirt on your back on the one hand but confident enough to return to the house, mooch around in it, investigate the contents and then return a second time despite that his girlfriend's car was outside indicating that she might be inside?

This is all very very peculiar.

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 10:31

NewEra, you've advised op exactly as the rest of us have. Don't see how you think you have moral high ground here.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 12/10/2014 10:31

FGS will people stop telling the OP to change the locks!

If things are all she says they are changing the locks would be illegal.

see here

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 10:32

And what Shirley said.

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:33

Exactly Shirley, plus, she doesn't own the house, therefore she can't change the locks to start with.

That's how she's able to have moved out and get housing benefit. Because even though she was married to this man, she was never put on the deeds of the house.

LittlePeaPod · 12/10/2014 10:34

Op if I were you I wouldn't bother coming back to the thread. Whatever you some, some on here will find a way of pulling it apart. Hide the thread and as NewErasaid don't let this put you off MN. You have enough going on in your life without stranger pulling your experiences to bits.

Good luck again.

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