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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for help to get pic of OW?

211 replies

Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 02:43

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get. I hope someone out there can get a pic of my STBX with the OW?!

I left my abusive husband around 10 weeks ago with the suspicion that, aside from being a selfish, financially abusive twat, he may also have been having an affair. It took months of planning and secrecy and I left with the shirt on my back, some kids toys and the photograph albums under my arm.

I left him in the beautiful 3 storey, 4 bedroom house while I rent somewhere smaller with the children (as he can't afford 2 houses and I receive housing benefit now). He maintains he is devastated by our split and is so destitute that he can't afford to pay full child maintenance or for a babysitter when he mysteriously often needs to hand the children back early when it's his day to have them. Yet only 5 weeks later a car has been parked outside of my house (overnight) for a few times a week ever since. He was due to go on a 'fishing trip' with a friend who is paying for him, this weekend. I was convinced by a friend to let myself back into the house before he left and while he was at work to see if I could find any bullshit as it might stop me going so easy on him.

I reluctantly did and I found row upon row of new shoes, Hawaiian shirts and shorts, linen trousers, a passport and a suitcase all set out neatly ready for his 'fishing' trip the following day. I also found a new £500 amplifier, a new £470 games console and a bank statement showing thousands in a tax rebate and a £150 jewellery shop transaction from a week before I left him one morning before he went to work. But no sign of OW being there.

I quietly let myself out and kept quiet until he went away. I returned yesterday and the gods were smiling down on me. In his rush to leave, the arsehole had left the front door not only unlocked, but ajar. I felt it was a sign! Plus I prevented him from being burgled! This time, I found a cheap, dirty pink jacket in the kitchen along with her clothes balled up behind the bedroom door and a lovely list of 'things to do' and flight details left by hubby. She had also blatantly left her car stuck outside my house which will now be there for the week. Lovely. I've already had a few suggestions about what I might do to it but keep 'em coming.

As it's miles away and I'll be stuck with the kids, I am praying that there is someone out there near Gatwick next Friday night who might do a spot of candid camera for me. I don't know why I want it or what good it will do but I feel like it's just something I need. I would love to greet him there but would never do that to the kids.

It's not something I want him to be aware of as I have a few surprises for him when he gets back. I've sent a simple text to let him know about the door and how I've checked to make sure nothing is missing and locked up for him. He doesn't have signal where he's 'fishing' so probably can't call the kids while he's away.

Please do get in touch if you'd like the flight details and his picture? I can't afford a private investigator and the might of mumsnet might be a better choice! Anyone?

OP posts:
Takebackcontrol · 12/10/2014 12:49

Shirley - I have no trouble putting my share into the home, only saying that it would be nice to have a small bit left if it sells at some point. I was given an allowance of around £200 a month for food for 4, petrol, my own childcare when I needed it, kids clubs, clothes etc. My friend once said I was the poorest person she knew and that gave me the wake up call. Friends often offered clothes they didn't need but I knew they felt sorry for me. Charity shops were too expensive for me etc.

OP posts:
papercliplover · 12/10/2014 12:55

Takebackcontrol - when did you start talking to a solicitor? What did they advise re leaving the home? What paper trail do you have re your inheritance going into the home - you say you transferred the money, you will have a bank record of that?

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 13:06

Op, does your MN friend know what you've been through? If she knows all about the abuse and fear but has advised you to come here on AIBU to get someone to go to Gatwick to take a picture of your Exs OW then I think she's a very poor choice of friend.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 13:08

Maybe OP's friend thought she needed some straight talking.

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2014 13:09

What Morris said ^^ with bells on.

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 13:10

This is perhaps a request too far for our little nest of vipers but what the hell - if you don't ask, you don't get

Your "friend" told you to say that??

Curiouser and curiouser Hmm

ArsenicFaceCream · 12/10/2014 13:11

Yes, what Morris said. This has a very junior common room ring to it.

BadLad · 12/10/2014 13:19

Imagine actually doing it. Volunteering and giving up an afternoon and either a return train ticket to Gatwick or several hours in the rip off car parks. Then whenever a similar-looking man walks through arrivals, you stare at him, then at the photo, then back at him, and then scramble to get a good position for a facial shot.

If you're stopped by security, you say that someone you've never met on an Internet forum asked you to do it as a favour.

Cherub1066 · 12/10/2014 13:25

Greengrow...words fail me

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 13:26

Given that her car was parked on the drive, she isn't exactly in hiding. I'm sure OP will see the ugly mug in question in due course. It's like, the lowest priority on the ops list right now. She left home without her possessions and has her kids in a rental flat.

Truly odd.

wooooosualsuspect · 12/10/2014 13:28

Very odd thread.

BadLad · 12/10/2014 13:47

Greengrow...words fail me

It's X*a - what do you expect? I'm surprised she didn't buying an island to move to.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 12/10/2014 13:49

Is this thread for real? Very odd Confused

cooki3monst3r · 12/10/2014 13:58

You need to get back in that house. Take photos of the OW's things in situ (for the purposes of a divorce, you are still married and it is still adultery), then bin all his and hers things up and get the locks changed and a divorce petition filed.

This is your house too, yes??

I'm not a lawyer, but as I understand it, you'll get the house in a divorce anyway if you're keeping the children.

wannabestressfree · 12/10/2014 14:02

You CANNOT change the locks......
I would though get the strange car towed on your property that you have no idea who it belongs to..... (I am a bitch though)

cooki3monst3r · 12/10/2014 14:04

wannabestressfree can't she? why not? (genuine question).

Anyway, I'm with wooooosualsuspect and Sallygoroundthemoon this is beyond suspect.

Fairylea · 12/10/2014 14:08

If both their names are on the house he is legally entitled to enter as is she. Therefore she cannot change the locks (or if she does she is obliged to give him a new key which defeats the purpose!) However either party is entitled to fit a very simple bolt lock on the inside of the door "for security purposes" that cannot be opened from the outside and would give the resident party notice of someone trying to enter. That is the advice I was given by a solicitor when I had an issue during my divorce.

skylark2 · 12/10/2014 14:11

Surely the OP can go into her house with her keys and take her things? All her clothes are still there, aren't they? Much of her kids' stuff? She says she left with almost nothing - well, isn't this the ideal opportunity for her to collect what she'd have liked to (and was entitled to) leave with?

I can see there being legal issues if she stripped it of expensive electronics bought after she left (or even before), but her own clothes, gifts people had given to her, and so on? Why shouldn't she go get them?

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 14:20

It is her house - they are married. She is allowed to move back in my law. She is also allowed to change lock son her house. Any of you could change the locks on your house today and that would not break the law. Now her husband could get a court order to get back in if she does not get her non molestation order for his abuse this week whilst he is away but there is nothing wrong with someone moving back into the marital home. Very different if you arenm't married.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 12/10/2014 14:24

"Shirley - I have no trouble putting my share into the home, only saying that it would be nice to have a small bit left if it sells at some point."

Of course. I hope you recover it.

" I was given an allowance of around £200 a month for food for 4, petrol, my own childcare when I needed it, kids clubs, clothes etc. "

Now I understand. That is financial abuse.

camelmonkey · 12/10/2014 15:06

Sorry OP but it's your ex's duty to pay maintenance to you and your kids, not the taxpayer. If he has enough money to pay to go on luxury holidays he should be paying for his kids and his ex wife too. You are being much too gentle on him.

andsmile · 12/10/2014 15:25

You need to emtionally detach yourself from him.

Chasing around for pics and other info indicates you are still interested - these will not benefit you.

Concentrate on legal side and creating your new life.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 15:29

She doesn't want to move back in Greengrow, for reasons unknown. OP has been asked several times what legal advice she had re abandoning the house and has declined to answer.

skylark OP said that her dh was going to hire a van and put all her stuff in it for her.

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 15:34

Yes, I know, but what I said about spouses having rights to go back into and live ni the matrimonial home are correct. Anyone reading this thread where the house is in the husband's name should go and register their right of occupation now at the Land Registry which means anyone proposing to buy it or if a mortgage is taken out on it is given notice of that.

Now I know there is very little equity in it then getting back in certainly not that important.

LadySybilLikesCake · 12/10/2014 15:41

OP can't be responsible for half of the debts that he built up whilst they were separated though Wink

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